Last Post of 2015

Hello friends! Its time to do a big recap and wrap-up of what was the year 2015. The year Marty McFly came to the future and we didn't have any fucking flying cars or Jaws 19. But we got a new Star Wars flick! I thought I'd do a run down of the best of the year and give my final thoughts on what happened this year.

Best Albums:
Faith No More, Scott Weiland, Kurt Cobain, David Gilmour, Neal Morse Band, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Marilyn Manson, Winery Dogs, and GHOST! All of these were in constant spin or stream in some form. Great year for music.

Best Movies:
Avengers 2, Creed, Star Wars 7 but the best by far was MAD MAX: FURY ROAD.

Best in TV:
South Park, Walking Dead, Eric Andre show, Evil Dead. Some other shows I have yet to catch up on.

Sad events/Saying Goodbye to:
Scott Weiland, Leonard Nimoy, Our political saneness (TRUMP), multiple shootings, Terrorism in Paris and the loss of my step-mother, Gloria.

RECAP:

In January, I seperated from my ex-wife and moved into my own place in East Lansing. I worked at Meijer as a cashier and overnight as a gas station clerk. I struggled financially and with time to see my kids. I was also nursing my broken heart and dealing with the death of my step-mom. I went to MSU COMICS FORUM in February and that night had my first date with Misty. She took a shine to me so we continued our relationship. She really has been a stable point in my life and has opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself that still haven't quite sunk in, but I need to hear. I attended Free Comic Book Day at Summit, Cap City Con in Lansing. Also GRASP EXPO in Grand Rapids. In April I got my new car: The Bat Blazer! (Who at the time I write this, his poor battery died! Gotta replace that today) In May I left Mejier (thank Christ) and started at Cap City Reprographics in old town Lansing. In June I went with Mjit and Dean to see RUSH on their final tour. Then I went to see MOTORHEAD and ANTHRAX with CROBOT with Robert. In September I traded Cap City and the Gas Station for a brand new graphic design job and I have been very happy there ever since. In October I was a guest at the GRAND RAPIDS COMIC CON. I also participated in a Halloween Event called MONSTER BASH, and also had a costume party at my house. In November I saw KING DIAMOND with EXODUS in Detroit and went to the Chicago DAYS OF THE DEAD Convention. In December I became a full staff member of my new job and had a great Christmas with my new friends and family.

During this year, I had tons of positive and negative things happen to me. It certainly was the hardest year I have ever went through for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I was on such a deep sense of autopilot, I don't know how I survived. But for as many bad things happened, I had greatness happen as well. It has been a year of healing and soul searching. Refining. Deciding. Rebuilding. Defining. And much of the work is still in progress.

GOALS FOR 2016:
WORK ON MYSELF - Health. Therapy. And other aspects.
FINISH PROJECTS AS I CHOOSE - Starslam 2. And whatever else I feel up to finishing. We'll see.
SAVE SAVE SAVE! My oldest starts college soon. Gotta get ready!
TRAVEL - I got plans to go to a couple new locations this year. Its gonna be a year where I branch out further than I have previous.
LEARN TO RELAX - Stress is literally killing me. I have not taken care of myself this year with working my ass off, lack of sleep, knee problems, foot injury and ulcers. Stress is a major factor in my life and I need to learn to calm down. I am going to the gym and therapy. I am reading more books and taking time out to enjoy dumb things like movies. Its necessary for me to do these things or else I will not be around much longer. I have been in emergency mode all year and its time for me to slow down.

The one thing I learned the most this year is that there is no law forcing you to remain the victim of the past. If you fucked up, or shit got fucked up, you can crawl out. It will take time and all you can rely on is yourself. But your survival instincts take over and you come out. It shows you how strong you are. And it does indeed, get better. So much better.

These are trying times. And I see a lot of my friends unhappy or suffering for one reason or another. It saddens me greatly. Them and to you, I say this:

There comes a time in your life when its time to say "Fuck it. I just don't care anymore, and can't believe I ever did." Its such a liberating thing to achieve that mind-change. It serves us well to get rid of things or feelings that do not serve you. Places, people, items, habits, friendships or relationships. All of these things can be toxic. And we must learn to stop the fight for ourselves. That is called self respect to not put up with bullshit anymore. Walk on. Let it go. Leave it behind. Its all old tired baggage. Stop carrying it. The clothes inside don't fit anymore anyway. All of us here have something we need to let go of. And its just that simple.

Let it go.

Lets make 2016 all about that fresh start. Here's to a happier 2016.

Cheers, T

In Constant Motion

Hey friends. Been crazy but I finally have a couple days off to myself. Scratching things off my TO DO list and yippie!! Yesterday I spent some more time with my kids. Brought them here to my house and they seemed to have a good time:

Scotty was happy to be back on his old computer again.

Lil' James is OBSESSED with brooms and vaccuums. So I let him play with my vaccuum all day.

It was great to hang with them. I wish I had more time to do so but between two jobs, I get like 4-5 hours of sleep and on my two days off from one job, I spend one with them and a few hours with my girlfriend or other friends. I keep applying for higher paying jobs so I can get a sense of normalcy in my life. Lets hope something comes along to where I can achieve that!

The diet is so-so. I haven't gained any weight but I have fell off the work out bandwagon after my foot accident. I need to get back into the saddle. I'm back to drinking caffiene too to keep me awake on those over night shifts. It sucks! But I'm dealing. Every now and then I'll treat myself to something new, like some hats! 

I've always wanted to be a hat guy, and now I am. Thanks!

I also got a couple new albums. The new Marilyn Manson disc is SWEET! But I got the new Scott Weiland CD yesterday and holy bacon bits is it awesome. Its a consistant rocker all the way through. Check it out. Please! I hit GOLDEN HARVEST for breakfast again yesterday and my god.... HOLY SHIT are they awesome! Please check them out if you are in the Lansing, MI area. Best breakfast I've ever had. Literally. Worth the 45 minute wait outside. I'd go there daily if I could. I mean it. Check it out!! Turner St. in old town Lansing.

On the art front, I got assigned to two new card sets and I am still plugging away on STARSLAM 2 pages. I'm about 30 pages in now. Hoping to get some major pencils done this weekend. Wish me luck on that! I want to get this book in the can by the fall so I can Kickstart it and its gonna pay for my 2016 convention plans. New table, new books, new layout, everything! I'm also saving $ for a much needed vacation in May. Planning on going to Chicago to sightsee, see the art museum, aquarium, the High Fidelity filming locations and more. Really looking forward to it. I need a relaxing vacation after this last year! Much deserved, I say!

With all that, I don't want to bring the blog down, but I will say things in the news has really troubled me as of late. There's some fucked up laws being passed in Indiana and Arkansas and they are toying in Michigan with doing the same thing. How descrimination and prejudice gets lawful protection in this world is absolutely beyond me and we must rise up to stop it. So write to your congress representative. Get loud. Go out and protest. Go out and vote. Doing online fighting in Facebook feeds does nothing for it. Go where your voice will be heard. Vote these idiots out of office and demand a fair world. Also, be mindful of what the big corporations are doing to our food. The crap they put into our stuff to keep us sick, fat and dying is incredible. Watch the documentaries, eat healthier and wake up to what they are doing to us. It sounds like hippie bullshit, but I assure its not. Get loud, Get foolish and make your voice heard. Not just for us, but for our children too. Make sure they inherit a world that is good and just. They deserve better than living with our stupid mistakes.

(Off Soapbox)

Anyway folks, BUSY! Thats a good thing. Shit is lining up and getting done. My slate is starting to clear off slowly and I'm digging out of the pile. The little things to the big things. Its something we all strive to do. But its going well for me. Big and fun things are coming and I am beyond excited about it. I've got a smile on my face and great clarity like I've never had before. Things are going well. Base point: I'm happy. And thats a damn good thing.

So off I go into the world. Have a good week/weekend. I'll see you next time and I'll share some of my STARSLAM 2 progress!

Cheers, T

It Gets Better

"It Gets Better."

One simple phrase. I've heard it a lot over the last few months. Its a blanket statement that applies to everything in my life lately. I've had many discussions with friends, strangers, collegues about things they've went through. Any hurt they've had to process. Any change they've dealt with in their lives. Strangers open up to each other and tell things they wouldn't tell their best friends. Its a unique exchange that I am enjoying. But inevitably, no matter what their struggle is, no matter what we talk about that they had to overcome, it all comes down to one phrase... one they say themselves. One that I keep getting drilled into my head over and over.

"It Gets Better."

A few months ago, I never would have believed that. I was in my lowest point. I was a completely different person almost. I was ready to check out. Turn in my chips. Tap out. I'm done. I've got no more left. But I didn't. You've read that blog. Its an old story that I'm tired of re-telling, frankly. Because its just so foreign a concept to ponder for someone like me. Its not in my nature to give up. I don't quit. I stay in there until I am finished. I don't slam the phone down. I don't walk away in a huff. I say what I need to say and do what I gotta do. Cause if you stay in there and do what you gotta do, learn what you gotta learn, take the necessary steps.. guess what?

"It Gets Better."

Somewhere along the line I got bored of reliving it all. I got tired of rehashing what I felt. It certainly isn't over for me. It will take more time than has already passed. But I can safely say that it does indeed, get better. Whatever "IT" is. Things. Your World. This Life. Whatever you want to change, you can make it happen. I love a good success story. I love stories of people beating impossible odds and finding a new life for themselves. Finding happiness on the other side. We all strive to be the hero of our story. Our lives unfold like a movie. You are the star of it. How do you want the movie to end? I prefer happy endings to tragic ones, myself.

I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I'm 37 years old. Single. I work three jobs. I'm a gas station clerk, a front line cashier at a grocery store and an artist. There's a tiny voice inside of me that says I should be ashamed that I work at these places. Like I should be farther along than that. I should have an upscale job that demands more respect. But you know what? I like my jobs. I really do. At the cashier place I interact with hundreds of people a day. I crack jokes, I let my personality shine. I run around taking care of business and I fucking enjoy it. And apparently I'm good at it. I am fast and my rates that are tracked are high for a newbie. I'm proud of that. I mess up sometimes, but I am learning the gig. I enjoy it. Its a long drive and sorta out of my way. Only 20-25 hours a week, but I enjoy it. The other job is overnights and I deal with drunkards, young silly kids who should piss me off. But they don't. I am happy to chat with them and make them happy. Over the cold few weeks they come in and we bond. I had a guy push me out of the snow here at my apartment complex a couple weeks ago when we got 15" of snow. He comes up with his girlfriend and chats with me for hours there. I sit and listen to cds and do extra cleaning. I come home, get about 4-6 hours of sleep and start it all over again. Any day off I have is either to recoop from sleep, clean the house or go out with friends. I go see my kids too. Its a mish-mash of a rhythm but it seems to work. I barely pull enough in to pay my bills, so I cannot keep this up forever. Something will have to increase in hours or pay. But I am not worried about it. It will come. I trust in the winds to show me the way.

I've been meeting new people. I talk with a few, everyday. GREAT people too! I've made connections with some of them. I go out and hang out or go out on a date or two. It just makes me feel so happy and alive. I have nothing holding me back, even myself. I come home to a cold, empty apartment and I don't fear it. I don't sit and wallow in pity or act like I'm some great victim of what life handed me. I used to. But not anymore. I'm healing. I'm... "Getting better."

But one element has been missing. Sorely missing. A major element too. I'd come home with a few hours to myself and say "tonights the night!" and I don't do it. Or I bring it to work to do it during my downtime.. and it doesn't happen. I just haven't been able to start. I'm speaking of course about drawing. The one element of my life that has been a constant since I was a child. The thing that healed me through many changing seasons of my life. I saw the pencil lying there and I just couldn't pick it up. Maybe I feared that I was no good anymore. I'm not sure why I haven't felt the motivation to do it. But this week, I did. I grabbed out some of the Starslam books for Kickstarter and started my sketches. this week, I drew 11 of them. I also wrote out some changes to a script I will work on one day. I started sketches for a STARSLAM pinup I am doing for my loyal Kickstarter supporters. And the poses are better than anything I coulda done a few months ago. I'm starting to feel the explosion of my art once again. Its an amazing feeling! I'm getting inspired. I just want to go outside, run through nature and enjoy the sun on my face. Unfortunately, its cold as shit out and I haven't seen the sun in a month! But it will come back. The snow and ice will melt and I can do those things. Patience. The weather will get better too.

I gotta thank my art brother Jay Fosgitt for lighting my fire a bit this week. He got my head back in the game. And my other pal Jay Durden for making the same suggestion and I missed it. Its for them I stepped up to the plate, dug out some old art of mine to put on the challege and I realized that I had good stuff. I began to miss it. I hadn't looked at that stuff in a while. So I wanted to see if I could make more. So I started to. Sometimes you just need a spark or a push out the door to get you going. Thanks guys. 

Nothing I have gone through is making me who I am today. It certainly has happened and I weathered (or am weathering) it. But slowly, everything is becoming an equasion. Simple math. I have total freedom to decide who and what I want. I remember a scene from Adrian Tomine's OPTIC NERVE comic. A girl drives to a new town for a new start. She gets there and is sitting in her car. And she stops and says, "I can be whoever I want to be when I step out of this car." And thats so true for all of us. We can chose to be the person we want to be right now. Today. This moment. This can be the moment in the movie where we rise to the conflict and the montage music starts. We start striving to get better and beat our demons... who or whatever they are. And we'll come out the other side and know one thing..... "it got better!"

I was reading my friend Joe Peacock's BLOG today and he said something that really struck me. He said "its not going to define you. It allows you to define yourself." And thats what I am doing. I am embracing who and what I want in life. I don't settle. I don't let my two part time jobs that others would deem "beneath" them to define me as a person. I'm enjoying the ride I'm on. I don't get scared to take a chance or say what I want to say. If I want to stop a girl and say she's got a great shirt on or nice nails or hairstyle, I'm gonna do that. If I wanna ask a dude where he got his shoes, I will. If I want to ask one of my favorite artists or writers for a critique, I will. Because I can. The fear is gone. The hurt is gone. The anger rises sometimes, but it soon does dissipate into nothingness, just as swiftly as it came. 

So.. basically...  No matter what you are going through. No matter how high you have to climb the mountain before you. No matter what asshole says you can't, but you know you can and WILL... It Gets Better.

Much love to you all!

T

PS - BTW, I am now almost 60 pounds in weight loss. Still going! 

Baking Bread

(Note: I am still on some self-imposed Internet break so I can get shit done. But I will post a blog now and then. So here's one. Enjoy.)

Today I baked bread. It was a big moment. I moved into this apartment on January 16^th. I haven’t done any cooking in the last couple months. I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t felt like myself really at all. I cranked out the Avengers 2 cards barely. I haven’t even touched the next set I am on. And I got another card set coming this week I think. I’ve ceased all production on Starslam and Anna 2, and I am just stalling. I don’t even know where all my pencils are. I just haven’t felt the drive to draw anything at all. While I got a TO DO list a mile long, I just sit and stall. I don’t know why.

Lately I am on autopilot. I get about 3-5 hours of sleep a night. I work one job. Come home and attempt a nap but end up just tossing and turning. Apply for higher paying jobs that don’t call back. Then I get up and head to the other job. Since its overnights also, that fucks with my patterns. I have no TV so I can’t keep up with any of my shows. Better Call Saul and Walking Dead are on and I can’t watch them except for illegal streaming sites. There’s not much NEW that I’ve dissected. However I did get the newest Marilyn Manson album, which is surprisingly good.

The death of my second mother is like a gaping wound right now. I have plenty of other wounds around it too. Some are healing. But this one is fresh. It cuts deep. It taps into things I wasn’t ready to think about again. I work alone at the gas station and late at night when I am done listening to Cds, I sit and think. Or talk aloud to myself. Maybe its me going crazy. Quite possibly. I can do crazy. I’m good at it! I think about all that I use to distract myself from actually getting down to business. Like the internet. I surf Facebook and I just sit and waste time. Precious time I could be using to get my shit done. But the drive just simply hasn’t been there. I feel tired all the time. I feel weak.

This week is Valentine’s Day. Everyone is coming into my store buying cards, presents, balloons, etc. I smile back most of the time. Wow, look at them being happy in love. I am happy for them. That’s genuine. But then a goddamn song comes on the speakers and it makes me sad. Stephen Bishop’s “It Might Be You.” The song from TOOTSIE. It only took one line. One simple fucking line. “Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me…” UGH. But I’m not even going to get into that. But then the questions come. “You got big plans for Valentine’s Day?” It’s meaningless chatter to make with your friendly neighborhood cashier. But they don’t know they just helped twist the knife just a bit more as it hangs there. Deflect it with a joke. That’s easier. Hide it. Hide myself. Don’t let them see you bite your lip again. I bite this part of my lip when I start to feel the sudden sting of possible tears. It’s sore as hell.

I put forth Internet silence as a punishment for myself to tell me to get the fuck back in the game and get back to work. I got artwork that needs to be done. Artwork has always been there for me. As a kid, I dealt with bullies by drawing. When my mom died, I put her story in my comics. The list of examples goes on and on. It’s just how I deal with things. I’ve wrote a new book. A mini-book that I want to do on the side.

I’m still raw. I’ve been beat to death the last year. How I am still in one piece, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s keeping me standing here. But I am. And as I have recently told myself in a dark time not long ago: “I’m not done yet.”

So today, I dusted off the stove and used it for the first time. I made banana bread. I don’t even have all the proper utensils or a mixing bowl. I had to use what little I have to mix it all together. But I baked it. Later after cooling I tasted it. Delicious! Still tastes the same as if I cooked it six months ago. It tastes like I made it. I’m still me. I’m going out and meeting new people and having new experiences. I’ve had some deep, deep talks recently with friends. Its helped me reconnect and make me realize that no matter what, I’m still me. And I still can draw. And I still bake bread. And nothing has changed me. The core me. The bread tastes the same. The artwork will still come. I just need to get going.

I’ve got many adventures left to go on. Time for me to get back in the saddle and get to work.

37... In a Row??

Welcome my friends!

Today I turn 37 years old. 37? In a row? (old CLERKS joke for those of my generation) And in my 37 years on this planet I wish I had some profound wisdom to share with you. I don't. I just am roughing the mileage and keep on driving forward. Its all you can do sometimes.

But today I celebrate not only the passing of another year of my life, my parents for their love and support, my dear mother and her giving birth to me on this day 37 years ago, but I celebrate my life. Some of you know 2014 wasn't the greatest year in my personal life. In fact, it all came crashing down little by little until I came out the other side living a completely different life.

 Change is hard and sometimes life throws you challenges that you just don't think you can deal with. I found myself against the highest wall of challenges I've ever had to face. Maybe ever will have to face. I am not sure yet. But it was scary and I just couldn't handle it. My depression and feelings got so dire that I considered offing myself at one point. I'm ashamed to say it now, but its true. I went into a drugstore and bought a bottle of pills. I had planned to crush up the pills, add it to a drink and swallow it whole. I had no idea if it would work or not. I am not the best planner of things that cause suffering to myself, but I had heard that it would do the trick. I remember a night back in December where I just sat with the bottle of pills and stared at them for at least 5 minutes. I didn't think about anything or anyone. I just sat there. Staring at them. My ticket away from all of this. I didn't think about my dad and what this would do to him. Or my kids, or any of my friends. I just wanted to do something selfish and a final statement. Sometimes, life just tosses you too much. I felt completely justified.

I was at a point to where my entire world as I had known it had come crashing down. Everything I had believed and built up to be true was gone. I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to be anything anymore. I didn't know what I could do. I felt just "in the way." I almost felt like I HAD to do it. It just made the most logical sense. Cause what else could I have left in the tank? How can I beat all of this that now faced me? As the song "Wither" by Dream Theater says: "I drown in hesitation, my words come crashing down. And all my best creations, burning to the ground. The thought of starting over leaves me paralyzed. Tear it out again, another one that got away." I just didn't think I could face it. My anger, my confusion, my bitterness and my sorrow all surrounded me. I just had to do this. It made the most sense.

I sat there in the middle of another sleepless night. Alone. Ready to do this great harm to myself and everyone I ever cared about. But then it happened.... Two things popped into my head. Two simple phrases. I'm not sure where they came from, but they arrived swiftly. Like they were whispered into my ear from a distant voice far away. It said two simple things:

"The world needs people like you." and "You're not done yet."

That little voice helped me realize a truth that I needed to hear. I've been accused of being "too nice" a guy sometimes. I let people walk all over me and I open myself up too greatly. It allows a lot of potential for trust and for people to hurt me. I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone. Even a complete stranger. Its not in my nature to want to hurt anyone. I'm not a good liar. I just can't hurt people. I get scared that I will. I have anxiety that I'll create another situation where I bothered someone and I'll beat myself up for it every day. But in the end, that ain't a bad way to be. The world does need more people like that.

And "you're not done yet." It made me think about all I wanted to still do. The stories I wanted to write and draw. I wanted to make more music. I wanted to travel and see places I've never seen. I want to see my kids grow up and become men. Maybe I can be a good influence in their lives instead of giving them horrible memories and sorrow with this stupid, selfish act I was wanting to do. Again, I'd be hurting someone besides myself. But I also thought about the fact that doors are closed sometimes, but another one always opens. And thats where you are meant to go.

What happened in my life last year wasn't done maliciously. Its all just some of those things that happens in life sometimes. Its just a pity I wasn't on the same page with some of it. But it happens. I am not angry or bitter about it. I accept it now. I took all the gut punches and stood right back up. Millions of people have gone through some of this and even worse. In many ways, I am very lucky that it is panning out as smoothly as it has so far. I still have good days and bad, but its getting easier. The smoke is clearing and clarity is booming brightly. And like I said here on this blog before, I'm grateful now for all that life has thrown at me. Because its shown me how strong I am. Today's pain is tomorrow's strength. Everyone has suffering or a pain they have to endure. And sure, mine is a big motherfucker. But I am facing it. And I'm still fucking standing.

I took that bottle of pills and threw it away before I moved. Its gone, along with all the dark thoughts that accompanied it. I'm now in a one bedroom apartment. Alone, for the first time. Sometimes it sucks. Other times, its kind of nice. I've now got freedom I've never had before. I am opening myself up to parts of myself I've kept closed and quiet for too long. I'm deciding new things about Adam 3.0. One big question at the start of this is: WHO AM I NOW? I find that I am still me. I still hang my Cds, vinyl, posters and some toys proudly. I've still got a pencil and micron pen in my hand. I still blog and podcast. I still jam to music I love and thirst for more music I have yet to discover. I keep searching Google Earth for places I want to go to one day. I've re-discovered my zeal for the work-week. I scored two almost full time jobs in an effort to pay my bills and start to save money. To build a whole new life. A better one. Because I am a better person now and I deserve it.

I don't share all of this dark knowledge with you to get attention or to have a great story to tell. I tell it because #1-I'm always an honest dude and #2-Every journey has darkness and light and it would be selfish for me not to share what I learned from my darkness. And as the great Stanley Kubrick said: "However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." I've done that and I've come out the other side, wanting to share the concept that no matter how shit goes down in our lives, and we're given more than we think we can bare, we can still keep standing. I have not had any more dark thoughts since that night a month ago. Instead its been slowly getting brighter. I am not scared of myself or whats around me anymore. And throughout all of this, I've seen so many people stand up and reach out to me, grabbing me to make sure I don't fall. I've seen who truly cares for me. Its shown me that I've worked hard all my life to be a decent dude and with that came this group of great friends that will always be there for me. I cannot express enough what that means for me.

Today I am getting over a sore throat and a bit of a cold. But I'm up now and I am gonna finish hanging some posters in my new home. Tonight, some friends of mine are coming over. They are travelling from all over the state to come see little old me. I'm gonna drink a bit, listen to some of my favorite music, swap stories, play games, whatever. But most importantly? I'll be alive. I'm living again.

That's all I'll ever need.

Here's to another 37 years of a great life!

--T

p.s. I realized that most likely, today is the first birthday in a loooong time where I won't get any sort of naughty birthday sex. Its a bummer. But I am sure I will treat myself to a special birthday toss off! 

New Home - I'm Back!!!

HELLO HELLO HELLO!

I'm reporting to you from my new house. My new one bedroom apartment. My new life. I finally got internet up and running and I am slowly trying to put everything into place. I unpacked some boxes the last couple days and I still got TONS more to get through. But I am hoping by the end of next week I'll be fully set up and ready to rock. I have already started my two jobs. One is a gas station, the other is Meijer. I go to Meijer later today in fact. So life is cruising as best it can. I'm thankful for that.

I am also greatly thankful for everyone's continued emails, calls and messages of support for me during this crazy period in my life. They have all meant the world to me. Its really kept my head above water when I was at my lowest points. And I've hit some extreme up and downs in the last couple months. Hell, all of 2014 really! But hey, its a new year and I'm slowly coming back to life. I hit the gym yesterday for the first time in a month and today I feel great! The weight loss continues! Its a new life and its exciting to see how its unfolding. I'm busy trying to get myself right and not live in my past. All I can control is me, the present and what is to come. I'm happy with how things are coming together. But I am extremely happy and grateful for the support of my friends, fans and family. They've all been there for me and I will never forget it. The light at the end of my tunnel is you guys!

I don't have much to report at current. I'm going to continue to open boxes, put stuff in their new place and finally get cracking on getting these STARSLAM books out the door. And I also have a card set to get crusing on. Deadline is fast approaching! I am still open for commission work if you want to EMAIL ME HERE and say what you want. We'll work it out. I'm anxious to start putting pencil to paper again. Very soon. For now I gotta get my shit unpacked and clean up around here. It looks like a bomb went off. Didn't realize I had so many books, CDs and things! Hopefully the tax return comes soon so I can get more furniture. I don't even have  TV! Kinda nice though. Its quiet without one. I am enjoying it. But I miss football! :(

Anyway folks, just wanted to check in and let you know that I am still here and I will be showing you new stuff before you know it. I'm anxious to get back to myself and its on its way! Thanks for being in my corner. Lets get ready for the bell and come out swinging!

Cheers, T

2014 Year end Wrap-up

Hey everyone! Long time no talk. I've been busy with a ton of stuff both professional and personal. I've tried to craft you folks a decent blog for a while now, but I just got nothing much to say about anything current right now. But its close to year end and I always do a year end BEST OF, WORST OF list to wrap things up. To be honest, I haven't dissected too many new things that have come in the world this last year. I've just tried to keep myself glued together. 2014 came out swinging from the ring of the first bell in January. I started out the year optimistic for the future, but immediately was dealt several blows in my personal and professional life. It got dark for me folks. As dark as it can get. Its like the universe sent me a year of hell to wake me up and reboot my life. I could sit and re-list everything that went wrong and play the victim. I could do a "woe is me" act for you all. But honestly, I don't feel like doing that. Because I'm not sad. I'm not angry anymore.

In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for everything that happened to me this year, especially the bad things. And it was a lot. Perhaps even, the worst possible things I've ever had to endure. Both my personal and professional lives came crashing down and the universe pushed me into the dirt and tried to keep me there. I was almost done for. To be honest with you folks, sometimes things got so bad, I considered that the pain was so great, I often thought about checking out. It was a foolish, passing thought. I never would have done it. But when you get knocked to your absolute bottom, you consider all options. We've all been there, I'm sure.

What I found at the end of the tunnel was extreme light. Extreme clarity. I knew the universe had sent me a message. I needed the worst to happen. I needed to reboot my life. I have been dormant for far too long. I took for granted things that should have been more of a priority in my life. I skated by on the bare minimum and made excuse after excuse. Honestly, its no way to live a life. And I want more out of my time here on this Earth.

Recently I've been reading a lot of self help books. Stuff to help me through some key incidents. And some to help me do a great mental sweep of the vast amount of cobwebs in my head. It was dark and dusty up there. But still completely fixable. Over the past few months, I have slowly began to change. My priorities shifted. My goals changed. I focused on my new ideas and was rewarded. I got great success on Kickstarter with Starslam. I got back into Star Wars and Marvel cards. I wrote new and exciting stories that I will one day work on. I spent time with my family and realized that I need to spend time with myself. Sometime this next week, I am seeking full time employment and I will continue my journey into the next phase. I'm not just skating by any longer. No more check to check living. I am building the dream home I've always wanted. I'm building the life I've always wanted. I am becoming the person I've always wanted to be.

Most impressively, I've slayed the demon that has plagued me all my life. I've dropped 48 pounds. I'm almost below 300 pounds for the first time in well over a decade. I'm thinner, lighter and I have more energy and clarity than I've had in god knows how long. I'm discovering a new me and it feels amazing. I have extreme clarity. I know who I am and what I want. and I don't care about the little arguments anymore. I don't care about those who bark or throw mud at me. I'm walking on, head high and confident.

There's a popular saying, "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." I can attest to that statement as being 100% accurate. I fell like I've just went through the worst year of my life. And I am not wallowing in self pity or anger. I'm grateful. I've been awakened to the clarity I've always sought all my life. I know who I am and what I have to do. Some might think I'm crazy for some of my upcoming changes and choices. But its my life and its what I want. I have to live for me and make myself happy. And I am. Finally for perhaps the first time in my life, I know how that is done.

For those looking for 2014 best of plugs, I will say I enjoyed the new Ace Frehley, U2 and Pink Floyd albums. I also loved Marc Maron and Amanda Palmer's new books. I haven't seen many new movies but Guardians of the Galaxy was great. I still have yet to see the last Hobbit movie, but I will. On the TV front, I enjoyed The Walking Dead, The Eric Andre Show and a few others. I don't have a list of the WORST events, because I don't care to list them. I don't care to dwell in them. I am just taking what happened, screaming back at the universe. Here is what I say:

"Is this all you got? Come at me! You can't kill me. You can't take me down. I'm still standing here."

There still is much more work for me to do. Mentally, physically, personally and professionally. I've evolving to the next phase. The better me. And I'm doing it for ME, no one else. I answer only to myself. I look forward to all that 2015 has to offer me. I'm looking forward to the next phase and getting the life I've always wanted. At the end of 2015, I am going to be completely different than I am now. I will be thinner, happier and at peace. Plus I am looking forward to flying cars, the Cubs winning the world series against Miami, and Hoverboards. Right? It better happen!!

I hope you folks had a good Holiday season and be safe for the New Year. I'm going to check out for a while now. I have a card set to finish, we're also packing up and moving into a new house in the middle of January, so I might be offline for a while. But I will be back with new stuff to show and talk about, very soon. And to those waiting on STARSLAM books, I expect them print the printer this next week and I will be slowly mailing them out. Please bare with me as I'm juggling a lot with the move and other things, but I am going to get all the books out as soon as I get them. Thanks for your continued love and support and please keep checking back here on me. 2015 is going to be a great fucking year for us all.

Onward and upward!

ADAM T.

Kickin' Ass and Chewing Bubblegum

...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

This month or so, I settled into a nice groove of daily work. I work in the morning after Scotty gets on the bus, then during James' naptime and then at night when the kids are asleep. Maybe a total of 8 hour work days at home. Feels extremely good to be back into a nice pattern of work. I've got so much done in the last couple weeks. Starslam pages are almost fully colored and ready to do word balloons. I finished coloring and resizing my con prints (new and some old), I started drawing a new pinup book for con season 2015 and I designed a new table layout. Also I am busy on a major card set for one of the big companies. I signed two contracts to do two more, so now I am on a total of FIVE card sets throughout the winter. I am going to be busy as fukkkkk.

I cannot tell you how good it feels to be in this groove. Over the summer as you well know, I was majorly derailed by depression, health and stress of everything around me. So much so, I wasn't even finding joy in doing artwork or anything creative anymore. I got to a very low and dark place. But I recognized this and got off the speed train for a bit to regroup. I wanted to see what it all meant for me now. Luckily, the feelings I was having dissolved and on the other side of the thinning fog in my brain I found that I still had the will and know-how to work again. I simply just lost my zeal for it all. I think what zapped me back into reality was writing a new PLEASANT LIFE script. I knew that I was going to do another book, but I need to clear the path to get to it. So one by one I started chipping away at the frozen ice wall of work I have to get done to get there. I am still a ways away, but I will get there. And as I drill down, I will release new stuff that I am just as excited about. Starslam (finally), Anna 2 (FINALLY), Card Sets, Pinup book and a few other things. And somewhere in there will be my porn store autobiography thingie.

Its not a struggle to sit down and get work done anymore. In fact, I look forward to it. Maybe I feel so great cause my health is coming back into order. I am down 35 pounds. I'm off soda completely for months now. I've even dropped caffeine. I went to a doctor and got a checkup (long overdue). My stats looks great. The dizziness I was experiencing has stopped. Maybe a side effect of dropping caffeine or something else, I have no idea. But glad its gone and I feel normal again. I'm just in a real good place and riding the wave again.

I put my notice in at my night job earlier this week. I don't really need the job anymore now that the wife makes more money at her new position and company. Also my freelance work is picking up. The job itself is fine, but adjusting my sleep and sleeping my days off away really sucks. The wife and I have barely seen each other and when I am dog tired, I am angry and snapping at everything and everyone. Not good. Throws my system out of whack. Also, some of the people I deal with are not a good or positive thing to be around. A lot of negativity sometimes. Not as seedy as some other jobs I've had, but just annoyingly angry and bitchy all the time. I have to cut off things that do not serve me. I thought tonight would be my last night but the new person they hired quit abruptly and now I am sort of stuck actually finishing out my two weeks, depending on wife's schedule.  So it goes, but I'll get through it. And when I do, full speed ahead on my REAL JOB!

What I've got coming up in the near future is the launch of the STARSLAM Kickstarter. Its likely the last Kickstarter I'll do for a while as I want to focus on some other funding sources and ideas. then I will have a local signing here in Lansing that we are working the details out on. Other than that, its just getting stuff done and paying off bills. Then saving money for 2015 convention travels. I really want to get back out on the road again. I miss it. I need to get out there again. But I want to bring a ton of shit to show with me. I'll show you all how busy I've been.

Very soon...

In other news, during my downtime I have been enjoying The Munsters on Netflix. I am really in love with that series. Also I got Marc Maron's book "Attempting Normal," which I am enjoying. I'm about halfway through it. Then I got Sean Yseult's White Zombie book next. All great shit!

Anyway folks, no worries. I'm in a good place now and back in the groove. Now go forth and kick some ass of your own! 

Luvs, T