Closing the Museum and Reclaiming ME (through DVDs/BR's!)

Welcome back friends. It has been a while since I've done a deep waters type of blog. Bare with me.

My dad is visiting me this weekend. He's really in deep grief over losing his wife last year. Completely understandable. I feel bad for him. He was married to my mom for 33 years until she died in 2000. Then he remarries a great, great gal and she dies 14 years later. Now he's in his 70s and alone. He lives in a big house full of reminders of her and his past life with others and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He now suffers from major anxiety, panic attacks and probably depression. He hides it well, but I know the symptoms.

I am similar in many ways. I've lost my life at one point as well. Twice, actually. When you basically have to start over from these things, you go through the feels. And its important to go through them. Sadness, Anger, Bitterness... but then one day it sort of just goes POOF! And its gone. Like, yeah it happened. But you made it through it. You survived. You cannot live like a victim all your life.

People die.
People get divorced.
Shit happens.
And its not unique.
Like ocean tides, we ride it all out.

In the end, you find yourself still standing. But when you build your life around someone else and they are no longer there, you are forced to look inward and find out who YOU are. In many ways, I'm still doing that. Maybe I always will be.

When we encounter loss of any sort, you hold on to things. When my mom died, I kept many items that was hers. It made me feel better. But slowly it became a pain to take these things with me and make them a part of my life. Slowly, I learned to let these things go. They where ghosts. Pieces in a museum of my history. And I got tired of reliving it. Some I tossed. Some I gave away to people who I consider personally close to. It just felt right to part with these things. I no longer needed them. In the end, it was just STUFF. And not MY STUFF. I got the best parts of that person anyway in my head. Memories. Their voice in my head. I miss both my moms very much, but they will always still be alive in me, in some way.

Also, when you encounter loss of any sort, you start to reclaim things about yourself. I got back into heavy production of my comics and working hard at 2-3 jobs. Then I got a main job and focused heavy on that. I got the added bonus of meeting many new friends and traveling more. And then I met a couple girls who changed my life and gave me happiness. One girl chose to pursue the life she wanted and I encouraged it. Happy for her. Now I met someone else out of nowhere and she is a different animal. She has helped me embrace parts of myself that I always ignored and have now become comfortable with. She listens and cares about me. She reads my stories and loves to catch up on my blogs here and my podcasts. She's thirsty for knowledge about me. Its unreal. But quite welcome!

All these things I put on the back burner before. But now, I've made them and my happiness a priority. I had to. I had to create NEW memories. I didn't want to be haunted by what happened. I couldn't become a bitter, angry person. I wanted to live and be happy. It took a while, but I made it. Sure, it pops up now and then, but mostly now, its gone. Life goes on and so must we all.

So we close the museum and we reclaim who we are. When I started my journey of the big REBOOT back in January 2015, I had nothing. Just my clothes, cds, vinyl, computer and my books. No tv, no furniture, no bed. I sold all my dvds and blurays to help with my move, food, gas and new bills. Cause I wasn't being paid dick at my two part time jobs. So when I got stable and I found that I enjoyed this new focused priority on my comics and traveling, I decided its time to reclaim ME. And by me, through STUFF! So I did. Little by little I increased my vinyl collection and I started buying DVDs and BluRays. Today I went and got a shelf for them. Check out my collection:

My new shelf! I still don't have ALL my discs on there. I might have to get another one!

My BluRays and Horror collection. Some are missing cause they are loaned out!

Some TV box sets. Some for the kids, but mostly for me!

Odds and Ends, Comedy, Music related and Stand Up!

I don't have nearly as much as I want to get, but I will work on it over time. These here represent me reclaiming myself. I bought back all I had lost and even more. I could make a list of things I want but I honestly have no agenda. I just get things when the whimsy hits me. It feels good. Shelf porn. I'm a big fan of it. I proudly display my things again instead of hiding them from my kids. I'll teach them to respect my things and not touch them... especially that Scott-Bot, who I know is gonna flip when he sees this! (He loves playing with discs)

I don't even have time to sit and watch these movies. Most of these I have never watched since the day I bought them. But I wanted them. Because they are a part of me. The museum of ME! Not a memory of something sad that happened to me. But its a visual soundtrack to my life and likes. This, and my vinyl and my CDs... along with my comics, my kids, my writing... all of these are me.

And I am happy today to say, I like me. Maybe for the first time, ever.

--T

(PS And speaking of reclaiming, I got tickets to see GUNS N ROSES on their reunion tour with my pals Nick and Christine. Its gonna be fuckin' balls awesome!)