To piggy back on last blog's content:
Tomorrow is the fresh start. Again.
I stepped off the scale on Friday morning and I just stared at myself in the mirror. Just stared directly into my own eyes. I had a scowl. I wanted to yell at myself. I wanted to scream at myself. But I just kept staring. The anger. The bubble burst in my head. I thought okay, maybe I'm 350. 352 at the highest. Nope. 358. I gained back 40 fucking pounds in one year. I couldn't pull away from my stare. I just was angry at myself and I knew it.
Any change in life is you genuinely saying that you are tired of the bullshit. And right now, I'm fucking tired of it. And I finally know it.
I packed my lunch for work that day. It was a serving of peaches and an AMP soda. Since I left the morning shift I am off of coffee, unless I am working at home that morning. The routine is all over the place. I keep avoiding joining the gym because I don't know if its better to work out in the morning or after work. Plus my bad knee is acting up again. Excuses excuses.
I'm angry at myself for gaining 40 pounds back. I certainly feel it. I went to the store and picked up a 35 pound kettlebell. It was heavy as fuck. I could barely lift it. And I gained that and more back. No wonder I am so tired and fucked up lately.
I ordered pizza with my boys on Saturday. My last pizza for a while. I had McDonalds tonight for the last time. The fries were stale and the nuggets were hard. It wasn't worth the money. But the soda tasted so good. A year and a half ago, the thought of a soda was beyond disgusting to me. I fell off the wagon, HARD. But it will be my last soda.
I bought two more water bottles. I have a total of six of the ones I like. They are loaded with icy cold water in the top shelf of my fridge. There are no more sodas or chips left. All the bad food has vacated my kitchen. It will not return.
I spent the last couple hours looking at shirts online. I desperately need new clothes. I almost placed an order but said "what if I make it? What would I need with a 5XL shirt??" So I cancelled the thought. I bookmarked some ones I will get. I ran them by my girlfriend who does not approve of my choice of wanted attire in the slightest. But its my body. My weight. My expression. I feel like if I lose the weight and want to wear a tutu, I can do it. Cause I damn well earned it. No argument there.
I am an addict, folks. No doubt about it. My drug is food. My savior and my friend is food. It comforts me. It helps me. Its my secret. Its my downfall. I relapsed. Its that simple. I'm ashamed of it, but I admit I did it.
I confess all of that tonight to know that I will wake up tomorrow starting it all over again. The first steps out the door. The ways I have to re-train my brain. I did it once, I can do it again. And this time, go further. I know I'm capable of making it happen again. I just cannot put that needle in my vein again.
We all have things we want to overcome. We all know what holds us back. Hopefully we all can wake up and be tired of our own bullshit and rise to the great challenge. We can be the better version of "US."
Let's go.
T
1 comment:
The one thing in life I have found is you will always get knocked down. What matters is you get back up and keep pushing forward. Movies like Rocky and Creed to me aren't about fighting in the ring but rather about how you take on life. Go the distance.
At my heaviest I weighed 382 and I am today at 304 after three years. Have I had moments where I slide back a little absolutely and not during all those years have I had success moving the numbers down. But guess what, you are thinking about it now and you are making lifestyle changes which is more important than dieting.
As for your knee, I would suggest using the pool at a place like the EL Rec center, the Y etc. Gives you some low impact work outs and you can work in time to be active with your kids in a manner that makes working out fun.
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