A serene morning. I downloaded THIS SONG, a tribute to Jackass' Ryan Dunn. A completely touching song written for him. Written by Johnny Knoxville's cousin, Roger Alan Wade. I keep listening to it over and over. Just a great fucking tune.
Got me thinking about friends and those who care from afar, whether you know it or not. Its incredible how many people you impact, even though you might not know. For example, last night there was a comic book artist who put a very cryptic, alarming message on their FB page indicating that perhaps they were gonna commit great harm to themselves. The outpour of love, thoughts and care that everyone in the industry (from fans, to those who know him or kinda know him) was swift and he is getting help right now. People who care about you come to the plate and keep you off the ledge. Literally sometimes. Its heartwarming that it is that way. When something happens to one of our artistic brothers or sisters, we ALL feel it. Even if we don't know the person. Its indescribable a feeling.
I've talked many times about my doubts, fears and anxiety over my life, my choice of a life and my work. I've made very public my struggles and my vanity over my sanity. And you all have been there for me, tossing notes, emails, comments and thoughts my way. And believe me when I do say those things, I am not fishing for them. You provide them anyway. I thank you for that. I can remember every time I was ready to quit or was down and someone was there to pick me up again. and I am instantly shamed that I even thought about getting near the ledge.
Believe me, its tough. I keep little quotes on post it notes around my desk, in my wallet. Its very easy to slip back into the depression. Its just how creative people are sometimes. In a way, I feel that I HAVE to put myself through this stuff sometimes, so that I get some of my best writing out. Plus the rush of getting out of the funk and kicking ass is addicting as well. Seems every artist I know and look up to goes through this. I've learned that it is normal. I feel like I got a good handle on it though. I haven't needed any therapy or drugs or anything to help me cope. Although it might not be a bad idea to try those things. I've certainly considered it.
My recent bout has lasted the better part of a year. I've suffered in silence mostly. Cause what do I got to be blue about? 2011 was my most profitable and busy year ever! I've finally started to achieve the steady work flow that I've always wanted. I'm starting to get industry notable credits and leads. My last graphic novel was the best selling thing I have ever done and the feedback was tremendous. So why am I blue? Thats a good fucking question folks. And thats how it works in my brain. Not that I am not grateful or that I feel I haven't earned it. I've worked hard for almost 20 years on this stuff. But I still feel I got much more to do. In addition to doing my best work and achieving my goals, I have to overcome my long term problems that have been creating these funks that I put myself through. So for the last few weeks I have been considering my thoughts and creating a plan. A do or die sort of plan. I hate to deal in absolutes but perhaps it is time for that. I am not getting any younger and the NOW is slipping away from me. So I decided to self impose a set of FIVE GOALS to achieve next year. If I do not? I might as well retire from art and live a life that I don't want. Yeah, do or die time. So I wrote the following goals in mind:
1-I will lose at least 60 pounds.
2-I will get out of debt.
3-I will go to more conventions, get more art gigs and make good money.
4-I will finish all projects I have on my plate currently.
5-I will get and stay on a steady schedule of exercise and artwork creation.
If I fail, I will quit. I'll close the doors on Idiothead.com and retire and package your fry boxes till my dying days. And I feel this "all or nothing" vow is right to make at this time. I don't want to tread water. I don't want to string people or my family or myself along anymore. I just want to get out there and do it. Time and time again I am shown that this is my path and I have kept resisting it for one reason or another. I haven't done right by my mother's memory, nor the fans that have followed me throughout the years. Not that I've sluffed it all off in favor of wasting my time on other things. I've accomplished a lot in my short time doing this. But I want more. I want more. I want more. I want it soooo bad. I gotta prove it to myself and then to you.
So thats what I have been struggling with every day now. Somewhere in the last ten years I've lost my self worth and I hate myself at times. I put on a front like everything is okay and I'm still the funny guy everyone knows. But it really is a defense to hide what I am really feeling. So for the last few months I have been going through mental rehab. Or as Peter Gabriel put it...
I've discovered a lot I didn't know about myself. I'm working hard to correct mistakes. I will never achieve perfection, but I can certainly strive to overcome those things that I am tired of running away from. So there it is. I was gonna keep this private but I am inspired to let you all in and let you watch. It only feels right to be honest with you. 2012 is the Make or Break year for me. Do it or hang it up. To be honest, I'm more concerned with the personal goals than the professional ones. To get out of debt and lose weight would be the big ones. The gruesome twosome that has long been the demon in the dark for me. Time to fight it all. I said it yesterday and I meant it: Soul searching for the last few is over. 2012. Its on. I means it. Make or break. 365 days. 12 months. Not a day wasted. Watch and see.
(and BTW, I started on this last night)
T
PS a hearty 40th Birthday to my brother Dean Stahl, a man who keeps me off the ledge so much and he has no idea. Thanks for your friendship. It means the world.
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