Today I baked bread. It was a big moment. I moved into this
apartment on January 16th. I haven’t done any cooking in the last
couple months. I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t felt like myself really
at all. I cranked out the Avengers 2 cards barely. I haven’t even touched the
next set I am on. And I got another card set coming this week I think. I’ve
ceased all production on Starslam and Anna 2, and I am just stalling. I don’t
even know where all my pencils are. I just haven’t felt the drive to draw
anything at all. While I got a TO DO list a mile long, I just sit and stall. I
don’t know why.
Lately I am on autopilot. I get about 3-5 hours of sleep a
night. I work one job. Come home and attempt a nap but end up just tossing and
turning. Apply for higher paying jobs that don’t call back. Then I get up and
head to the other job. Since its overnights also, that fucks with my patterns.
I have no TV so I can’t keep up with any of my shows. Better Call Saul and
Walking Dead are on and I can’t watch them except for illegal streaming sites.
There’s not much NEW that I’ve dissected. However I did get the newest Marilyn
Manson album, which is surprisingly good.
The death of my second mother is like a gaping wound right
now. I have plenty of other wounds around it too. Some are healing. But this
one is fresh. It cuts deep. It taps into things I wasn’t ready to think about
again. I work alone at the gas station and late at night when I am done
listening to Cds, I sit and think. Or talk aloud to myself. Maybe its me going
crazy. Quite possibly. I can do crazy. I’m good at it! I think about all that I
use to distract myself from actually getting down to business. Like the
internet. I surf Facebook and I just sit and waste time. Precious time I could
be using to get my shit done. But the drive just simply hasn’t been there. I
feel tired all the time. I feel weak.
This week is Valentine’s Day. Everyone is coming into my
store buying cards, presents, balloons, etc. I smile back most of the time.
Wow, look at them being happy in love. I am happy for them. That’s genuine. But
then a goddamn song comes on the speakers and it makes me sad. Stephen Bishop’s
“It Might Be You.” The song from TOOTSIE. It only took one line. One simple
fucking line. “Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me…” UGH. But
I’m not even going to get into that. But then the questions come. “You got big
plans for Valentine’s Day?” It’s meaningless chatter to make with your friendly
neighborhood cashier. But they don’t know they just helped twist the knife just
a bit more as it hangs there. Deflect it with a joke. That’s easier. Hide it.
Hide myself. Don’t let them see you bite your lip again. I bite this part of my
lip when I start to feel the sudden sting of possible tears. It’s sore as hell.
I put forth Internet silence as a punishment for myself to
tell me to get the fuck back in the game and get back to work. I got artwork
that needs to be done. Artwork has always been there for me. As a kid, I dealt
with bullies by drawing. When my mom died, I put her story in my comics. The
list of examples goes on and on. It’s just how I deal with things. I’ve wrote a
new book. A mini-book that I want to do on the side.
I’m still raw. I’ve been beat to death the last year. How I
am still in one piece, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s keeping me standing
here. But I am. And as I have recently told myself in a dark time not long ago:
“I’m not done yet.”
So today, I dusted off the stove and used it for the first
time. I made banana bread. I don’t even have all the proper utensils or a
mixing bowl. I had to use what little I have to mix it all together. But I
baked it. Later after cooling I tasted it. Delicious! Still tastes the same as
if I cooked it six months ago. It tastes like I made it. I’m still me. I’m
going out and meeting new people and having new experiences. I’ve had some deep,
deep talks recently with friends. Its helped me reconnect and make me realize
that no matter what, I’m still me. And I still can draw. And I still bake
bread. And nothing has changed me. The core me. The bread tastes the same. The
artwork will still come. I just need to get going.
I’ve got many adventures left to go on. Time for me to get
back in the saddle and get to work.
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