This will be a meandering, longish type of blog. I make no apologies for that.
Its 5am on Christmas Eve. I'm picking up my kids in three hours to spend time with them for the holiday. We'll open all our presents together and I get to see them play with them. I'm cooking a big ham, potatoes, dumplings (Gloria's dumplings, RIP) and Asparagus. Then going out of town to spend time with my GF's family. Then back in time to get my kids again on Sunday, then a glorious paid day off to myself on Monday. I'm looking forward to it all.
Christmas 2016 has been an interesting one so far. Its the first year where I was faced with the concept of coming up with NEW traditions. Something to help me with the transitions from what I have been doing the last few years, til it all went tits up on me. So I tried new things. Like going to the Capital building Christmas Tree lighting, a large family Christmas... the likes of which I have never been a part of. A co-worker I have become good friends with gave me a horror DVD, which I will watch and cherish. I sheepishly forgot to bring his present to work the next day. I'll have to bring it next week. My work treated me to a large dinner with my new friends and it was actually yummy. I have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day paid off. Thats a goddamn first for me! You know, to actually be cared about from a place I work. Its a good feeling.
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| Santa and Miss Claus read to the kids at the big family Christmas. I don't know these people but they all welcomed me with open arms. It felt good to be a part of something like that. |
All of these things were new and most welcome. Its helped me forget that December is always one of the worst months for me to get through. I knew I was going to be sad generally because of all the damage the changing seasons of my life has inflicted upon me. I didn't want to dwell in this sadness, but instead come up with something new to distract me. And it happened. Thank the lords of Khobol for that.
I even bought an all new Christmas Tree and decorations..
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| Santa came early last night cause he knew my kids would be here today! |
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| There's always something magical about a Christmas tree in the dark, with the lights making crazy patterns on the wall and only the light of it dancing in our dreams. Man it takes me back. |
Beautiful distractions. New traditions. Seeing other people's traditions. Its been a great lesson in learning how to move forward and not dwell in sadness. Its the goddamn holidays! And I felt like celebrating.
The fun isn't over yet. I have this whole weekend to look forward to and then New Years to get through. Dear old friends are coming over to celebrate the night and transition into 2016. We'll spin records, drink and play games. I cannot wait for it.
This time last year, I was numb. Lost. I spent New Years with an old friend who reached out to help me. What she didn't know is that she actually stood between me and the reaper. I didn't even notice when the clock struck midnight. I got through it. The thoughts of suicide had left me that night and I felt a drive to get through the storm that had come into my life and swept everything I knew away. After months of working two/three jobs, sleeping 2-5 hours a day, no car, no tv or bed, no money, no time, hurt, fear, anger, bitterness, a death to someone very close to me.... I finally made it all come together and I got spit out the other side into sanity. I have things that make me happy now. I have a desire in myself to improve and evolve my thinking. I have new friends and new projects coming together. I have the desire to travel more and explore the world.
The changes and trials are not over by any means. Starting next year, I am going to be put to even more changes and tests. And with that knowledge comes one basic idea:
What do I want?
To be honest, I have no idea. Tyler Durden said in Fight Club: "Its only after you lose everything that you are free to do anything."
Okay, so I can do anything. What that will be? No idea.
I have projects I want to do. But no drive currently to get them done. It seems like a large mountain to climb with the possibility of no payoff other than self-gratification. Is it too late for me to gain new followers and evolve my art and writing? Can I be more than the sum of my shattered parts? Or do I prefer to just enjoy media now instead of creating it? I got a backlog of movies, tv, books to enjoy. Model kits I've had for years that I've never assembled.
We all want to be the hero of our story. We all want to rise above it and ourselves. The person in the mirror is our worst enemy and our best friend. I'll be honest and say that for a long time now, I haven't liked myself. I have "stuff in the basement" that I need to clear out. I want to get healthy. I want to save money. I want to transition... into what? Doing what?
Its a horrible feeling to have being 37 and lost. By the time I am 40 I hope to have it all figured out. But you know me, tomorrow I could snap together and finish all my books and have them out by late 2016, hating the fact that I stated I ever doubted myself. Maybe this is an artistic mid-life crisis. Maybe its shrapnel from all the changes. Maybe... maybe... maybe...
At least I am awake and self aware to make these discussions a reality. I can discuss the potential change I seek in myself. I desire change and improvement. I don't want to sit and wallow. It would be good for me to go on a spiritual journey and finally grow up a bit, in my head. The desire is there. The execution? We'll see.
I would like to give you all a time table of what to expect and when from me next year, but I honestly cannot. All I know is that I still am working. I am going at a slow pace and trying to relearn how to enjoy doing it. I colored some more STARSLAM 2 pages this week and I was impressed by pages I had drawn months ago and forgot about. Perhaps when I think I don't have it together, my art autopilot takes over and keeps me in the game. But I'm not gonna rush it. I'm gonna let the love simmer and cook and see how it tastes on the back end. I'm not gonna push myself as hard and see what I do in my boredom. Cause whatever I do at that point, is exactly what I wanted to do at that moment.
I was bored this week in between work. I did read some books and watched some TV and listened to new albums. But I also colored and drew. Glad it is still in there somewhere. Perhaps there is no crisis at all. I just need to learn to not drive myself so hard.
Its been hard to slow down. All this year has been damage control. That when I found myself in a "comfortable" position, I'm still not ready to exhale. I still feel like drilling down and examining "WHY." But at least I am awake and aware of who I am and what I need to do.
In short, Merry Christmas 2016. To all my friends and loved ones. Always look on the bright side of life. There's a lot of light shining through.
Luvs, T
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