Take the Shot

Some new art! Here's a sketch card I did of ATOM EVE for a charity set from the March of Dimes. When I see them online for bidding, I'll put links. Its for charity, so help out and bid big!

Comp is acting up again. Its just having a problem when I log into my side of the computer and shut down/restarting. I think its a scan disk problem, but I am not sure. I've run disc utility on it and it doesn't find anything wrong. Also I've run two different virus protectors on it but no luck. I got my important stuff backed up, so thats good. When I get paid next I am gonna finally get an external HD and use Time Machine to back everything up for good. Its about time, right? I'm an idiot. Anyway, I don't think its a HD problem, so thats good. Just general machine stuff. I think I Am gonna try to pull a bit of it apart and clean some dust out of it. Should help I think.

I'm proud of Scott (the bots) and his overall improvement over the summer. For those that don't know, we believe he has sensory induction disorders of some sort. He just sorta does things when he wants to and has trouble talking. But this summer he's learned to count to 20, name some shapes, name colors and repeats lots of phrases we say. He's attempting to sing too! He has phrases now for things he wants and can communicate better. He also recognizes things and characters he knows and says them when he sees them in the outside world. He interacts good with people and animals. A VAST improvement over the last six months. And man he's smart and crafty. Early on we were concerned it might be some form of autism (as it runs in my family all over), but I knew that it wasn't the case. We were also concerned that when he was born he was in the birth canal too long and the hospital we were at made poor decisions about not going for a C section and when he was out, tons of water was in his lungs still and they couldn't get it out. Or didn't realize they needed to get it out. Not sure if it helped slow the cognitive development he has had the last couple years, but whatever. It seems he's coming out of it now and growing into his own. He's made great improvements! And this ain't a parent just saying that, its for real. He really is, and its great to see. He starts another year of preschool in a couple weeks and I cannot wait to see their reaction to his progress and what all he will be doing next!

You don't know how difficult it can be to have a child who is hard to communicate with. You keep trying and get very frustrated when they can't or won't reciprocate. You even get jealous when you are out and about and see someone else's kid who is younger and seems more advanced in speech. Its really tough to swallow and sometimes you feel like its your fault. But it takes patience. Extreme patience. We're not out of the woods yet, but we're getting there, thats for sure. But I would urge this to you parents out there: NEVER tell your kids to shut up! I was at a Walmart a while back and there was a little girl talking up a storm and the dad yelled at her and told her to "shut the fuck up." I so badly wanted to beat down that guy and say "look man, my child won't even talk to me cause of a condition he has. I'd give ANYTHING if he could talk to me as well as your daughter can." And everyone I've talked to about Scotts' condition always says the same thing: that they know someone who didn't start talking till they were 4 or 5, and now "you can't get them to shut up!" They always say that. Well, I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever tell him to "shut up." Never. I want to hear what he has to say. I've waited four years for it. I had a dream when he was about two that I woke up and he was talking normally. I was in shock. And he turned to me and said, "I love you daddy." I woke myself up crying. And I know one day that will happen. Just gotta remain patient. So parents: Be cool with your kids and their talking.

My freelance work this year has been outstanding and I cannot thank those involved enough. I've certainly had some help in the last year from some kind hearted folks to help me get off the ground. I've really reached out and expanded my resume and work load this year. So much so that I think soon I will be able to leave the day job world behind for good and move on with my life. And its time too. For a long while now, I've been stressed beyond belief at the day job and just the general realization that I just don't belong in that world anymore. Not just the job itself, but the concept of the day job alone. Any day job. I stay there to help feed and take care of my family and pay my bills. I do things there I am not proud of and I deal with a lot of drama shit. I swear that job has more drama than any other job I've ever had COMBINED! And I've tried to "fix" it. I've tried to bring my expertise to the table and help them figure it out. I say that cause I got no stake in the overall outcome of the place at all. I am not interested in promotion or anything really. Just more money. I am only interested in helping those who need it, and I've tried. Its fell on deaf ears. Which leads me to realize that its just beyond me to help those who do not want help. So I remain stuck and if I think about it too much, I go crazy. For the most part, I work with decent people. A couple of them I feel like I am pretty close with. Its been rewarding in that area, certainly. And I will miss them when I am gone. But the efforts and any "care" I've given are on deaf ears and we're polishing the brass on the Titanic, cause its all going down. I feel like I am on a floater just biding my time till the other shoe drops. Either they get sick of me and my trying to fix it, or the realization that I am not too moldable and they will let me go, or I will just have enough and move on. And believe me I've tried to score other day jobs. No one will work around my wife's availability. And we've made the choice as parents to not put our kids in day care. I get a few days off and then if feels so far away and behind me. And then return to the place to see everyone stressing or bitching about the most minor, minor MINOR things. Its like no one sees the big picture at all anymore. And some people there are beyond rude. Won't reciprocate a "Hello" to you when you say it. They'd just as soon spit at you rather than make kind small talk. Just some broken people and shady shit. I guess I try to make things out bigger than they should be really. My fault. but when basic human interaction is lacking, its not worth my time and effort. It pains me at times that I am not "more successful" in my artwork, so I can just quit now and get on with it. I've been told by the winds time and time again that when I put my faith in anything but my family or my art, I'll be let down. I've been shown that always. So whats the problem when the answer seems so obvious?!

One of my favorite writers, Alan Moore, once said: "Anything of any value in our lives, whether that be a career, a work of art or a relationship, will always start with a leap. And you have to put aside the fear of failure and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely, purely without fear or desire. Because the things that we do without lust of result, are the purest actions that we shall ever take." Sounds easy. But for me, I have to have faith. I want to provide for my family. I cannot get over the fear that the winds will not be there for me to blow freelance and solid, consistent paying work my way if I take that leap. Its not unlike being in a band. You gotta give up your "safe life" to go live in a van and eat bologna for a year hitting gig to gig, hoping you "make it" and sign that big contract in the sky. Thats why I'm so inspired by those who leap by faith in their cause and their work. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes not. If it were just me in the balance, I'd do it without question. But I got three other lives to worry about and it scares me. But the good thing is that I'm young. I'm only 34. Despite appearances I am mostly healthy in heart and mind. I got some physical issues, but I am working on them. I'm making better decisions. And the last couple years I really have been evolving. And soon these seeds I have been watering will bear great fruit. That much I am certain of. If anything the last couple years have demonstrated to me that my artwork has value and is sought after. I am good enough to do erotic work for galleries in Europe, to work for Marvel, DC and now STAR WARS! My friends tease me about this, but I gotta admit its true: My art appealed so much to artists like H.R. Giger, that he bought and proudly owns a piece that I did! I mean, what tops that?? And I offer the best rates, fast turnaround and great deals for everything I do and sell. I've been more than fair and giving in all my business dealings and often undercut myself in an effort to keep busy. I've never taken advantage of anyone. So I got the business down. The work is flowing. My faith in myself is strong as it ever has been. Now the question is: When do I take the leap? Cause I need to. Its about time. Cause everything else is full of nothing. I see the flaws too easily and I see what I REALLY need to focus my time and efforts on. I need to make this leap. I need to double down and go for it. I need to take the shot. The great Wayne Gretzky once said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." Its time to take the shot. By the end of this year, I am shooting for it. With another baby on the way, I cannot do this life to myself anymore. I need to move on to the next phase. I need to take the shot. I see the goal, I got the puck and I'm racing toward it, raring back on it. I'm Jason Hanson after the ball is snapped. I'm running up to the ball with my leg stretched behind me and ready to kick that ball through them guards and over the line. I see the ball coming at me and its right over the plate. I start to swing cause I know I can hit it.

Folks: Let go of the old life. Take the shot.

Luvs, T