First of all, last night's BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: hugely action packed. Several times, I went "HELL YEAH!" Very intense and it made me smile. Some huge shit is going down. Obviously these last episodes are gonna be one frak of a ride! I'm holding my poop in for next friday. Episodes like this one further the notion that BSG is by far the best TV show on right now.
Speaking of Battlestar... they've been auctioning off props and things from the show for the past couple weeks. They had a HUGE auction selling the big stuff: CIC set pieces, name costumes, ships, models and more. Minor auctions are happening on ebay. After batting it about, I went ahead and bought that BSG auction book you can get at www.battlestarprops.com. I wasn't gonna but in the end, I would like a good look at all the props. I mean, if they made one of STAR TREK, I would for sure own it (in some cases, I do!). So I ordered it and its on its way. I am keeping my eye on the auction so that I can score a BSG prop too. That would be nice!
I downloaded some new Dr. Who episodes. I gotta get some word ballooning done to catch up before I'll allow myself to watch them. A treat and a discipline for myself. Superbowl tomorrow. I adjusted my work schedule to allow me to watch it. But unfortunately, one of my co-worker's father has passed away suddenly so I may have to readjust and work the shift. I dunno. I guess we'll have to see on it.
But the REAL reason for this blog...
Some of you know how frustrated I am by the concept of a "day job." I hate that I cannot (yet) survive on my artwork alone to pay the bills. Seems I went to college for it, but it still hasn't happened. In that instance, I can be considered a "failure." However, in this struggling economy, I cannot think of too many artists who are not struggling with this same thing. They wish they could not work jobs so they can dedicate their lives to what they really love. I've been privileged to be able to juggle getting artwork done early and on a consistant basis, and as well as do a job. But that is thanks to a very very very very very very very very very very understanding wife. Without her support of me and what I do/want to do, I would never have got this far. So to not see it through to the end not only lets my peers and longtime followers down, it lets her down. So if I were to never succeed, I'd be hurting her the most I would think.
Thank God for understanding women. Eh?
So that said, I cannot state highly enough how much I hate myself for not being further along. that I have to work a job, when I should be able to survive on my artwork funds alone. I know my mistakes along the way. Shoddy artwork in the past, printing mistakes, not hitting many conventions to promote myself. All of which, I have been fixing the past two years. This year especially. I'm going to SAN DIEGO for fuck's sake!!!
I guess I just feel guilty. I dunno why though. I mean, I've come further than alot of people I know. FIFTEEN YEARS! over 35 books worth of material I've released. Friends and actual fans of my work. Its all amazing to me. But still, I have this push.. this drive to continue and do more. But I do feel like alot is holding me back. Namely, the day job.
Up till now, I've been fine with the concept of working at an adult book store. Sometimes its great. I get great pay, my co-workers are fun, I have freedom to swear (in fact, in some cases its encouraged!) and it doesn't feel like slimy corporate bullshit breathing down my neck most of the time. Sure there are some folks I don't take too kindly to, but I don't really let that bother me too much. There are times, when a person or couple come in looking for something missing in their lives and want to find things to spice up thier lives. All of that is according to varying tastes and appeal to the individual. Its subjective. All I can do is show what we have, what it does and they have to make the final decision. And sometimes when a couple comes back saying that this or that that they purchased last time helped fix their relationship in some small way, it really makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Its a hard thing to describe, because society makes us LAUGH at these things.
However, this type of store attracts that OTHER clinetelle... the ones who lets say, need special help. I could go on and on about the fucked up things people ask, said, do and more... but I'll spare you the detials. Just think of the type of things people could associate with an adult store and you got the ballpark.
I guess what finally set me off now was the other night. A couple came in and I was ringing them up. They asked me: "So like... what do you tell people when they ask where you like.. work?"
I say, "Um, well. I'm an artist, so I really just tell them that."
"yeah, but.. you work here." I stare at them blankly.
"True, but this isn't my real job." They stare at me with that "well, what are you doing working here" look.
"I would never tell anyone I work here." said in the most snottiest, sickening voice possible. As if they were handed a plate of turds and made to eat it. As though the concept of me working there makes me a perberbial plate of turds.
They left and I ranted inside for a bit. "Who the fuck are they to judge me? I don't go down to their job and take their dad's cock out of THEIR ass do i? If I am so bad, what are they doing shopping there?" I let it all loose inside and sometimes to myself. To my wife when I got home. To my co-workers who were just as disgusted and all told me essentially to "let it go." That everything is fine, they are just assholes and everything is alright.
Well. No... its not alright.
I have a $50,000 education. A Degree, saying I read some books, and am smarter than this. I am meant for something else other than this. I am sick of the connotation of working at a porn store. I call up friends and they say "how's the porn store?" They are naturally curious. Want to hear all about it. Cause it is interesting and all.. to visit... but not LIVE there. Me, I'd rather swallow poison than talk about it. Its just a job and I don't take it home. But there are those who think i DO! Everyday someone says "wow.. you must be some sort of pervert or sexual deviant to work in a place like this." Am I? Well, I like boobs and drawing girls as much as the next man. But I think I am an average guy. I don't have a massive porn collection. I don't buy discs every other day like some that come into my store do. In fact, I think I haven't bought a porn since I've worked there. People come up to my wife and ask her where I work. She tells them that I am an artist, but I work a day job at the porn shop. The first thing they say? "Wow... how do you trust him working there?" As if.. you know.. since I work there, I am indeed a deviant and would cheat on my wife or something because I am surrounded by fake penises and vaginas all day. Worse yet, they think MY WIFE is a deviant that allows her husband to work in such a place so she has access to kinky shit they assume they know about. How fair is that to her?
What would my kids think about daddy working at a sex store? Would they think the same thing of me? Would I inspire them to be more than I am?
Its all of these things combined and more that swirl in my head and really dig at me. Like dude... you don't belong there. You don't. You hate it, you hate the things its makes people think about you. You hate the certain odd situations and people you have to deal with, the jokes you have to endure and its gotta end.
Overall, I don't consider the move down here a mistake. Had I stayed at the newspaper, I would have been let go by now. I've been in contact with old friends there and the paper just downsized and 11 jobs were cut there... including friends of mine. I certainly might have been on that list of people to go. So, leaving was the right decision. But now I feel stuck. I can try to go out and get something different (and I've tried, believe me...), but with no one hiring right now and the economy the way it is... its hard to come by. Everyone is looking for jobs. Of course with my degree, I got a leg up on them. But as some of you know, a degree sometimes is about as worthless as a match in the Mariana Trench.
My wife and I's ultimate plan was for me to step down to 1-2 days a week after her promotion. If and when it happens (possibly feb/march), I can. But for now, we got bills and a mouth to feed at home. Plus, with all the conventions and printing I have to do, that money has to come from somewhere. So here I am. Stuck in a mudpit where people think I am some dirty sexual deviant and I cannot ever convince them otherwise. Cause its a societial thing.
Know this: I do feel like shit about it. I wish I could do something else. But for now, I am stuck. I do long for the days (hopefully coming soon) where I can step away and be 100% an artist. But for now, I am forced to wear many hats. I do feel the drive to get out and I will, believe me. When the door opens, I will take it. When the road is clear, I will walk it. and all this will come to pass. But for now, I will just eat this big old shit sandwich I got before me. But I damn sure won't be smiling when I do it.
BTW, a BIG thank you to all who have been pre-ordering my sketchbook! I've more than covered my costs of printing it and that goes a LONG damn way to helping me with the above problem. I will give you a heads up that in March, I will be starting a pre-oder for PLEASANT LIFE and OUTCAST tradebooks. So save yer pennies for those.
Thanks for listening folks. From one deviant to another.. I remain yours,
T
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