Who cares right? Its just a silly toy/stuffed animal. So what? Well, it means a lot to me. Always has. Here's the story:
Around 6 years ago, the wife and I were discussing having children of our own. I really wasn't into being a dad. But one drunken late night talk had her convincing me that we would be selfish people to not share our love and create and mold another human being. Despite her being two sheets to the wind, she made a lot of damn sense. I decided that night that we were going to be parents. The next day we were just walking around Meijer, a superstore in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. We walked through the baby aisle looking at clothes, a crib, all the things you'd need. I remember noticing how expensive everything seemed and I was already getting cold feet. But we find this cute stuffed bear in the shape of a star. Bright and yellow. A little moon on its tummy. We fell in love with it for some reason and decided to buy it as the first toy our future child would get. So we brought it home and it sat on our book shelf, waiting for the day it would have a child to be with.
Here is what he looked like that day:
A year later, we moved three hours south to St. Joseph, Mi to start a family and be close to my best friend. We were very lonely and we hated our time and jobs there. We had no friends really, only each other. So we focused on being upcoming parents. The wife got pregnant and we prepared for it all. We bought a crib and once it was made and ready, Star Bear went into the crib, waiting. Well, our son was born about 5 weeks early and thus had to stay in the hospital for an additional 3 weeks due to the water in his lungs, not being able to eat and breathe on his own. I ran home to grab some extra clothes and things because the wife and I stayed in the hospital with him until he would come home. We slept on floors, in rocking chairs, in a Ronald McDonald House at one point, a free hospital room and then my parents came up and got us a hotel room for a week (bless them for that!). I was driving the hour and change back and forth to work and checking on the cats in the house. It was a difficult time to say the least. At some points, we didn't even know if he was going to live. One hospital was so rude and helpless and I still blame them to this day for being horrible at their job and causing even more complications. Its even possible that Scotts Autism might have been caused by us being in labor way too long and them leaving all that water in his lungs. They were just horrible. It was a horrible experience. But anyway, when I went home that first night to grab extra clothes, I grabbed Star Bear. And we put him in the plastic crib in the hospital with Scott. He was there through the whole thing, going with us on this horrible journey.
Eventually Scott came home and so did Star Bear. As as Scott grew, for some reason, he attached himself to Star Bear. He would sleep with him every night. He took him everywhere we went. Sucking his thumb, fiddling with the little ribbon around his neck. Star Bear was his comfort toy. One that I didn't mind encouraging. It was cute to me. One of the words he first started saying was BEAR (pronounced Beeooor). He couldn't leave the house without him (except for school. No way was I having him lost at a school!) nor would he go to sleep without him. Star Bear went everywhere we went.
Over the years, Star Bear's bright yellow color has faded into a dull grey. We've washed him many times and his coating was so thin that we've had a fear he'd fall apart in the washer or dryer. A very well loved bear! It would stink sometimes. OR have no smell at all. But bots didn't care. He loved Star Bear in any condition. Even soaking wet from the washer, or a sink scrub.
I cannot tell you how many times we've almost lost Star Bear. He was left behind at restaurants, stores, fell out of the car as we left a place and had to drive back to get it. It produced a heart attack to us each time. To me, there's nothing sadder than seeing a child lose a precious toy. If you asked me to think of the saddest thing in the world, its a toddler getting a helium filled balloon from the store and then accidently losing grip on it outside and it floating away. They want it back and watch it fly away and the parent is helpless to get it back for them and don't want to bother getting another in the store to replace it. It just kills me.
But we've lost the bear in the house many times. We've tore the house apart over and over trying to find it at times. Bots sometimes just leaves him somewhere and forgets where he left him last. But he always turned up. But deep down I knew one day, that bear would be left somewhere or get lost and we'd never find him again. And I would be deeply sad about it. I think I was more attached to the bear than Scott was!
Well, last night it happened. The wife and bots went out to the tire place to get a repair and then to the dollar store. She remembers him having it there because at one point he dropped it, only to get it back there. Then they left and came home. But he must have dropped him along the way back. The best I can figure is that he was dropped in the parking lot and some kid took him. What a kid would want with a ratty old faded bear is beyond me. The bear was obviously well loved. Well, we both went back repeatedly. We checked all the stores that remained open to see if someone turned one in. I drove around the tire place just to rule it out. There's a couple more places I can try calling this morning when they open, but at this point it is a long shot in my mind. We've tore the house apart. I still secretly hold out hope that he's here somewhere and we're just overlooking it. Star Bear can look like a real small thing sometimes. His stuffing is all on one side and when dropped he folds up like nothing. Looks like a rag more than a stuffed animal. But we've all looked EVERYWHERE. He's just not here. I even went to the local Meijer here in Lansing on the slim chance they still stocked such a bear, but it was not meant to be.
Last night bots went to bed for the first time without his Beeoorr. It was sad to hear him call for the bear and we had no bear to give him. It was heart breaking. Such a helpless feeling. Like explaining to a child about death. (silly I know, but work with me here) But sleep into exhaustion he did. I surfed ebay for what is called a "13' Kids Preferred Yellow SWEET DREAMS Star Teddy Bear" and bought one. I even emailed the seller detailing my story and begged them to send it ASAP in exchange for some free artwork. But I had to pay via paypal echeck, which won't clear for a week. Then probably another week to get the bear. The wife bought another one via credit card on her ebay! So we got TWO Star Bears coming. Cause believe me, I don't want to go through this again. It sucks. I went to bed early last night because I was upset about it. The wife too. And all I could think about was that damn bear. A stupid bear. A silly bear. And I woke up this morning, and it was the first thought on my mind. I had to write this blog and tell the story, as silly as it is. I take comfort in knowing a new bear (two of em) are coming. And Scott most likely will forget all about this and have a brand new Beeoorr. But in my mind, the old one is still gone. And I hope his new journey is just as exciting as ours was. If some kid took him, I hope he's making that kid equally as happy as he made us.
I tend to attach a lot of meaning to simple objects. Some things I cannot toss away because of memories with them. I'm not a hoarder mind you, just sentimental. Overly so. And this bear sure meant a lot to me because he was part of our story. Almost a damn family member. So Scott will get a new bear. And hopefully he will embrace it with the same love and comfort as he did the first Star Bear. And I hope he never lets him go. I know I can't.
--T
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