Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Thinky Pain


Hey friends.

Been an extra long holiday weekend for me. I got my kids on Saturday, hung out with Colleen (Caleb's wife) that night. Spent the rest of the weekend relaxing with D, getting artwork done and doing things around the house. I stayed grounded all weekend and just tried to stay sane. It was a nice welcome distraction filled weekend that I needed. But by the end of last night, I came crashing back down to Earth with the feelings of like, "oh yeah... back to the grind tomorrow!" It hit me so hard that I had to lay on the floor, because it felt so... "heavy" ...you know?

Yeah, I tried to stay distracted from all my problems, the world's problems and my personal TO DO list of the big life goal stuff I always weigh myself down with. I have so many things and people I worry about. Nothing I can do about any of it right now, other than just keep heading in the right direction... little by little... every day. I feel like I am constantly in a waiting room, waiting for a doctor to round the corner and give me the good or bad news. It sucks, honestly. Some days its good news. Most days, its more bad news. More stuff to heap on the mountain for me to climb over. It creates a lot of what Marc Maron would dub "Thinky Pain" in my head.

Its not all bad though. I spent a lot of time with myself this weekend. I colored lots of comic art pages for this side erotica book. I did word balloons. I thought up story ideas for this other thing I got going. And randomly, I re-read my 500 page GN, "Pleasant Life." It was something I started back in 1995, and it finished in 2008. I collected it all in one big book in 2013. But in all this time after that, I haven't re-read it. You never re-read your own stuff that much, really. But this weekend I did. I poured into the backgrounds and sometimes remembered where I was when I drew that particular page.

Of course, I found the mistakes and thought of things I would redo if I had the chance. But mostly, I enjoyed hanging out with those characters again. Makes me feel like I did something right with it. And I know when I get to the sequel after these first three books on my plate, I will have a lot of fun and therapy with it.

I spend so much time in my own head. Its a dark place most of the time. I'm full of "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" and I am always trying to think ahead so I don't cause more damage in my life than what already exists. I'm constantly trying to undo what has been done. I'm trying to honor all who lead me to this point and honor those who will come after me. But sometimes its nice to just sit in my PJs with a big bowl of cereal and just take in a relaxing weekend doing things and spending it with people I love. I needed this weekend. I watched Preacher, Veronica Mars, various 80s flicks and listened to old podcasts while I worked on comics. Then I spent time with my kids and friends, and took my girl out for ice cream and just EXISTED.

Of course I fire up the phone this morning and its "this vrs. that. They said this, he says that, this bombing, that shooting, hate here, hate there, fuck this, fuck that..." Like I said... right back to the grind.

But we cannot let the weight of the world get us down. Nor can we let the weight of our own lives keep us from climbing higher. My girl and I decided to make a sort of "manifest goal" poster last night. Things we want to achieve and do. Places we want to go and see. Fun we want to have and live in. Things I want for my loved ones and myself.

I gotta let this dark shit go to a place where it doesn't sit in my brain like a stinky cesspool of filth and decomposing excrement. Somehow I gotta let it out and wash it out with a big bottle of Mr. Clean and warm water. First its forgiving the darkness and then washing it away. Letting go of the anger and sadness. Releasing the hate and the bitterness. I found this meme:


And you know what? I do. I know I do. There's so many good things going on. I had several instances of good news happen this weekend. So many of my friends are having happy things go on in their lives. People I worry about are coping and learning to smile. I'm feeling so inspired and motivated again.  I am thirsty for a trip to an Art Museum to get reborn again and fill my creativity fuel tank. I feel like exploring and crawling out to the light. Each day I want to bring myself one step closer to where I want to be... to finish what I want to finish... to manifest the things I earn.

And so I shall.... and so should you.

Fuck the Thinky Pain. Who needs it anyway?

--T

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