The Curse of the non-DYNAMIC Artist

Every artist of any sort knows this. So I am not saying anything new here. Its a curse we ALL have and sometimes it can kill even the best of us. Its not a device made to keep us humble, because we geniunely believe it. Its that we think our work sucks, even when others tell us it doesn't.

Now in the past, my work has been called "not so great" or "poor" or even "MEDIOCRE." To which I would agree. I was a mediocre artist at best. I let mistakes go. Nothing was consistant. I've been fighting with that ever since. Like, how can I stop from being percieved as sub par to the point of being sort of worthless in what I do?

In doing this, I had to step back and examine my strengths. I can write believable characters. I can do good facial expressions. I set up scenes and tell them sequentially in a good way that is easy to follow. But what was I missing?

I was missing that I wasn't very notable. I am not very DYNAMIC. In essence, my work did the job, but really didn't expand beyond that.

In comics, everyone is focused on the DYNAMIC. I mean, the biggest named artists out there (people like Jim Lee, Alex Ross, etc) are known as DYNAMIC artists. Me? I'm more of an indie artist guy in feel. I follow people like Jim Mahfood, Craig Thompson, Alex Robertson, Terry Moore, Adriane Tomine, etc. Are they DYNAMIC artists? No. But they do the job well and sell books, cause their work and their stories have alot of heart in them. Alot of themselves in them. They've worked hard to cultivate a following. They win awards. They may not put fanboys/girls in drooling awe of their art, but they can effect them in ways other artists cannot. Like making them tear up or get angry at a story they've done.

THATS what I am good at. I've realized that.

However, I do somewhat desire to be considered DYNAMIC to a point. Not that I want to be like a JIM LEE or something. But I would like to be considered competent and confident in what I do. I used to get down about my work. I'd do a page, come back to in a few days later and hate it. but I couldn't redo it, cause of deadline crunch.

Now its opposite. I'll do pages and come back to them later. I'll see little things I can improve on, but for the most part, I am happy with what I've done. I feel that the new Pleasant Life Trade and the current work on Outcast are the best art I have ever done. Also, the best stories I have told. I cannot wait to unleash them and prove everyone wrong.

I guess thats part of it too. When I am told I am mediocre or poor, I want to improve and get better. I want to beat that perception. I want them to say "oh, well... okay then. You did it." Problem is, no one will. I feel sorta unvalidated. and that leads me to this hidden fear of: "you know, maybe you really DO suck and no one wants to tell you, because you seem so into it and driven, that it would break your heart to tell you. And no one wants to do that." Thats the main fear I have. that I am kidding myself. that everyone secretly thinks I suck ass at what I do. While its true that my old stuff had a LOT of room to improve, I feel that my latest work will prove all of that perception wrong. I truly believe that.

As confident as I am in what I want and what I can do, I sometimes need a pat on the back saying "yeah man. You're working at it. Its getting good. We can see it. Don't stop." Just once I'd like to hear that.

I told the story about the guy who outside of the CMU cafe came out of no where and saved me from quitting doing comics. I got another story to share. Something more personal. Something I've rarely told anyone, outside my wife and a couple close friends: One day I was sitting and actually praying. Yeah, praying. After all the troubles between me and my lost faith from a long time past, I was trying to talk to whoever, WHATEVER might listen. I clasped my hands and opened my floodgates of my soul. I cried and said all of what I honestly felt of myself. I moaned on how I wished my dreams would come true. I lamented about my mediocrity and my sub par creations. I just honestly let it all out. Suddenly, I felt my whole body get extremely warm. Hot even. Like a spotlight was shining on me intensely. and I felt myself speak, but it wasn't words I was thinking of for myself. They just came out and it was as if someone else was talking to me with my own words. I said "Don't let it get to you. You were meant to do what you do. You will do it well and people will love what you do. Don't doubt yourself. You know you got it in you." and this last sentence got to me: "You are worthy and I am going to give this to you."

As soon as I said that, I felt myself instantly cool, like the spotlight had been shut off and I froze. Like, Why did I just say that? It weirded me out. I still to this day do not know what that meant. If it even was some sort of "experience" as some would call it. Or if I tapped into something in myself that took over. Or if it was some sort of outside thing effecting me. but it scared me and I've never forgot it.

Now I don't want you all thinking that "Oh shit, Adam says he's got the HOLY SPIRIT and JESUS CHRIST said he's gonna draw comics!" Man, don't think that please. I dunno why I shared that with you all. I guess I am just over honest. My work reflects that I think. I drew my mother dying in my book. I drew my relationship woes into it. I drew my heart into my book. My faults. My fears. My words. Me. Its all me. I think that if I die tomorrow, the world can say that Adam Talley's work was brutally personal and honest. I guess thats why I hold it so close to myself, and why it effects me so. I dunno how closely these DYNAMIC artists hold their work to themselves, or if they draw what they draw just cause it gets people to buy their shit... like "girlie" artists would. I can't be like them.

I can only be me. and when I draw my pages, its me being me. And whatever level of notariaty or "fame" I may achieve with that, doesn't matter to me. Like in ROCKY, when he lost via the split decision to the "better" man, he still went the distance, but he didn't even care about it. All he cared about was those he loved. It was the fact that he did survive and become better than who and what he was.

I may never be DYNAMIC. but I am artist. Hear me roar.

See you in 2009, with 5 new books, new prints and at the convention tables with a smile.

T