Merry Christmahannuhquanzika-Festivus to you all.
Today is Christmas Eve. Xmas is such a difficult time for me. See, from the time I was 9 years old to around 15 or so, my family raised me as a Jehovah’s Witness. Which meant no holidays, no birthdays, etc.
I remember the LAST CHRISTMAS I spent before joining that religion that my parents were getting into. I got this awesome LEGO space Station set and the Ghostbusters house. Also a globe, which I maintain is one of the main reasons I got into geography in high school. I got a bunch of other little stuff. But the fun part of it all was the family, the magic of Christmas, as it seems. It never was about Jesus for us. Just family.
After joining that kooky religion, it wasn’t about family anymore. My brothers would come by sometimes but never for Xmas. I’d have to smile and nod when people on the street would say “merry Christmas” to me, thinking I was a young prick for not giving them a “merry Christmas” back in return. I remember my friends calling me the day after Xmas telling me about all that they got. And then they say, “Wow! I got all this cool stuff! What did you get? Oh yeah… you’re in that stupid religion.”
At the time, I didn’t really see it as painful. I thought that I was doing God’s will and all that jazz. I thought I was building up a special place for myself in Heaven or the new world, if you like. By the time I was 15 though, I started to realize that perhaps orgainized religion wasn’t for me. In particular, the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They shunned my father after my mom’s death. They weren’t there to comfort him or me when we needed it the most. After all the love and devotion and not to mention money my mother gave them over the years, that’s how they treat those she left behind?
Not to mention the fact that I was getting older, starting to see truth for what it is. Seeing history and physical PROOF of evolution and science. It all made more sense. Not that I don’t believe in a GOD per se, but that perhaps it wasn’t quite organized the way I was brought up to think. So, I never went back.
That’s what makes this time difficult for me.
Another thing is the damage its caused in my family. My brothers and I were never close. Partially to do with that when it came to Xmas time, we couldn’t celebrate it together. We never had the chance to create those memories or bonds that so many have over the holidays. Instead, they built families and lives of their own. I never see them, nor really can see them cause of time and distance and just different outlooks on life.
That’s what makes this time difficult for me.
On Dec. 22nd, 2000, my mother died of Liver Cancer. I was so close to my mother. She made me who I am today. She was an art lover, she read books, she loved interesting films. She was a dreamer. Like me. She was the glue that held all of us together. But then one day, just like a flash, she was gone. Most of those I care about today never got to meet her. Never got to know her undying wisdom and good, good, heart. I can tell the stories and relate things that she might have thought, but it simply aint the same.
That’s what makes this time difficult for me.
After my mom’s death, my dad went on a downward spiral. Overnight he lost his beloved religion (that really, should have been there to help him anyway in my opinion), all his friends, his job and almost all of his sons. We weren’t on the best of terms after mom’s death. My father remarried shortly after and it upset us all. Not because of WHO he married, but just cause WE weren’t ready to see that happen. But luckily, all of us have patched things up and grown to love each other in a whole new way that never would be had it not been for her passing. But still, time and money pressures led him to have to move nine hours south to Southern Illinois. Where I never see him at all.
That’s what makes this time difficult for me.
My friends are all busy doing things with their families, reliving those bonds that they had with their family. Those bonds, I never got to have nor cultivate. While I sit at home on Christmas eve, moving my bedroom furniture around out of boredom. Radio sucks cause all they play is crappy covers of Xmas songs I’ve heard a million times since Nov. 27th. TV sucks, cause its full of shows I’ve never seen, but are too cheesy to enjoy now that I’m too old and cynical about such things.
Every Christmas Day, I have a job where I have to work ON CHRISTMAS!!!! Sure, I get paid time and a half or double time, but fuck! Who goes to the porn shop on Christmas!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Its bloody depressing.
Its all these things combined that make this time difficult for me. But that doesn’t mean my depressive nature should bring your holiday down. Happy-Merry Holidays everyone.
Spend time with your loved ones. Cause it sucks not ever being able to.
T
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