Late Night Rumblings about Music, Art and Other Forgettable Things

Its 10:30pm on Wednesday. I can't sleep.

My sleep is all jacked up from switching shifts this week from my usual 3-11pm shift to a 7-3pm shift at my day job. Its my fault, I volunteered for the gig. Starting next week I do split shifts to train in a new skill set of outputting graphic design for different products than what I currently do. Its an industry standard now, and the experience will be greatly valuable for me as I move forward in my career there or wherever I may roam. Meanwhile at home, I'm doing sketches in books and commissions for clients for the Kickstarter and private commissions. Then I am dreaming up the next page art on Starslam 3 and stuff for the Patreon stories and eventual launch. Anything to get some legs under the table of my "art career."

Meanwhile, I'm battling a new health issue: Carpal Tunnel... which has recently surfaced and is becoming a literal pain. Right now its something I can cope with, especially with the use of braces and other such devices. But does it really have to effect my right hand and arm? The one I use to click a mouse and to draw with? Universe... sometimes you play unfairly.

My mind is swimming with the passage of time, lack of stability and routine. This week I am on a major music kick, thanks no doubt to my recent weekend recording music and hanging with my friend. I realized there are some major holes in my collection of music paraphernalia and collectibles. There are some Special Edition Cds I don't have and Live DVDs I somehow never got. All gleefully added to my wish lists now, thank goodness. The hunt begins for those.

Today I am on a big Beatles kick, because of the announcement of the SE of Sgt. Peppers... a 50 year old album that signifies a major step up in music creation. The first "prog rock" album, which launched the careers of some of my favorite music. Today marks the 15th anniversary of Layne Staley's death, as well as the 23rd anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death (however that happened). It sucks that mainstream music has been utter shit since they left us. And all we can do is examine the small details and listen to the remastered versions and isolated vocal tracks. Pure genius with all of those musicians. Certainly not repeated like that since. So it goes.

In all of this, I realize that there are some albums I have always neglected to drill down on. Some of the deeper cuts or influences on these bands that I just have neglected to dissect yet. I got the music, but never bothered to scope it out. I made some new playlists, and so I will. That is a new mission I have now taken on... as if I didn't have enough self imposed things to do!

I got asked back to the same comic store I always set up at for Free Comic Book Day. But I'm bowing out because its the same weekend I already scheduled with my kids. That's fine, I don't have anything new to sell anyway. Maybe next year. Maybe never. Who knows where this new Patreon/Kickstarter/porn comics thing will lead me? Can't sell that stuff at a family establishment! Oh well.

I'm sitting here in my tiny apartment, stuffed full of things I love and the things she loves. A bunch of stuff I should be reading or playing or listening to or watching. Stuff I'll hopefully get to enjoy one day. Stuff that will decorate a home I will earn for myself very soon. I'm trying to get to everything and everyone I have had to neglect for one reason or the other.

Duties call.
Time slips by.
Life happens around you.

Some good stuff is coming up. I got a trip planned to go see my dad. Some much needed R&R as well. No agenda. Just... BEING. I can handle that I think.

Also coming up is the Exxxotica. I had to bow out as an exhibitor but I'm excited for the trip to promote Starslam and what I am doing. Maybe see if it would work for me next year.

Other than that, hard work every day. At the day job, at home, and in my thoughts and feelings. Things are better. Things are brighter today. Instead of being sad that heroes and musicians I love are gone, I am grateful to have them at all. I'm especially grateful for the art they left behind. I hope I am that something to someone, someday. I get emails or messages of praise and support of my work and you have no idea how that makes me feel. Like all of it was worth it. Like what I do and the struggle I have internally to get it done is a good fight to have. Keep making it important. Keep it going. I love creating passionately enough that no amount of hand and arm numbness or pain can stop it. No fear of the future or fatigue of the daily grind can pull me down.

I create for you, sure. But mostly and selfishly, I do it for me.

Forgive me for that won't you? But rest assured, I am not about to quit. Not on myself and certainly not you!

The music rolls on.

--T

20 Years Gone - Kurt Cobain

I wanna take a moment outside my usual goings on here at IH headquarters to salute a date that for me still burns. It was 20 years ago today that Kurt Cobain left this world. How, I'll leave to the skeptics and the realists. We don't want to believe he was a coward and could do such a chickenshit thing to leave this world via a suicide. For some of us, he was an "idol." I know, hard to believe me thinking that now, 20 years on. Cause although I considered him, the music, his attire part of me and my life back then, I have moved on to other things. Different bands I love more. New music that reached me even more than Nirvana did. BUT, I never forgot Nirvana. IN UTERO remains in my personal top 10 of all time. I still own and read all the books collecting articles on the band and the man. I still listen to the bootlegs and get excited to read any new snippit of info about Kurt or the band. It just still is very alive in my brain and probably always will be.

When you compare Kurt to what many consider the "greats" like Lennon, Hendrix, etc... he does pale in comparison. Yeah so he wrote some songs that shifted interest into a genre of music from a specific location for a while and he couldn't handle it. And then he turned into being a junkie and then did the stupidist thing a person could do with the gift of life and we were left behind going, "what the fuck?" And we still are searching for answers. All this week, "new photos" from the Cobain suicide scene have been released. Some showing various parts of his body, the suicide note, the heroin box, etc. We're just obsessed with the thing. We don't want to believe that he would do that to us. And believe me, part of me questions it all still. But really its because we don't want to believe someone who made good art couldn't handle this thing called life. So instead of feeling pissed that we aren't getting any more art from him, we obsess over a dream that he was taken from us. I get it. And when I reflect on the music, I'm right there with you. Listening to a Nirvana song now since 1994, there looms a deep shadow. The reminder, that... "oh yeah."

As a teenager I was OBSESSED with the band. For a couple years after 1994, I always took April 5th off and listened to every Nirvana album all the way through. I'd burn incense, sometimes....a joint, and strum along to songs I knew. It was the first time I felt loss as a teen. A sort of generational thing that is hard to describe, but everyone at some point, does feel. Someone they loved in pop culture dies and they get locked in time to that moment. For some today, it was people like Amy Winehouse or the dude from Fast & Furious. Thats why I get it when the kids get crazy over it. Cause I did back in 94. Sometimes I tell the story of my obsession over the band and people will give me shit about it. And it is sort of silly. But in the end, it was for me... no one else.

I missed most of Nirvana due to location. We had moved to southern Illinois in 1991 and I missed "Teen Spirit." In South Illinois, there were no rock stations. None at all. And not MTV. Only VH1. So when I returned in 93, In Utero had just come out and I had missed the most of it. But I discovered In Utero through a friend and became obsessed with that band. My first major band obsession. I don't know what appealed to me about the album. Just the feeling in the music spoke to me at the time. And it still gets to me. For me, it literally is a time machine to listen to that album. I'm 15 again, every time. Throughout the years I collected every bootleg I could of live shows, rare tracks, etc. Then the big box set came out and before it, the great "unreleased song" I kept hearing about. It was called You Know You're Right. I heard it for the first time and I remember the line: "I'll never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good." It hit me hard. And I knew this was the last bit I would ever get. The teenage me was gone for good.

But I was wrong. Recently I was dreaming and I dreamt that they found hidden tapes of demos and acoustic recordings that Kurt had done with the intention of releasing. I heard this song play in my dream and it was called "Always a Stranger." And I swear it sounded real. Like a real Kurt song. Same patterns, same chords together that just made sense. That THAT VOICE.... I woke up and toyed with capturing it via a recording, the chords and verses fresh in my mind still. I entertained the silly idea that perhaps there is a life beyond this life and this was the universe reaching me back for my loyalty and giving me a track of music and I should share it. But I felt silly about it and decided the song should only play in one place: My head. Its my song, as stupid as it seems. But I like the thought of it. Its just a bit more comfort to me in the overall story.

So here it is, 20 years later. I'm older and not angry anymore. I love other bands more. But no matter what/who you move on to, no matter what you do, part of you will never forget your first time. Your first kiss. Your first crush. Your first band that you loved. That song that spoke to you and only you. Other people won't get it, but thats fine, because its not for them. Its for you. And as I reflect on 20 years, it only seems like yesterday. The news is real in my head, as is the music... old and new. And I'll never forget and I'll carry it with me always. Its part of me. Its all of me. All in all is all we are.

BTW, I still have my flannel and sweaters. I don't wear them often, but I still have em.

T

IN UTERO deluxe release coming soon!

They are planning a deluxe 20th Anniversary re-release of Nirvana's IN UTERO!!!! COming this September!!!  This album has been in my top ten personal list since I first heard it. It made me want to pick up a guitar. Soooo excited! I hope it has lots of demos and rare tracks even I haven't heard!

Watch a promo video right HERE

IN UTERO is by far my favorite Nirvana album and I am completely thrilled that its coming out as a deluze box set. I skipped out on getting the Nevermind one, although I do plan to get it at some point. I hope they re-issue all of them like that. I got the 20th Anniversary Bleach one, which isn't a huge box set. Just a two disc package with new photos and a live concert from that era. Still cool. But I hope the In Utero one is very extensive. Demos, rare pics, live dvd and more. Man I'm excited!!! This is a must get!!