Monday, March 27, 2017

VLOG 3 is Live!



New VLOG has been uploaded! See behind the scenes making of "TALES FROM THE GORE" comic, cat craziness and shark slippers! Enjoy!

--T

Saturday, March 25, 2017

To Sum It All Up...

Big blog today, friends. Bare with me.

For those that have followed me over the years and have read my blogs, this will come as no surprise. I thrive in being vulnerable and open. Its just the way I am. Enjoy the ride...

Lets sum it up: Since last year's summer, Ive been in hardcore struggle mode. I rode the high that was Starslam 2's success and enjoyed getting it out to everyone. I announced a third volume, Pleasant Life 2 and then two written novels. I was on a complete high of productivity.

Then I hit the wall. Hard.

Lots of things in my personal life happened. First was the disaster that was Motor City Con. I barely scraped by. I had a few things happen there that really dampened my spirits. Stuff I won't go into, but it certainly took its toll. My son was abused by a babysitter. A good friend died suddenly. I took this long journey of trying to find a comfortable place to process these things. And in that journey, I just couldn't keep it together. The promises I made publicly and to myself went broken. I gained 60 pounds. I sank into a deep deep depression. I barely stayed financially afloat. I cancelled trips I wanted to take. I cancelled appearances. I backed out of all my normal shows. I'd get a streak where I'd pencil a few pages and Id think, "Awesome! I'm coming back!" To then get a long streak of nothing. I'd still take on commissions, but they'd take me a while. Instead of laughing when I drank, I found plenty of reasons to cry. Alone and in front of friends.

I felt out of it. Out of touch and out of time.

Lily here illustrates exactly how I've been feeling. Just looking out the window, stuck in place.    

I felt like I had missed a train. That it was too late for my dreams. I've become a has been to never was. And I hated myself for allowing my life to drift into it. I became angry and hurtful to myself. And all the while those above things were going on, I got back to a place where I didn't care anymore. Nothing brought me joy. Especially even the one thing Ive always had: art. I hated having a pencil in my hand. I unfollowed every artist I knew because I didn't want to see their progress I wasn't having. And after all, bad things happen to good people. Like my son, and my friend dying. My anger grew and my distaste remained constant. And I knew I had to change and get better, but I didn't feel like I was worth that change. That no one gave a shit anymore. Or maybe, even I didn't.

--Inspirational quote from Kate Winslet. It applies to everything.

I wasn't suicidal, but more like I just didn't care if I woke up. My girlfriend caught me having my weekly crying fit. I couldn't worry her anymore. I had to do something. So I began therapy.

Here it is almost two months later. I'm better man. I mean it. I'm choosing better meals. I'm more mentally active. Ive come to terms with the events in my life that I cannot change or control. I've made peace with myself and what has happened. I've learned to celebrate what I do have, instead of mourn what I don't or what has been lost.

That doesn't mean my struggles are over. In fact, its just beginning. I gotta continue this weight loss journey and continuing to get back to where I belong. Some financial hits are looking me right in the face. I'm scared of them. I'm moments from it all crashing down. My instinct kicks in.... survive! Kill it all! Live! Beat this thing! Avoid the toxic situations and people! And I'm doing that. But I have to take on all that I face and beat them. Bury them.

And you know what? I will. And most importantly: ON MY OWN TERMS.

This week I picked up the pencil again. I felt ready to. I was gifted with five pages of Starslam 3 (pencils and inks), four pages on Pleasant Life 2, four pages on another unspoken thing and a bunch of writing. Plus merchandise ideas and game plan for future streamlining/revamping of what I currently do.

Pleasant Life 2 pencils continue.

A stack of finished Starslam 3 pages. Cannot share most of them, they are NSFW. There's A LOT of sex in this new one!

I'll tell you truly: I've never felt more awake and alive in the last year than like I do now.

I feel like I got a goal and a deadline. And I can do deadlines! I know what my plan is and what I have to do now. The thinking about it is over. The over-examining and explaining is over. I woke up on the other side of this bullshit and asked myself, "what am I?"

Answer: I'm an artist. I'm a writer. I also play music and paint. I create. And I know how to evolve my business model and make my dreams work. I know what I have to do.

So I pulled out of all shows for the remainder of the year so I can work on it all. I'm busy working on my audition to reapply for my dream job. And I know it is not too late. I hope you will bare with me as I get this resume re-edited and resubmitted to you, my bosses. Because I'm going to show you I know the job and that I will earn it.

Only thing that can stop me is me. And Ive now learned how to step out of my own way.

Thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

....lets get to work!

--T

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Spring Cleaning

Hey friends!

Life returns to normal after a vacation. Back to work hardcore at the day jobs. Barely home to do things and take care of things. So it goes. But hey, life seems to be getting better overall. My attitude has been changing and I'm looking more positive now. Thank the lords for therapy, eh? I've even transitioned this attitude back into some new writing and actual Starslam 3 page work! I penciled and inked five pages this week so far! I've made some notes of what to do with my podcast after episode #500 happens. I've got some more ideas for the Vlog channel, now that some things have kind of fell through.

Point is, I'm working on it. And honestly, it feels good to be getting back to a clean mindset. When I do, it seems that I am rewarded with productive thinking. The clouds clear in my mind and I feel the spark to just get going. Get shit done! Its honestly a great relief to me to know that when things calm down, my immediate desire is to create. For a while, I was questioning that whole process.

I did decide some things for later on this year. No EXXXOTICA table for me in June. The expense is too great and I'm not even sure I'd make my money back. However, next year I will have more stuff out and maybe then it will be worthwhile. So I am putting it off until next year. I will still go as a fan this year to scope it out and see if it is a good thing to try it or not. Will be an interesting time, regardless.

Also coming up, my best friend Shane and I are getting together. You remember, why this website is named IDIOTHEAD in the first place? Its our old band name! I do plan to do some jamming and there are a couple little things I'd like his help in recording for me. Stuff for the podcast and what not. But mostly it will be good to hang with him again. We haven't much in the past few years. Last time we fully jammed was on my 30th birthday nine years ago. Then once in 2015 for about 20 minutes. Last time we did a skit tape recording was in maybe 2012. We're long overdue for reconnecting. We still email each other and text every week. But time and life has got in the way. Hoping to do some shopping for games and things too while I'm up there.

On the TALES FROM THE GORE front, I placed the order for the books and they should be arriving soon. I gave Olya her art assignments and I gotta start mine soon as well. So bare with us!

This week I will be doing some spring cleaning. Not only in our lovely small abode here in East Lansing, but also continuing sweeping the brush in my mind. I'm getting to a good place and I like it. Soon in the house we'll have a birth of some kittens. Life is feeling good. Its feeling like a treat to wake up now instead of dreading it. First thought when I wake up now is: "Alright, what can I get done today?" And that is where I need my head to be.

My last thing I want to talk about is today, March 23rd. Its a special day, that being the one year anniversary of Kitty D and I becoming a couple. Hard to imagine my life a year ago. It was a time where I just got out of a relationship and I wasn't looking for another one. But in my effort to find new friends or researching local happenings, we ran into each other. We dove into deep waters very fast. She gladly accepted my shit and I accepted hers. (We all got shit on our plates, don't you know) And over the last year we have been through a lot more shit. Moving, life, death, other stuff I won't go into. But we're still here and we've survived. She makes me laugh everyday. She cares about me everyday. She encourages my creativity and viewpoints on the world. She never makes me feel ill at ease or uncomfortable. She never belittles me or gives me shit about things. She talks deep with me and helps me off the ledge when I'm having a bad day. She forgets her problems and never SIGHS at me waiting for her turn to talk or outshine my issues. And I'm there with the back rubs, foot rubs, advice, cuddles, hugs and loves. We collect things together. We dream big together and we weather every storm that comes our way. She's passionate about helping people and animals and has dreams and a personality all her own. She has my attention, my dreams for the future and my heart forever and ever. Until the long Trek is over.

Thank you to my love, Kitty D for dealing with me and the shit storm around my life. For being great with my kids and patient with this big kid. For finding me even when my eyes were closed. For working hard for our future and believing in us as a force of nature. For helping me be a better person and believing in me. Its been one year and I know even more great things are to come. I can't wait to spend the rest of my days by your side. One year... it seems like 10. I get to wake up tomorrow with you and that is all I'll ever need. I love you, deeply and madly.

Ok. Off to clean the house and get rid of shit for the rest of this week. Coming soon: New podcasts and Starslam 3 production pics. And a new Vlog Video somewhere in there.

Luvs to you guys too,

T

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Horrorhound Recap (tons of pics)

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HEYO! I'm back from a long (and very much welcome) vacation weekend to Horrorhound Cincinnati. I'm glad to report that it was a very relaxing and fun weekend. Surely what the doctor ordered. Here is a daily recap and tons of pics! Enjoy:

Wednesday, March, 15th, 2017 – Up at 0900 hours. I write a letter to dad and then start painting on my biker jacket. I put the first coat on and it comes out looking pretty good. I drop off D and head into work for a 3-11shift that seems to drag and drag and drag! After work, Zillins, JD and I hit the BW3 for early Vacation celebration drinks and a burger. D joins us just as we are finishing up. We drive home and pass out around 2am. 

A VERY pregnant Belle, relaxing.

A nice post-work pre-vacation drink with the boys.

Thursday, March, 16th, 2017 – I wake up around 10am, a first for me for a while!! Actually being able to sleep in for once? Can’t put a price on that! I get up and put on a second coat of paint on the biker jacket. I finish coloring a commission for a client and send it to him. He replies with his approval. I do a bunch of last minute things around the house and start packing for the weekend. D gets up and we go to stock up on the rest of our booze, food and last minute costume stuff. We get back around 5pm and finish packing up. Then around 8pm we head to Crunchies for some eats. We get right in and out, beating the crowd. We come home and I finish up the jacket, sewing on the patches and last minute paint touch ups. It came out great! I put on all the pins as well. I attempt to fall asleep at 11pm, but it doesn’t take. So I end up showering, then watching Jackass 2.5 and I finally pass out around 2am.

Lily is worried about our alcoholism.

My hand-painted biker jacket back. Painted by me! First time I've touched paints in years!

Smiley Crunchy's Burger!

Friday, March, 17th, 2017 – Alarm blazes at 0600 hours. We brew coffee, load up the Bat Blazer and head to Mcds for breakfast. Then we hit I-96 around 7:20. We stop off in Findley, OH to use the Wifi at a Mcds to order TOOL tickets around 10am. After several attempts to refresh and score tickets, we are finally successful! We score lawn tickets for TOOL in June. Word is they sold out immediately, so we were very lucky!

We arrive at Franklin, OH around 12:30 and stop off for gas and White Castle (necessary). Then we trek another 25 miles to our hotel in Cincinnati. We wait for Jynel and Coleen to get ahold of us and they do. We end up standing right at check-in for about an hour, due to their system being down. Meanwhile, I have to poo really bad. Wonderful start to the day! All I want to do is get into my room and unwind from the 5 hour drive! I answer some texts and emails from earlier while I’m waiting. Finally their system goes back online and we check in. Our room is #703. Funny enough, last year my room was #704! Right next door to where I was last year. Unfortunately, the rooms are prearranged this year and Joe, Jynel and Coleen are stuck in the east wing. (sigh)

We get our keys and scope out our room. I finally take a nice shit and relax a little bit in the room. We then head over to the con and find 12 Gauge’s set up. We say hi to Joe and during load in I run into Raphael. Later on I run into Ron B about 10 different times. Seems he was all over the show! D and I buy a few bootleg DVDs and magnets and call it a day. We hit the con cafeteria where I opt for the personal pizza, which sucks. D gets ribs, which are awesome! I declare I will eat them the following day. We head back  and take a nap in the room, passing out to a nice Star Trek marathon on BBC America. We’re back up around 10, and the gang all come up to our room to partake of some drinks. After loading up and doing some shots, we head downstairs. Outside I finally get the face time with Coleen about everything that has happened in the past 7 months. There were plenty of hugs and tears as we all group hugged several times. We smoked cigs and cigars and just kept chugging the beers and eating several gummi bears and worms soaked in vodka. It was a therapeutic night.

After our deep discussion, I headed to the bathroom. Which I quickly realized being on my feet now, I was severely drunk! I ran into several people and chatted with them and random others, which I am sure I made an ass of myself a few times. I run into D and announce that I have to go up to the room immediately. We do and I throw up violently into the toilet and the sink. It was extreme and scary for me! I then lay my head down and pass out instantly, with Star Trek playing in the background. I don’t remember what time that was.

Lovely White Castle!

When the party hat goes on, its time to get crazy!

My girls.

The gang!

We offer thee, vodka soaked gummies and cigars!

We're all okay!

Saturday, March, 18th, 2017 – I wake up around 0900 hours, severe hangover and dehydration going on. I chug a water that D lovingly left by my fan for me the night before. I then wandered downstairs, hungry as fuck and ate TWO plates full of hotel breakfast. Indeed, hungry as fuck. D joins me and we eat hearty. We go back up to the room and pass out for more napping in the comfy king size bed and new pillows.

We wake up around noonish and hit the hotel pool. Its empty so we got a whole hour to ourselves just to relax and swim around. The water is nice and warm and I definitely needed that relaxing dip! We get out and dry off back in the room. We relax a bit and then head over to the show. First we stop off at the food court, which is wall to wall busy as fuck! But we get our food and find an open space of real estate to eat at against the wall. We’re all then yelled at by security to not sit in the halls. But what else is an oversold crowd supposed to do when the café chairs are all full? No matter, I scarf down my ribs and potatoes and we head to the show itself. It is annoyingly busy and crowded. I end up grabbing a couple indie horror flicks, some horror comics and then hitting the Troma booth and getting a couple movies. I get Lloyd Kaufman to sign the one he directed and then get a photo with him and Toxie. Then I’m interviewed by Troma team about why I love Troma movies. I ham up the jokes and say that Lloyd and I had an affair years ago. The camera guy seemed to like my inprov.

We head back to the hotel and order some chili fries in the café which take FOREVER to arrive. Can’t say the hotel restaurant’s service is good at all. In fact, it sucked ass. I tracked the waitress down and paid our bill, then headed back to the room. We relaxed some more, watching some Riddick movie while checking out our buys. Coleen and Joe come up for their stuff at 7ish and D takes a mini nap. Then she gets up and we get ready with our costumes. She paints on my Eddie scar and I experiment with the blood needed on it. We get all dressed up, snap some pics and then head downstairs. We watch the Pickled Circus show and a bit of Hamilton’s Chump Change Variety show. We head back and refill our drinks and meet up with the gang farther down the hall. We chat with everyone and then head back outside to smoke with Coleen. After chatting out there for thirty minutes we retire back to our room to get into our PJs and order some pizza. We stay sober and just chat into the night about music, movies and memories. Then Coleen heads to bed. I hit the pillow around 1am and pass out immediately. 
 

Lloyd Kaufman and Toxie with some bum.

Not quite EDDIE, but close enough.

Costumes complete!

The gang is all here!

Lovely peach ringz!

Sunday, March, 19th, 2017 – My alarm goes off at 0900 hours. We hit the hotel breakfast and then come back to the room to pack. I read online that Bernie Wrightson had died. I email Walters to offer condolences on his friend. We load up the car and find a close parking spot to the show. I check us out and then we walk back over to the show for my tattoo appointment. I get there and she isn’t there. She ends up showing up 30 minutes after showtime and I walk up and introduce myself. She somehow confused our scheduled time we emailed each other about and so she cannot get to me until like 3-4pm. I say that we scheduled for early Sunday and we’re taking off after that. So we talk it out and I say its fine if we wait until next year. She feels bad but it happens, I understand. Plus now I got the peace of mind knowing that if my skin shrinks during my upcoming lifestyle change, that it will look okay. I tell her to keep my deposit and she offers to do my tat for free the following year. We shake hands and agree, no harm no foul.

Off the hook from the tattoo, we head to the 12 Gauge booth to say goodbye. Joe and Jynel aren’t there, so we just chat with Coleen and D shows off her new taxidermy Bat in a Cage. We donate some money to the cancer fund for Syd, Hamilton’s girlfriend and he graciously gives us some buttons. Perfect for my new vest! We take off shortly after that to head home. We stop off for White Castle again, our last fast food meal before the big change and then drive the rest of the way home.

We get home around 6pm and the kitties great us at the door. Belle still hasn’t given birth, so we are relieved. We unpack and D plays with the cats. I update the blog and upload photos. I watch some of my new movies (Dickshark … not good. And part of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers… so far, good!) and then pass out around 8:30. D wakes me back up around 11:30 and we watch Hush together. Then I update the online blog and end up passing back out around 2:30am. 

--T

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Choose Life/Might As Well

Hey friends.

Laaaaaaaate night blogging and from my phone. Forgive my spelling errors.
Big fingers, small keyboard. The kids have been at my place the past two weekends and when they are I dont get Sunday nights off to myself anymore. Those were my blogging, podcasting, drawing/production nights. So now Im down to just two a month, and two Saturdays off to spend time with D or friends. Im taking advantage where I can. Only a few short days until Im out of town on a much needed vacation, to help sell my new book at Horrorhound Cincinnati. If you will be there this weekend, find me and we'll hang out. I'll actually be in a costume on Saturday! I'll let the pics do the talking after the show. But suffice to say, I'll certainly be "really loving that rock and roll." (Hint hint)

Therapy so far has been very good for me. It has helped me clear the air on a couple major issues already. I also have been coming to terms with actually NEEDING therapy in the first place. Truth is, I realized that I was at a place where I didnt care about life. Not suicidal, but just not appreciating each day and didnt care if I woke up or not. I couldnt find happiness in anything anymore. And any negative thing that would happen, Id spiral down in my mind and be so unstable. I needed to recalibrate. In some things I needed unbiased outside validation. I needed different perspective. Instead of focusing on anger and dwelling on the things I want but haven't or cannot achieve. But mostly, learning to get out of my own way and knowing that I am worth the effort to change.

Ive realized all that now and it will be an ongoing waking up. Coming back to life. Wont all happen overnight and I know I will slip. But ive been feeling better. I havent had a crying fit in a couple weeks now. Hell, I even snuck in some pencils on Starslam 3 this weekend, and a commission! Hard to do that around the kids, but I got some work in. That is saying something. And you know what? I actually enjoyed doing the artwork. Something I havent felt in a while. Maybe I might finish this race against myself after all!

My dad came up this past weekend. He spent the majority of time up noth with my brothers and then one night at my place. Didnt see the grandkids too long. Its been two years but he's still very much in pain over the loss of his wife, Gloria. He's mourning the loss of two women he loved and lost them both to cancer. Now he finds himself at 73, unable to start over again, stuck in a huge house alone and just lonely. Ive offered him to move up north to Michigan with us, but he drags his feet about it.
I know he wants to be near where they are. Sometimes it feels like he's just waiting around to die. It sucks and I dont know how to help him.

We can only picture what we would do in other people's situations, but we never can guarantee how they will react on thier own. Best we can do is just be there. Like this weekend, fresh on my mind always is my friend Caleb. One year ago, we were at Horrorhound together. As we stood outside smoking, something told me to grab him and do a dreaded "selfie." Even as I did it, I felt like an idiot. But something told me that I needed to take a photo of the moment. I ended up taking two pics of us that night. Once while we smoked and ate vodka soaked gummy worms. The other while we watched Argyle Goolsby on stage in the party area and sipped mixed drinks, drunk as fuck. Im damn glad I took those photos. Cause less than five months later, he was gone.

Now we're going to go and hang out, party again, sell again. And cope with it all. Just BEING THERE for each other. His friends, his wife, etc. Im getting my first tattoo there. A tribute piece to his memory. Im nervous about it but Ive already paid for it and Im committed. Im going under the needle whether I can deal with it or not. Its happening. It cant hurt worse than how it felt the day I found out that he was gone.

Something I learned in therapy is that there is so much we don't have control over. And it sucks, but we must accept that fact. We have no control. We cannot guarantee the actions or reactions of another. We cannot predict or change what can happen. We can help stack the deck in our favor, but what will happen, will happen.

So it goes. So it goes.

But, we can get to a better place with it. We can turn it around and celebrate the good things we got out of the bad things. We MUST find the good in it. For example, my mother died 17 years ago. I was so young. So was she. Her and my dad were robbed of thier twilight years together. You take for granted that she would get to grow old and be there. But she wasn't. But.... out of that came my first major comic work: Pleasant Life. That book turned into several other books. Which Enabled me to travel and sell them all over the world. Sold a couple more to complete strangers in the mail this past month! The work lives on. People still find me and the work! I've met so many great people and did so many things because of that book. One of which you are reading now. Without that book, I wouldnt have a website, or a blog. My mom's death resulted in this.  So you have to look at the positive side of things. Instead of "it sucks they are gone," you gotta think, "man, its great she was here! She gave me just enough to get through." And im grateful she was in my life. Im grateful for Gloria. For my Uncle Richard. For Caleb... so many others.

So we celebrate for them.. Celebrate life. Choose life. Choose happiness (okay, this is sounding like the speech from Trainspotting...)

This week I got about a hundred things to get done. Im also sewing and painting up my new biker jean jacket. I got the nerdiest patterns, patches and buttons for it. I'll likely look like an idiot. But I dont care. Cause im ready to dance like I dont give a fuck. Cause all our days are numbered. Might as well. Gonna take so many pictures and video. Going to travel and live life. Going to create art, draw and write so much more. Im going to enjoy every second I can with my friends and family. Im going to help them and myself through the rough times. We're going to dig down and find the good times to remember. And we're going to take everyone who didn't make it with us when we do.

Im going to change the things that need to be changed. Im going to take the best shot I can.

Might as well, am I right?

--T


Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Toxicity


Hey friends!

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who messaged me over last week's blog. There are a lot of worried folks out there. And you can count me as one of them. When you get a particularly scary diagnosis, especially one where you cannot even trust your own mind, its a tough thing to chew and swallow down. But rest assured I'm fine.

Truth is, EVERYONE has something they are working through. Some choose to sit and live in their suffering, others choose to do something about it. Me going to a therapist to talk about my problems is me being fully awake, aware and doing something about it. Its a good thing. I'm not about to sit myself in the cuckoo's nest quite yet.

I think everyone in today's age has a bit of craziness in their lives because of how toxic everything is. Places, things, people, etc. Everyone deals with someone or someplace that just seems to not bring out the best in them. I know several people that are in horrible relationships and just cannot get out. I know people that are stuck in situations and feel like they just can't escape. All of this is toxic to you and we all know it. So we're struggling to get out.

You can't win against these places or people. You just have to deal with it and keep what you can at arm's length.  But as you roll through life, the situations become easier to spot. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. That is simple projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. Someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more focused, like ‘Why are you angry at me?' You're always dodging the bullets these people throw, but in the end it’s not about you. You must be clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself from anything in life.

Never argue with such a person, because they would rather lie and project it back upon you. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and rework it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own bullshit. People don’t have to apologize to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward, because trust me... you won't get one that will ever satisfy you. Just move forward and do it without them. You can't surrender your truth and don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for their internal fights. You got your own shit to scramble. Quit hitting your head on the wall.

Toxic folks also say things like: ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win and most importantly, you don’t need to win. Because who cares when it comes to fighting these people?

That's the thing about it: you don't need anyone else for approval or comfort.  Sure its great to have a shoulder to cry on once in a while, but then it becomes a crutch. You become dependent, when you should be independent. You should be soaring in the skies, instead of over explaining your way out of things, places and people who ultimately do not serve your greater good.

Much of this is perceived from the past and the future. Simple saying: "When the past calls you, don't pick up the phone. It has nothing new to say anyway." And the future, it can change in an instant. Its always evolving. You never know how its going to end up. Some you feel stuck with now, like a boss or someone in your friend circle, or a place you have to go to work and hate working there, they won't be there forever. You can kick them out of your life. Because YOU are in control. And if you continue my new BE HERE NOW philosophy, you can continue to stay on the path you alone are carving. One step at a time. Climb the stairs.

People, places and even things can be toxic to you. Old habits. Chemical reactions in food and drinks or things you breathe in. There are toxic things thrown your way everyday. They are like literal bombs tossed at you. And as you roll through, they become easier to spot. You must strengthen your outer armor and keep these bombers at bay. Don't feed them. Don't dwell in them. Just move forward to your prize. Your goal. One step at a time.


For me, I got some toxic things in my life. And you know what fuels me? The thought that one day, I'm going to bury them! That if I keep going like I'm going, doing the right things for myself, dwelling in the happiness that I earn and the peace of mind I wish to cultivate, I'm going to bury them. Bury the situation. Bury the feeling. Bury the anger that it brought to my life. Because the flame will burn out and be cold and it cannot hurt to touch it.

When bad things happen, we get hurt. But we can overcome it. We can bury it. And when the toxic things that come to try to hurt us again, don't answer the door. Don't go back there in your mind. Don't relive it. Don't try to finish it off or defeat it. Just BURY IT. Use that drive as your fuel to guide you. Like if you want to lose weight, get determinted you want to bury it! If you want a new job? Get determined that you will bury that place! Got someone in your life that you have to deal with but cannot stand for whatever reason? Same thing.

You're doing this for you. Its your life. Your sanity. Your journey. Your story.

Remove the toxins from your life. Every day. One step at a time. BE HERE NOW.

--T

Thursday, March 02, 2017

BE HERE NOW

Its been a bit since I posted a blog. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know where this one is going to go. But I'm reporting for duty with another post, as I don't let a week go by without a new one for you. My brain and heart are screaming out so much, but the words are not forming. Too much to say and too much going on, with no filter in-between.

To start with the positives: I got my small order of TALES FROM THE GORE back from the printer. It will still be another week and a half before I get the Kickstarter funds deposited into my account for me to place the big order and get mailing supplies. I've contacted the donors to get info on what they want drawn on their commissions. I will be getting with Olya this weekend to give her the assignments and getting things rolling on her end. Again, I cannot thank those who supported the project enough.

I'm looking forward to my vacation to Horrorhound this month. It is sorely needed. I'm working hard and saving funds for the trip. We're all going for fun times and therapy.

Speaking of therapy, mine continues. I learned some facts during my session this week that I guess I am farther along the spectrum on some things than I thought. Like how bad I am when I get down. Its bad, folks. And the stats are scary. I was floored when I heard them. I honestly don't know what to think. I knew I was bad but I didn't think I was THAT bad. I had a couple good cries yesterday as I tried to process what it meant. Basically I'm a walking time bomb. For as much as I think I have it together, I don't. I tried to think "well maybe he fudged the numbers to keep me as a client." But I don't think so. Other therapists I know say "You are not the test." That it simply talks about the things in that stat spectrum.

I'm trying to think that way but honestly I'm scared of it.

And Myself. I'm scared of myself.

Any simple thing makes me spiral anymore. I'm not productive like I used to be. I've gained 75 pounds over the course of a year. Everyone is fighting and not convincing anyone for change. Nothing seems positive and all around is pain. Everything sounds like a fucking Cure song. And inside I sound like a Pantera album. I just want to run, scream and cry and smile all at once. There is a war inside my head 24/7. Its bad, folks.

BUT- I've tried to adopt a new philosphy this past week: "BE HERE NOW." Its the title of an Oasis album, so its easy for me to remember. BE HERE NOW. So whenever my mind drifts to stupid shit I did in kindergarten, all the way to the dumb thing I forgot to do yesterday and my mind starts to punch itself, I say BE HERE NOW. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the tornado takes off too fast and I spiral and the tears come. But its a place to start. This last weekend I had my boys and I had a great visit with them. I played with James constantly instead of needing a break and some quiet to calm my mind. (which is when he gets into mischief) We laid together and watched cartoons. I was just THERE. NOW.

When my mind drifts to the anger, I say it: BE HERE NOW.  I'm working it into my life, slowly. I also making some time for things to bring happiness. Things to look forward to. I'm going to two concerts this year. Roger Waters and the Neal Morse Band. I made plans to visit my best friend, whom I haven't hung out with like we used to in years. Its overdue. I'm making plans to see my dad down south. Minor plans to just go and do things that help me get away and focus. My own private therapy.

There are certain triggers and things that I will need to get through and wrestle down. It will be a lifelong journey. But I promise you guys that despite all this, the work will continue. I will finish Starslam 3 and Pleasant Life 2. I will post podcasts, blogs and vlogs. I will finish my novels and get them out into the world. I'm not romantic about the "tortured artist" personae. But I guess that is what I am, for now. Maybe forever. But I don't want my story to end in such a way where I am pitied, in that I couldn't silence my demons. I cannot let these things take me over. I will stand. I will prevail. Every day. Every second. I am HERE, NOW...

...And you can't get rid of me.

--T