It Gets Better

"It Gets Better."

One simple phrase. I've heard it a lot over the last few months. Its a blanket statement that applies to everything in my life lately. I've had many discussions with friends, strangers, collegues about things they've went through. Any hurt they've had to process. Any change they've dealt with in their lives. Strangers open up to each other and tell things they wouldn't tell their best friends. Its a unique exchange that I am enjoying. But inevitably, no matter what their struggle is, no matter what we talk about that they had to overcome, it all comes down to one phrase... one they say themselves. One that I keep getting drilled into my head over and over.

"It Gets Better."

A few months ago, I never would have believed that. I was in my lowest point. I was a completely different person almost. I was ready to check out. Turn in my chips. Tap out. I'm done. I've got no more left. But I didn't. You've read that blog. Its an old story that I'm tired of re-telling, frankly. Because its just so foreign a concept to ponder for someone like me. Its not in my nature to give up. I don't quit. I stay in there until I am finished. I don't slam the phone down. I don't walk away in a huff. I say what I need to say and do what I gotta do. Cause if you stay in there and do what you gotta do, learn what you gotta learn, take the necessary steps.. guess what?

"It Gets Better."

Somewhere along the line I got bored of reliving it all. I got tired of rehashing what I felt. It certainly isn't over for me. It will take more time than has already passed. But I can safely say that it does indeed, get better. Whatever "IT" is. Things. Your World. This Life. Whatever you want to change, you can make it happen. I love a good success story. I love stories of people beating impossible odds and finding a new life for themselves. Finding happiness on the other side. We all strive to be the hero of our story. Our lives unfold like a movie. You are the star of it. How do you want the movie to end? I prefer happy endings to tragic ones, myself.

I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I'm 37 years old. Single. I work three jobs. I'm a gas station clerk, a front line cashier at a grocery store and an artist. There's a tiny voice inside of me that says I should be ashamed that I work at these places. Like I should be farther along than that. I should have an upscale job that demands more respect. But you know what? I like my jobs. I really do. At the cashier place I interact with hundreds of people a day. I crack jokes, I let my personality shine. I run around taking care of business and I fucking enjoy it. And apparently I'm good at it. I am fast and my rates that are tracked are high for a newbie. I'm proud of that. I mess up sometimes, but I am learning the gig. I enjoy it. Its a long drive and sorta out of my way. Only 20-25 hours a week, but I enjoy it. The other job is overnights and I deal with drunkards, young silly kids who should piss me off. But they don't. I am happy to chat with them and make them happy. Over the cold few weeks they come in and we bond. I had a guy push me out of the snow here at my apartment complex a couple weeks ago when we got 15" of snow. He comes up with his girlfriend and chats with me for hours there. I sit and listen to cds and do extra cleaning. I come home, get about 4-6 hours of sleep and start it all over again. Any day off I have is either to recoop from sleep, clean the house or go out with friends. I go see my kids too. Its a mish-mash of a rhythm but it seems to work. I barely pull enough in to pay my bills, so I cannot keep this up forever. Something will have to increase in hours or pay. But I am not worried about it. It will come. I trust in the winds to show me the way.

I've been meeting new people. I talk with a few, everyday. GREAT people too! I've made connections with some of them. I go out and hang out or go out on a date or two. It just makes me feel so happy and alive. I have nothing holding me back, even myself. I come home to a cold, empty apartment and I don't fear it. I don't sit and wallow in pity or act like I'm some great victim of what life handed me. I used to. But not anymore. I'm healing. I'm... "Getting better."

But one element has been missing. Sorely missing. A major element too. I'd come home with a few hours to myself and say "tonights the night!" and I don't do it. Or I bring it to work to do it during my downtime.. and it doesn't happen. I just haven't been able to start. I'm speaking of course about drawing. The one element of my life that has been a constant since I was a child. The thing that healed me through many changing seasons of my life. I saw the pencil lying there and I just couldn't pick it up. Maybe I feared that I was no good anymore. I'm not sure why I haven't felt the motivation to do it. But this week, I did. I grabbed out some of the Starslam books for Kickstarter and started my sketches. this week, I drew 11 of them. I also wrote out some changes to a script I will work on one day. I started sketches for a STARSLAM pinup I am doing for my loyal Kickstarter supporters. And the poses are better than anything I coulda done a few months ago. I'm starting to feel the explosion of my art once again. Its an amazing feeling! I'm getting inspired. I just want to go outside, run through nature and enjoy the sun on my face. Unfortunately, its cold as shit out and I haven't seen the sun in a month! But it will come back. The snow and ice will melt and I can do those things. Patience. The weather will get better too.

I gotta thank my art brother Jay Fosgitt for lighting my fire a bit this week. He got my head back in the game. And my other pal Jay Durden for making the same suggestion and I missed it. Its for them I stepped up to the plate, dug out some old art of mine to put on the challege and I realized that I had good stuff. I began to miss it. I hadn't looked at that stuff in a while. So I wanted to see if I could make more. So I started to. Sometimes you just need a spark or a push out the door to get you going. Thanks guys. 

Nothing I have gone through is making me who I am today. It certainly has happened and I weathered (or am weathering) it. But slowly, everything is becoming an equasion. Simple math. I have total freedom to decide who and what I want. I remember a scene from Adrian Tomine's OPTIC NERVE comic. A girl drives to a new town for a new start. She gets there and is sitting in her car. And she stops and says, "I can be whoever I want to be when I step out of this car." And thats so true for all of us. We can chose to be the person we want to be right now. Today. This moment. This can be the moment in the movie where we rise to the conflict and the montage music starts. We start striving to get better and beat our demons... who or whatever they are. And we'll come out the other side and know one thing..... "it got better!"

I was reading my friend Joe Peacock's BLOG today and he said something that really struck me. He said "its not going to define you. It allows you to define yourself." And thats what I am doing. I am embracing who and what I want in life. I don't settle. I don't let my two part time jobs that others would deem "beneath" them to define me as a person. I'm enjoying the ride I'm on. I don't get scared to take a chance or say what I want to say. If I want to stop a girl and say she's got a great shirt on or nice nails or hairstyle, I'm gonna do that. If I wanna ask a dude where he got his shoes, I will. If I want to ask one of my favorite artists or writers for a critique, I will. Because I can. The fear is gone. The hurt is gone. The anger rises sometimes, but it soon does dissipate into nothingness, just as swiftly as it came. 

So.. basically...  No matter what you are going through. No matter how high you have to climb the mountain before you. No matter what asshole says you can't, but you know you can and WILL... It Gets Better.

Much love to you all!

T

PS - BTW, I am now almost 60 pounds in weight loss. Still going!