Scary Night.

Yesterday was a normal day for the most part. I let the wife sleep all day cause she had to work an overnight at Walgreens. Bots and I hung out at the house on what was dubbed "his first snow day." School was cancelled due to the snow and we just hung around. Kelly got up at 5pm or so and we watched Beavis and Butthead avi files I got and ate dinner. We laughed and caught up. We havent seen each other lately due to our work schedules. It was great to spend some time with my best friend. We got bots to sleep and then I sat at the coffee table, ready for a night of late night drawing. I felt the bug hit me hard and I was gonna catch the wave. the wife took off for work. 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from 911 saying "we have your wife and she's being taken to the hospital." I'm like, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK?!?!?!?!! She called shortly thereafter and said she had symptoms of a heart attack in the car on the way to work and she pulled over and called an ambulance to come and get her. She left the Jeep on the side of the freeway. I called my pal Dean and he drove over here to get bots and I. I was pacing around the house, nervous as fuck. We get to the car, Indiana Jones it into the Jeep past speeding trucks and traffic and circle back to Sparrow Hospital in Lansing. The same hospital where almost 34 years ago, I entered this world. I haven't been in there since until now. We get there and she is all set up under a monitor. Tests were run, all negative on heart problems. Negative on all the major stuff. The result: Anxiety Attack.

When I've heard the term "panic attack" or "Anxiety attack" in the past, I never took it serious. I always thought, just breathe heavy. Calm down, sort it out. What you got to be anxious or upset about?!?! I never took it seriously. But it is a real thing, and I am very aware of that now. To be honest, I'm learning a lot. A few other friends have emailed me their thoughts and experiences too.

Last night, when I got the call, I thought she was having a heart attack. Her body has been through a lot. Before we met 9 years ago, she was 295 pounds and then lost it all down to 130. Then after having our baby (and being around my bad influence I am sure), she's gained weight. I know those sorts of changes cause great havoc with your system. So that is what I thought it was last night. I thought "this is it. Our punishment for putting ourselves through all the crap we do to ourselves." I've always said that is the only way I'd learn to lose weight finally, when I would have a large heart attack and almost buy the farm. But all tests came back negative. In fact, the doc last night said she was in PERFECT health. I was in awe. And extreme relief.

One year ago --- We were here shopping apartments in Lansing and I had a pain in my upper left torso. Not pain, but uncomfortableness. I talked about it on my blog here. It had been there for a few days but for some reason on this day, it felt more intense than usual. It was so bothersome that on the way home, we found a walk in clinic in Kalamazoo to stop in and they ran an hours worth of tests on me. I was seriously worried that I had some sort of pancreas or stomach ailment, a serious one. And for me to be scared enough to actually go to a doctor (I am not a fan of them at all. They've screwed up a lot of diagnoses in the past, including my mothers), well that was something. But all tests came back negative. And the doctor remarked that despite my weight and the extreme damage I do to my body with the shit I shovel into my mouth, I am in PERFECT health. I guess I should count myself lucky for that. I think I got it in my head that we should be "punished" for the lifestyle we've lead and my constant failures at weight loss.

The wife has been going through some stuff lately. Job stress and the uncertainty about it. They transferred her an hour away to Jackson, MI to a store there (she manages a Walgreens) and the drive in the winter is killer. She drove 2.5 hours in that horrid snow storm the other night to get to work. We're looking into other options. A large retail store offered her a management position here and she is considering it. Bills are getting out of hand, we're spending tons on gas and wear and tear on the car. our kid started head start schooling... Its adding up in her mind. I'm amazed that we all don't have some sort of anxiety disorder, with the stress the news and the world events have on our minds. We are meant to care about a ton of celebrity problems and our politicians cannot get shit together, economy is in the crap hole and the horrible events going on world wide. It can get to you. It does me sometimes. But I rebury my head in the sand and try to ignore it all and stay positive. Or I let it out in a song, a poem, writing in my journal or my blog here. Its sorta my artist brain too. I gotta put myself through some shit so that I get it all out. Thats when I create my best stuff. Books like PLEASANT LIFE were written while I was dealing with pain. ANNA POCALYPSE was born out of my anger of the loss of strong female characters in modern pop culture. Its just my outlet. But some people don't have that outlet. Its what I am slowly realizing now. Its a real thing.

So I guess we're gonna explore some medicine to help her out. I'm gonna make sure she relaxes a bit and learns to not take her job woes too serious. The job is a means to an end, not the totalization of who she is. I appreciate everyones thoughts, messages and what not's from last nights events. It was a scary thing to go through but I count ourselves lucky. An expensive lesson to prove that we are better off than we thought but also need to take better care of things we have been neglecting. But the main thing is I am glad it wasn't anything serious. All I could think about is losing her and that I cannot do this all alone. I feel I handled it well. But inside I was coming apart. I have a good outer shell to keep myself together to take care of things.

T

On a side note, on facebook when this went down, I asked for prayers. I feel sorta guilty about saying that. Prayer is not in my vocabulary often. I have trouble with beliefs in this, to not get too deep into the matter. and I heard it said that "prayer is the last refuge of the scoundrel." I should have said "send positive thoughts." To me, its sorta the same thing. I hope that is clear enough.

And lastly, MAJOR thanks to my good friend Dean who I called to come get the bots and I last night. He had to walk to his car almost a mile away and drive the 25 minute trek to come get us. I owe him big time.