30 Things I want for my Birthday!

Thirty Things I want for my birthday!!

In preparation for my birthday in a couple weeks, I’m posting my “want list” in hopes that if someone wants to get me a present out there, you can get it for me! (or at least wish that I get it. Most of you out there are poor artists and writers like myself and I fully realize you don’t have any money either. So, all is forgiven you cheap bastards) I’ve been a good boy this year and this year is my last year of my twenties! I’d like to make it a good one. So, read along people and enjoy:

1 - The ability to control and manipulate people’s minds.
2 - 10 Billion Dollars.
3 - I’d like tobe giving on my birthday and give Paris Hilton constant anal bleeding. Like she’d keep wiping, and its nothing but blood. It goes on for days, weeks, months and she doesn’t die. She’d constantly be wondering when and if she was going to die from it. Doctors would be baffled and there is no cure. Constant anal bleeding. Give the photo hogs something to shoot for.
4 - Every Star Trek TOS toy I don’t have. Which ain’t much. I got alot of them cause I am the ultimate TOS fanboy. Is it me being all retro? No, I am not trying to RECAPTURE my childhood. I never left. I am like Michael Jackson. Sans the surgeries.
5 - Again, me being giving: I’d like to give all women of the world bigger breasts. Sure. Just they wake up and they are all size D and above. And all the clothing stores are not able to make new clothes to cover them for a short while so while they are busy making garments that can cover the breasts of the women of the world, it’s cleavage time. Wouldn’t that be a nice world?
6 - I’d like more hoodies. I love hoodies. 3X, hides the gut. Its my mumu.
7 - I’d like to get more than say, 300 people to read my comic this year. I mean, you 300 I’ve had so far have been great but don’t you think MORE people could enjoy them? I love all 300 people and I’d give you all hugs and freebies, but I need a larger target market.
8 - Photoshop and QuarkXpress for my MAC OS10. Much needed.
9 - My own personal action figure. Comes with bag of Cheetos, Pink Floyd T-shirt and kung fu “jerk it off nine times a day” grip. Very sweet.
10 - Grant my wife’s greatest wish and give me another inch or two.
11 - That the next celebrity scandal be a found bootleg video of James Blunt singing his “You’re Beautiful” while drowning in a 100 man sea of bukkake.
12 - To one day visit Vasquez Rocks to reenact Kirk’s fight with the Gorn.
13 - To give Simon Cowell a boil on his taint.
14 - Legos.
15 - To give my friend, and VERY video game addicted best friend, Shane Logan EVERY VIDEO GAME EVER MADE! So many in fact that he’s bored with them and steps out of the house to see the sunlight. He’s getting pale.
16 - Give Harry Knowels the power of flight.
17 - To sometime this next year visit the Quick Stop from Clerks again like I did last year. That rocked.
18 - One word: Pasta.
19 - A subscription to the following magazines: Penthouse Letters, Hardcore DVD Monthly, She-Male All Stars, Bound and Gagged, and Ranger Rick.
20 - To let me run into my old childhood friend Ike Forquer, cause I haven’t seen him since I was nine and I’d love to know what he’s up to nowadays.
21 - Bring “Firefly” back or another “Serenity” movie. Please.
22 - To let all people who use cell phones while driving suddenly die from their brains turning into liquid shit. Then the world would be like it was in THE STAND. Yay!
23 - My very own Coca-Cola machine.
24 - Just to reiterate my hate for her... in addition to the constant rectal bleeding, give Paris Hilton anal beeds made of hand grenades.
25 - A Snikers factory to move next door to my house.
26 - To make QVC have a secondary “all jewelry” channel, so my wife can quit her job and spend my previously mentioned 10 Billion dollars on rings. So long as she lets me keep adding on to my porno wing of our house.
27 - I’d like Adam West to wake up tomorrow and be 22 years old again physically. I don’t think he’s fucked enough chicks yet. And with his popularity on the rise after his Family Guy stint, he’d be chin deep in pussy.
28 - At every job there should be co-ed pudding wrestling. Make work fun to go to for once.
29 - The willpower to stop biting my fingernails into the quick. I mean, I do it to myself! I am causing my own suffering! Jesus Christ on a cracker what the hell is my problem??? Why can’t I just fucking stop!?!?!
30 - And lastly, World Peace, or wake up weighing a 150 pounds. And no matter what I eat or how much I don’t move, I never gain an ounce. That would be the shit.

So, if you all find it in your hearts to give, this is my list. Thanks folks! Love ya!

T