Well, Last blog post of 2011. I'll be celebrating the new year home alone tonight as plans for some dear friends to come over fell through. But truthfully, thats fine. It serves as fitting in a way. 2011 was such an introspective, transitional, and personal year for me. Ups and some major downs. Some awakenings to change in me and oncoming evolution that is a necessary thing. I turn 34 in January. I've treaded water on a lot of things in my life. And I think the Gods of time are kicking my balls around about it.
I've talked on here a bit already about this past year's dealings and my disappointment in myself. Depression and loss of steady Inspiration and drive seemed to seep in at the end of the year. Some of the things I had planned didn't come to pass. I took a bit of time to sort of take a swim in "Lake Me" and reflect on health, my friends, family and my next step. Certain worldly pressures and stresses also creeped into me and got hold of me. I used to be such a rock that these things were easily dismissed. But for some reason I let them get to me this past year. For all the growth that I had done since 2009 post San Diego, I felt like I was taking two steps back mentally. And for the first time, a couple things I had promised to do did not happen. While it was a self-imposed deadline and didn't really effect anyone that much, it effected me. Cause I knew something, deep down, was wrong.
I cannot put a button on what I am feeling this year. I've had some health scares in my family this year. My wife, my parents, her parents. Scotts' ongoing therapy and challenges of trying to talk and all that. I think its just wore me down, personally. I stay strong for everyone as always. But in time, I wither. I also have great disappointment in my inability to stay on a diet. That is nothing new. But I was publicaly shamed in this last year about it. My own doing, but still the fact remains. I just didn't have what it took inside to beat this thing yet again. It makes me look and feel like a failure. I only did one convention and I miss all my friends and fans. My head wasn't in the game. The wife and I have been struggling to realize the extent of our debt and make a plan to stop it before it gets out of hand. But every time we start a plan, something comes to stop us and we are right back to square one. I've had to get a day job and at that job, every day there is tons of drama and "he said she said" stuff and it derails my thinking. I let the evils of that place get to me and drag me down into the muck with it. I haven't been able to disconnect yet. And lastly, as a result of all of this, my work suffers. Things get pushed back and I don't have what I dub the "Eye of the Tiger," That EDGE, that I had back in 2002 or 2009. I was extremely productive in those years. Somehow after 2010 ended, I withered and lost it.
Not to say I was completely dormant in 2011. In fact, 2011 has been my most busy and financially successful year I ever have had since doing art for a living. I got a steady stream of commissions all year long. I released ANNA POCALYPSE, my first full color graphic novel to great reviews and feedback. And thanks to my pal Durden for kicking me in the ass and getting into it, I started doing Sketch Cards for Cryptozoic and Upper Deck/Marvel, plus others. I've got to work on some dream properties like Image comics, Strangers in Paradise, Walking Dead and Marvel characters!!! I've had continued love and support for all I do and I wholeheartedly appreciate it. I haven't left you, no. But I have realized that I had problems and I am trying to correct them.
I know it sounds like I am a drug addict who is coming back from 9 months of rehab or something. After all, it was only depression and a case of embarrassment and shame. But I feel like I have emerged. I've rediscovered music. I've been watching new movies and TV Shows and reading books again. Trying to rediscover "ME." Rediscovering who I am now. Somehow I had forgot while I was on autopilot this whole year. I haven't been here. I am reminded of the Radiohead song "How to Disappear Completely." Thats how I have felt, exactly. Like I've checked out and just went inside my head to sleep for a while. Sounds odd as fuck, I know. But somewhere recently, I woke up and realized, "Hey, fucker. Wake up. You got shit to do. Get on with it already!" And I am awake. I am getting pumped. I am getting better. Becoming myself again. BUT --- A slightly altered self. I am no longer interested so much in the accumulation of things, nor am I angry about things beyond my control as much. The other night I was at the day job and there is an asshole dude who works there. He came in and was a prick to me as always and I just sort of smiles through my furrowed eyebrows and moved on mentally. I wasn't going to let him affect me or my life that day. I let it go. Whereas before this, I would have been mad and quiet all day. In ten minutes after the incident, I was joking around and having a great time with my other co-worker. The arrows that arsehole shot at me missed their mark. So yes, I am back. And better. And slowly becoming inspired.
So onward 2012. I hope you can find your happiness next year as well my dear friends. CAuse its right there. I used to think that I wasn't in control of my life and my own happiness. That Happiness was a gift that was given to me sometimes If I was lucky enough to feel it one day. But I realized that we all are in charge of our own happiness. and if you are not happy, its because of something you are not doing. You can change that. Today. Right now. We all want to be the hero of our story. You can be that. Today. Right now. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Go live. Hey, its a new year. Let's celebrate it. Glasses high, hopes and dreams at our back. Thats today, right now. And right now is all I need.
Happy New Year my droogies. Be safe. Celebrate safely! 2011 is over. 2012 is coming. Its a year we will never forget. I intend to prove all of the above to you. But mostly, to myself.
Eye of the Tiger baby. Stay hungry, stay foolish. Today. Right Now.
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