I wanna take a moment outside my usual goings on here at IH headquarters to salute a date that for me still burns. It was 20 years ago today that Kurt Cobain left this world. How, I'll leave to the skeptics and the realists. We don't want to believe he was a coward and could do such a chickenshit thing to leave this world via a suicide. For some of us, he was an "idol." I know, hard to believe me thinking that now, 20 years on. Cause although I considered him, the music, his attire part of me and my life back then, I have moved on to other things. Different bands I love more. New music that reached me even more than Nirvana did. BUT, I never forgot Nirvana. IN UTERO remains in my personal top 10 of all time. I still own and read all the books collecting articles on the band and the man. I still listen to the bootlegs and get excited to read any new snippit of info about Kurt or the band. It just still is very alive in my brain and probably always will be.
When you compare Kurt to what many consider the "greats" like Lennon, Hendrix, etc... he does pale in comparison. Yeah so he wrote some songs that shifted interest into a genre of music from a specific location for a while and he couldn't handle it. And then he turned into being a junkie and then did the stupidist thing a person could do with the gift of life and we were left behind going, "what the fuck?" And we still are searching for answers. All this week, "new photos" from the Cobain suicide scene have been released. Some showing various parts of his body, the suicide note, the heroin box, etc. We're just obsessed with the thing. We don't want to believe that he would do that to us. And believe me, part of me questions it all still. But really its because we don't want to believe someone who made good art couldn't handle this thing called life. So instead of feeling pissed that we aren't getting any more art from him, we obsess over a dream that he was taken from us. I get it. And when I reflect on the music, I'm right there with you. Listening to a Nirvana song now since 1994, there looms a deep shadow. The reminder, that... "oh yeah."
As a teenager I was OBSESSED with the band. For a couple years after 1994, I always took April 5th off and listened to every Nirvana album all the way through. I'd burn incense, sometimes....a joint, and strum along to songs I knew. It was the first time I felt loss as a teen. A sort of generational thing that is hard to describe, but everyone at some point, does feel. Someone they loved in pop culture dies and they get locked in time to that moment. For some today, it was people like Amy Winehouse or the dude from Fast & Furious. Thats why I get it when the kids get crazy over it. Cause I did back in 94. Sometimes I tell the story of my obsession over the band and people will give me shit about it. And it is sort of silly. But in the end, it was for me... no one else.
I missed most of Nirvana due to location. We had moved to southern Illinois in 1991 and I missed "Teen Spirit." In South Illinois, there were no rock stations. None at all. And not MTV. Only VH1. So when I returned in 93, In Utero had just come out and I had missed the most of it. But I discovered In Utero through a friend and became obsessed with that band. My first major band obsession. I don't know what appealed to me about the album. Just the feeling in the music spoke to me at the time. And it still gets to me. For me, it literally is a time machine to listen to that album. I'm 15 again, every time. Throughout the years I collected every bootleg I could of live shows, rare tracks, etc. Then the big box set came out and before it, the great "unreleased song" I kept hearing about. It was called You Know You're Right. I heard it for the first time and I remember the line: "I'll never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good." It hit me hard. And I knew this was the last bit I would ever get. The teenage me was gone for good.
But I was wrong. Recently I was dreaming and I dreamt that they found hidden tapes of demos and acoustic recordings that Kurt had done with the intention of releasing. I heard this song play in my dream and it was called "Always a Stranger." And I swear it sounded real. Like a real Kurt song. Same patterns, same chords together that just made sense. That THAT VOICE.... I woke up and toyed with capturing it via a recording, the chords and verses fresh in my mind still. I entertained the silly idea that perhaps there is a life beyond this life and this was the universe reaching me back for my loyalty and giving me a track of music and I should share it. But I felt silly about it and decided the song should only play in one place: My head. Its my song, as stupid as it seems. But I like the thought of it. Its just a bit more comfort to me in the overall story.
So here it is, 20 years later. I'm older and not angry anymore. I love other bands more. But no matter what/who you move on to, no matter what you do, part of you will never forget your first time. Your first kiss. Your first crush. Your first band that you loved. That song that spoke to you and only you. Other people won't get it, but thats fine, because its not for them. Its for you. And as I reflect on 20 years, it only seems like yesterday. The news is real in my head, as is the music... old and new. And I'll never forget and I'll carry it with me always. Its part of me. Its all of me. All in all is all we are.
BTW, I still have my flannel and sweaters. I don't wear them often, but I still have em.
T
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