Hey friends.
Laaaaaaaate night blogging and from my phone. Forgive my spelling errors.
Big fingers, small keyboard. The kids have been at my place the past two weekends and when they are I dont get Sunday nights off to myself anymore. Those were my blogging, podcasting, drawing/production nights. So now Im down to just two a month, and two Saturdays off to spend time with D or friends. Im taking advantage where I can. Only a few short days until Im out of town on a much needed vacation, to help sell my new book at Horrorhound Cincinnati. If you will be there this weekend, find me and we'll hang out. I'll actually be in a costume on Saturday! I'll let the pics do the talking after the show. But suffice to say, I'll certainly be "really loving that rock and roll." (Hint hint)
Therapy so far has been very good for me. It has helped me clear the air on a couple major issues already. I also have been coming to terms with actually NEEDING therapy in the first place. Truth is, I realized that I was at a place where I didnt care about life. Not suicidal, but just not appreciating each day and didnt care if I woke up or not. I couldnt find happiness in anything anymore. And any negative thing that would happen, Id spiral down in my mind and be so unstable. I needed to recalibrate. In some things I needed unbiased outside validation. I needed different perspective. Instead of focusing on anger and dwelling on the things I want but haven't or cannot achieve. But mostly, learning to get out of my own way and knowing that I am worth the effort to change.
Ive realized all that now and it will be an ongoing waking up. Coming back to life. Wont all happen overnight and I know I will slip. But ive been feeling better. I havent had a crying fit in a couple weeks now. Hell, I even snuck in some pencils on Starslam 3 this weekend, and a commission! Hard to do that around the kids, but I got some work in. That is saying something. And you know what? I actually enjoyed doing the artwork. Something I havent felt in a while. Maybe I might finish this race against myself after all!
My dad came up this past weekend. He spent the majority of time up noth with my brothers and then one night at my place. Didnt see the grandkids too long. Its been two years but he's still very much in pain over the loss of his wife, Gloria. He's mourning the loss of two women he loved and lost them both to cancer. Now he finds himself at 73, unable to start over again, stuck in a huge house alone and just lonely. Ive offered him to move up north to Michigan with us, but he drags his feet about it.
I know he wants to be near where they are. Sometimes it feels like he's just waiting around to die. It sucks and I dont know how to help him.
We can only picture what we would do in other people's situations, but we never can guarantee how they will react on thier own. Best we can do is just be there. Like this weekend, fresh on my mind always is my friend Caleb. One year ago, we were at Horrorhound together. As we stood outside smoking, something told me to grab him and do a dreaded "selfie." Even as I did it, I felt like an idiot. But something told me that I needed to take a photo of the moment. I ended up taking two pics of us that night. Once while we smoked and ate vodka soaked gummy worms. The other while we watched Argyle Goolsby on stage in the party area and sipped mixed drinks, drunk as fuck. Im damn glad I took those photos. Cause less than five months later, he was gone.
Now we're going to go and hang out, party again, sell again. And cope with it all. Just BEING THERE for each other. His friends, his wife, etc. Im getting my first tattoo there. A tribute piece to his memory. Im nervous about it but Ive already paid for it and Im committed. Im going under the needle whether I can deal with it or not. Its happening. It cant hurt worse than how it felt the day I found out that he was gone.
Something I learned in therapy is that there is so much we don't have control over. And it sucks, but we must accept that fact. We have no control. We cannot guarantee the actions or reactions of another. We cannot predict or change what can happen. We can help stack the deck in our favor, but what will happen, will happen.
So it goes. So it goes.
But, we can get to a better place with it. We can turn it around and celebrate the good things we got out of the bad things. We MUST find the good in it. For example, my mother died 17 years ago. I was so young. So was she. Her and my dad were robbed of thier twilight years together. You take for granted that she would get to grow old and be there. But she wasn't. But.... out of that came my first major comic work: Pleasant Life. That book turned into several other books. Which Enabled me to travel and sell them all over the world. Sold a couple more to complete strangers in the mail this past month! The work lives on. People still find me and the work! I've met so many great people and did so many things because of that book. One of which you are reading now. Without that book, I wouldnt have a website, or a blog. My mom's death resulted in this. So you have to look at the positive side of things. Instead of "it sucks they are gone," you gotta think, "man, its great she was here! She gave me just enough to get through." And im grateful she was in my life. Im grateful for Gloria. For my Uncle Richard. For Caleb... so many others.
So we celebrate for them.. Celebrate life. Choose life. Choose happiness (okay, this is sounding like the speech from Trainspotting...)
This week I got about a hundred things to get done. Im also sewing and painting up my new biker jean jacket. I got the nerdiest patterns, patches and buttons for it. I'll likely look like an idiot. But I dont care. Cause im ready to dance like I dont give a fuck. Cause all our days are numbered. Might as well. Gonna take so many pictures and video. Going to travel and live life. Going to create art, draw and write so much more. Im going to enjoy every second I can with my friends and family. Im going to help them and myself through the rough times. We're going to dig down and find the good times to remember. And we're going to take everyone who didn't make it with us when we do.
Im going to change the things that need to be changed. Im going to take the best shot I can.
Might as well, am I right?
--T
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