Wanna know how stupid I am? This is how stupid. I get up and take bots to breakfast. He has pancakes and 2 hashbrowns. The wife has hasbrowns and 2 burritos. I have one egg on a muffin. Cause I am trying to lose weight. I take the bots to the doctors office. In there I look in the large mirror and observe how fat I am. I get disgusted! My face has so much flesh around it and my eyes, nose and mouth are like tiny dots in the center of this huge HUGE jug head of a melon! I am just appalled by what I see. So I leave there depressed. I go get his medicine and go to walmart. Then on the way out I stop and get Arbys. Get a large Roast Beef and a small fry with drink. I get it ate and then realize.. OH YEAH! A few minutes ago, I hated myself. And I didn't even THINK about that when I went through here. It was just automatic. I just was on auto pilot. Such a habit! Odd. Now I am peed at myself for not thinking. Its not even like I wrestled with it. I just "forgot" what I was giving myself crap for an hour before! How stupid is that?
I've started to defeat all my 5 2012 plans that I promised. But the #1.. the "Must lose 60 pounds by the end of the year" keeps eluding me. And its my fault. Cause I am such a creature of disgusting habits that I just do the bad thing, without even thinking about what its going to do. Its not like I was tempted and decided to do bad. I just did the bad. Didn't even REMEMBER.. Oh yeah, you're supposed to be not eating this crap.
I've watched tons of documentaries and read tons of stuff on the stuff that is in the crap I eat. I read about the mistreatment of animals and yet I still eat it. I just do it and do it and do it and do it. To be honest, I'm scared. It was just an automatic thing. I never even questioned it. Not once.
I need help. Rehab. Something. ANYTHING. Perhaps to wake up finally. Before one day I never wake up again. It would be nice to go to bed at night without checking my own pulse about 30 times, afraid I am going to die in my sleep. You'd think I'd be scared enough to change by now. Whats it gonna take finally???
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Didn't mean to post something so morbid sounding. I just like speaking my mind. Raw and unedited. I ain't gonna fill you folks with fluff. I am not a perfect person. I am flawed, like we all are. If anything, you can't say I wasn't an honest person in life, am I right? I'm pretty open about who and what I am, what I've done. Good and bad. We all want to be the "hero of our story" don't we? And I'm trying hard to wake up finally and slay this demon. So many other people in this world never overcome their addictions. They die from it. I don't want to be the same way. I want to prove it to you all. And to myself.
"And if I could, yes, I would, if I could, I would, let it go." --U2 "BAD"
On to the next day. Try try again.
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