I updated the blog site here to show my appearances on the upper right. That way you know where my hot ass will be all year! I also scored tickets to see my favorite new metal band, GHOST in Grand Rapids in May. I'm going alone, so I sprung for the VIP package. Why not, eh? My pal Gabriel and I are going to go see REEL BIG FISH here in Lansing in February as well. So new concerts are already lining up. I still have only seen Star Wars once in the theater, so I am gonna go with Dean this Sunday I think.
I got a nice amount of coloring done this week on Starslam 2. Production continues. My mind turned to soup in the middle of this week and my working routine got shot. Just, tired and feeling blah. I think part of it is that I've been eating like total shit lately. I promised to start a diet on the 1st but it didn't take. Its just been crap eating and no exercise. I think the weather has me down, too. Plus I started this week with a small head cold. (thanks kids!)
But one of my goals of 2016 is to get back on track with the health, mentally and physically. I regained 35 of the 55 pounds I lost back in early 2015. Its shameful. I feel slow and horrible. But my brain cannot connect the two to stop drinking soda and eating bad food again. Its all my fault. I bought a bunch of gym clothes but somehow am not motivated to get a gym routine going, nor stopping eating crap food. I'm treading dangerous territory. But until that final want snaps in my brain, I'm stuck in this cycle.
I hate being fat, but not enough to get rid of it for good. That's a problem. The addictive personality and depression is dug in deep. Gotta pull it out again.
I hate clothes shopping as a fat person. I desire to look good, but its impossible when you are fat. Not cause of the shape of the body, but the limited choices in clothes. Bands don't make shirts beyond a 1-2X. And if you do find shirts at a 3-4X, you get these:
Really? As I fat guy I don't want a goddamn cow on my shirt!
I get it. Part of the idea is "owning" your fat, saying you are comfortable in your own skin. Well, I think if you asked any fat person if they woke up tomorrow weighing 130-170 pounds, would they be okay with that, I think I'd get a universal "YES" to that.
Is it lack of motivation? Is it habit? Depression? Slovenliness? Loneliness? Sadness? Food taste too good? Laziness?
For me, its all of the above. Let's be honest. In 2014, I started caring and I quit soda. I was off it for 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! Can you believe that? I can't. I got back on it while working the insane hours at my two jobs this past year. I convinced myself I needed the energy and caffiene. So I started back on soda. And here I am a year later. I eat fast food almost daily again. Its disgusting. I hate it and I hate that I fell back into my old gross habits.
I know what you are thinking. "Well, fucking stop!" You'd be right. It should be that simple. And I don't know what snapped in my head the first time to make me stop back then. I need that again. Whatever it was.
I know what I want and what I don't want in life. So why can't my brain say "FUCKIN' ENOUGH!!!!" Hopefully I find that head space again. I need to find that path again and get back to where I was and move further than that. I know I can do it cause I proved it. Life just got in the way. Well, I need to reclaim it. Badly.
Well this is all more stuff for the therapist. Thanks for listening.
Anyway, have a great weekend my friends. Onward and upward!
Cheers, T
PS - RIP Alan Rickman. Fuck cancer. Fuck death. Goddammit!
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