Trapped inside the Circle of Random Thoughts

Well I planned to head out early this morning before work and get a few things off my massive TO DO list taken care of... but mother nature made other plans. Weather app said clear skies all week. I woke up to about 5 inches of new snow. That is Michigan for you. Yippie. So I am gonna stay in and take care of some home stuff before I have to venture out for yet another 10 hour shift.

This is the quarter of constant overtime at the day job. It is absolutely necessary as it will pay for my summer vacation and the transition to a newer and bigger home later in the year. Plus I got a couple other small mini vacation ideas I would like to attempt this year. Also, little promises Ive made myself that I hope to actually keep at some point. So the money is nice, but my sanity is waning. I try to save for things and every time I turn around something comes and dips into it. Seems like I can never get ahead. There is constant fear of it all falling apart just over my shoulder. Drives me fucking nuts. I find that the older I get, the more I cannot handle as I once did. Stress and anxiety leaves me burned out with restlessness, irritable bowel syndrome and anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I just am not myself anymore. I am irritable and I very easily can write toxicity out of my life. That is a good thing but man, am I changing every day.

I used to stay up all night and draw art. Well.... I cannot do it anymore. Back hurts. Hand goes numb. Brain gets frazzled. So I do it in chunks, when I feel like I can do it. Like last night I was gifted with penciling and inking four new Starslam 3 pages. I got about 30 pages I have to scan in and send to my colorist. Home stretch on the comic. Maybe about 25 pages to go. Then all the post production stuff. I really want to get this book out the door so I can move forward with other stuff I want to do.

Meanwhile I have been working on stories for the PATREON page launch. I got about four in the can right now, plus a bunch of other stuff. I still have to letter and PDF the stories, but they are mostly done other than that. The hard parts are anyway. If I only had the time to focus completely on it. I got no rhythm of getting things done like I used to.

This week Ive made no secret of the fact that I have felt tired and burned out more than normal. Ive tried to celebrate my 40th birthday all week and stay happy. Sometimes I have succeeded but mostly Ive drifted through. I leaned heavy on my girl and she helped me get through it. This weekend I took a Friday off so I could just relax. We went to Chili's and I had a nice lunch with her.

Sharp knives help with the stress!!!

We spent the rest of Friday just relaxing. I watched some DEEP SPACE NINE in bed and just vegged out. I even played some video games. But then the need to get some work done hit me late into the day. I scanned a few new pages and dropped some flat colors on them. I negotiated getting onto a new card set and even a new commission. Seems the freelance work will always be in my corner. Im grateful that people still want my stuff, so I find it hard not to turn it down. It also helps keep me focused that this IS a job, and a major source of extra income to help when I need it. Its what I went to college for, for fucks sake. Gotta keep it rolling and never give up on it.

On Saturday, we left town and just got away for a night. Once away I felt wonderful. A panic attack triggered before we left. I honestly have no idea why. But once we arrived and were safe, I felt completely fine. It was a good night for both of us to get away and enjoy the weather and another town. We got crunk and had fun. Necessary.

Then Sunday we returned home and I was feeling very ill. I slept most of the day, hung over and with bad irritable bowel syndrome issues. I find that I simply cannot drink like I used to. I have not drank much alcohol since October, with the exception of New Years. After nursing a sleepy hangover for a few hours, I got some groceries and then hit East Coast Subs for some eats. Then I watched some Star Trek and (GASP!) drew four pages on Starslam. Its good to know the desire to get the job done is still there even on my days of relaxing.

These are just examples of my days. Just some things on my mind.

I realized that January 27th this year, my Grandma Opal has been gone 30 years. I still remember her voice. Unreal.

My friend and coworker has been dealing with far more than I am. He and his wife's first child was born in October and was given very little chance to survive with a multitude of health issues. It is now almost February and baby Frank is still beating the odds with a body slam and a drop kick. He is now on the heart donor list and getting healthier every day. I'm very happy for his progress and cannot wait to see the day when he will go home, finally. I know it will be very soon.

Father and son enjoying a day together.

I decided I am going to back off TWITTER for a while... just to help curb the noise a bit. So far Ive found that I do not miss the yelling and mean spirited nature there. I much prefer spending time on my tumblr where its all porn 24/7! The world needs less politics and fighting and more porn, don't you think? 

Ive been re-watching through STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE off and on, as well as the ANIMATED series. But last night I sat at my small coffee table and watched TOS TREK while working on pages...

Necessary

So now begins three long weeks of solid work/sleep/work/sleep/kids on weekends/work/sleep pattern before another day off. However if the weather gets decent again, in the middle I might be able to hit a local pop culture con and meet a hero of mine. Cross my fingers on that. Either way, I know that I will be fine. I will make it to the next day off where I can relax and smell the roses a minute. I also got my oldest sons 18th Birthday this weekend. Lots to celebrate and be thankful for. Its hard to even let the stress into my brain anymore when there is so much to do... so much to celebrate and smile about.

Lets hope the smoke keeps clearing for us all and we can get to the spring in once piece. There is so many great things coming. It will all be worth it. Stay tuned...

~~T