Phat Life and FAT Life

Hey friends. I'm working my ass off at the day job. LONG hours. Its the busy season and that is fine with me. I'm barely home at all. This weekend I got my boys and I'm looking forward to having them overnight and being at home to clean up and get stuff done. I got my youngest his own ipad. Its a 1st generation and kinda slow, but it will be good for the learning apps and things he would use it for. I loaded it with cartoons for him to enjoy. Scotty seems to dig his and they seem to fight over it sometimes, so its only fair he has his own. Why not.

I updated the blog site here to show my appearances on the upper right. That way you know where my hot ass will be all year! I also scored tickets to see my favorite new metal band, GHOST in Grand Rapids in May. I'm going alone, so I sprung for the VIP package. Why not, eh? My pal Gabriel and I are going to go see REEL BIG FISH here in Lansing in February as well. So new concerts are already lining up. I still have only seen Star Wars once in the theater, so I am gonna go with Dean this Sunday I think. 

I got a nice amount of coloring done this week on Starslam 2. Production continues. My mind turned to soup in the middle of this week and my working routine got shot. Just, tired and feeling blah. I think part of it is that I've been eating like total shit lately. I promised to start a diet on the 1st but it didn't take. Its just been crap eating and no exercise. I think the weather has me down, too. Plus I started this week with a small head cold. (thanks kids!)

But one of my goals of 2016 is to get back on track with the health, mentally and physically. I regained 35 of the 55 pounds I lost back in early 2015. Its shameful. I feel slow and horrible. But my brain cannot connect the two to stop drinking soda and eating bad food again. Its all my fault. I bought a bunch of gym clothes but somehow am not motivated to get a gym routine going, nor stopping eating crap food. I'm treading dangerous territory. But until that final want snaps in my brain, I'm stuck in this cycle.

I hate being fat, but not enough to get rid of it for good. That's a problem. The addictive personality and depression is dug in deep. Gotta pull it out again.

I hate clothes shopping as a fat person. I desire to look good, but its impossible when you are fat. Not cause of the shape of the body, but the limited choices in clothes. Bands don't make shirts beyond a 1-2X. And if you do find shirts at a 3-4X, you get these:

Really? As I fat guy I don't want a goddamn cow on my shirt!

I get it. Part of the idea is "owning" your fat, saying you are comfortable in your own skin. Well, I think if you asked any fat person if they woke up tomorrow weighing 130-170 pounds, would they be okay with that, I think I'd get a universal "YES" to that.

Is it lack of motivation? Is it habit? Depression? Slovenliness? Loneliness? Sadness? Food taste too good? Laziness?

For me, its all of the above. Let's be honest. In 2014, I started caring and I quit soda. I was off it for 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! Can you believe that? I can't. I got back on it while working the insane hours at my two jobs this past year. I convinced myself I needed the energy and caffiene. So I started back on soda. And here I am a year later. I eat fast food almost daily again. Its disgusting. I hate it and I hate that I fell back into my old gross habits.

I know what you are thinking. "Well, fucking stop!" You'd be right. It should be that simple. And I don't know what snapped in my head the first time to make me stop back then. I need that again. Whatever it was.

I know what I want and what I don't want in life. So why can't my brain say "FUCKIN' ENOUGH!!!!" Hopefully I find that head space again. I need to find that path again and get back to where I was and move further than that. I know I can do it cause I proved it. Life just got in the way. Well, I need to reclaim it. Badly.

Well this is all more stuff for the therapist. Thanks for listening.

Anyway, have a great weekend my friends. Onward and upward!

Cheers, T

PS - RIP Alan Rickman. Fuck cancer. Fuck death. Goddammit!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wasn't going to do this post, but I didn't want to end 2013 here with the downer that was the last posting. It did get a lot of hits though. Thanks very much for coming back and caring to read it. You never know what people are going to care about when you put it out in the world, even when its somethng small like a blog post from your frustrated mind. So I appreciate the hits. Biggest blog reads in a while now. Thanks for that.

I am happy to say that today is another day and after I posted that, I chained myself to my table to get some work done on commissions. And in the last couple days, I pencilled 10 small commissioned adult art pages for a regular client I have. I pencilled them on 8x11, inked and digitally colored most of them. Plus I did a piece I am giving to friends as a wedding present. It would be easy to say "Forget what I said, I'M BACK" but I know that the comfort demon is always right around the corner, ready to rub my shoulders and make me submit. He always wants me to lose my focus.

Some things help. Like seeing others' zeal for their own self-published works. Like BECKY CLOONAN. Also, JOE PEACOCK's writing always seems to be a great source of fuel for me to sip. Lastly, its the knowledge that no, I am not quitting. I never wanted to quit. I just get scared that it would be so easy to. Like the drive has dissapated as I get older, but I can adjust. Thats good to know. Deep in my core, I haven't changed and will not change. And that I take with me into 2014.

On my newest Idiothead Morning Show Podcast (Subscribe HERE for FREE!), I talked about 2013 and going into 2014 with some goals. Not resolutions, but things to look forward to.

1-GET ONLINE STORE GOING AGAIN - My books have been out of print for years now. I need to monotize what I already have and not worry about the next thing until I am taking care of the babies I got. So Anna will get redone. Pleasant Life will be collected and put in one big book. I plan on doing a 20th Anniversary Tshirt and get the Artbook printed finally. Plus more to come. I need to make $ on what I already own. Its important. I feel like a shlub saying I do books when all my books are sold out and I never have any at the shows.

2-CELEBRATE 20 YEARS - I've talked about it repeatedly that 2014 is my 20th year doing comics. I want to celebrate it. Talk about it more. At the cons, have balloons and cake. Show people why I am celebrating and let people know I care enough to celebrate it. I feel like I've earned that.

3-FINISH MY FOUR PROJECTS - First, the Starslam trade... which I only have about 20 more pages to go on it. Then release it online and a tradebook. Then there's TALES of SEQUENTIAL MAYHEM #3. My art is done. Just have to put it all together and launch a Kickstarter in January. That is all rolling. Lastly, my two written books: The short story/poem collection and the "My life working in the Sex Stores" autobiography. I am about 80 pages deep in both and I plan to finish both by March, with a first draft for each at least. The short story one I will likely self publish but I am seeking a publisher for the autobiography. But I am not worrying about that until I have a working draft. But all four things will be released next year. Guaranteed.

4-DISCOVER MORE MUSIC - Continue my vinyl rediscovery but also branch out into new music and keep the fuel going. An easy no-brainer.

5-TREAT MYSELF NICER - Joe Peacock said in his latest blog something I never thought about. He said that "I own myself." Thats true. I own my brain and my body. But I always put myself down and don't take care of myself. Physical, mental. I say these self-depricating jokes as a sort of defense mechanism to feel like I am taking the thunder away from anyone who would be thinking it for me. So no more fat jokes about myself. I've been taking energy vitamins. I'm going to continue that. Cut sugars and make one meal a day a healthy one. Just start slow. No fast food. Can't much anymore because the wife's student loans have caught up to us and we have to start paying on them! So just start with that and transition with the flow. But also with this, just to stop the doubts. Move forward. Keep going. Treat myself nicer. Rebuild confidence. Get louder. Celebrate more. Buy myself the more expensive soap or mouthwash instead of the generic one. Because I celebrate my value on this planet and I deserve it. and thats what I mean about treating myself nicer. Ya dig?

2013 had its strikes and gutters, ups and downs. I'd relist them, but I don't have to. Its behind me and only a fool trips on baggage behind them. I'm moving forward. Take me into your arms, 2014. I'm ready.

Everyone: Thanks for reading and caring to keep coming back to check out my little corner of the world. It means more than you know. Be safe, take care and I know you're going to have a great year!

Peace and love, T