Sunday, August 20, 2017

Its Going to be Okay

I hugged Doug Stanhope.

Let me start at the beginning...

This week sucked. Busy at the day job. House is a mess. Cannot find a rhythm to get some writing or artworking done. I piled more on the TO DO list than anything. I didn't sleep all that well, nor eat better... And My girl and I went through a two day fight.

All of these things are not unique. They happen in everyone's lives. But the way I've been rolling lately, I feel like I'm limping in circles. Going nowhere really damn fast. Barely awake and conscious anymore. I'm stressed and just mentally fucked. You check the news and everyday some insane shit is going down. Just absolutely insane. I get so worked up about it, and there's nothing I can do about it. My girl is frustrated too with her job and other things. We are all we have and so we sometimes take it out on each other, without realizing it. We've been through so much together and so quickly. She helps me through my shit and I try to help her with hers. But my shit seems so big, that I sometimes cannot look past it to see anyone else needing me.

Everytime issues come up in my life, I do this spiral. Where nothing is good, everything sucks and I'll never get out of the shit that holds me back. I think about just giving up. You know, the scary thoughts. I could never do it. Never. But I sure love to think about it. 

I am a depressed person. I have so many things holding me down and back. I can easily write down a list of the things I want and I'd say if I just had these things, I'd finally be happy.

But would I?

I'm talking with my best friend for over 25 years and he tells me he is in therapy and taking pills for depression and a few other things. I'm absolutely floored. When he told me, I cried. The dude has everything on my fucking list. A great high paying job, a loving marriage, he gets to tuck his kid in at night and spend time with him everyday, a huge nice house filled with toys and the financial ability to get anything that comes out when he wants it, a newer nicer couple of vehicles, etc etc etc.... HOW CAN HE BE DEPRESSED??!!!?

I was concerned for my friend. I guess I realized that it won't take those things on my list to make me happy. It will take more work on my part to get myself mentally right. So I made the decision to go back to therapy and maybe even explore pill options. I'm turning 40 in 5 months. I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life. I have so much I want to do and accomplish for myself and my kids, for my friends and my fans. There is so much great work to be done.

After a hard week of shit and once the dust settled from my girl and I's hard fighting weekend, we were exhausted. We took a nap together and then drove to Kalamazoo to see comedian Doug Stanhope. He's one of my absolute favorite comics of all time with easily the darkest sense of humor around. His work has always appealed to me. Not for the faint of heart, fair warning! We stopped off at a used DVD/CD store and found a few gems. I decided to finally pick up one of the TREK TNG seasons on Blu-ray... which when I got it home, it does look immaculate! I'm so late to the table on those... More on that some other time.

We get to the bar and I have a long island and some fries. We get into the show and are seated right up front next to this really nice couple. I buy D and I a few more long islands and the show starts. Local talent goes up first and he's not bad at all! Then a very drunk Andy Andrist comes out and does a very funny set. It was his birthday and you can tell he had already been celebrating. Finally Doug came out and he did well over an hour. I didn't snap any photos out of respect for his asking the crowd not to. I brought along my copy of his book "DIGGING UP MOTHER" for him to sign, if they come out after the show.

Well, they did come out and we lined up. I got one of their tour posters. Its not a very great poster but I supported the show and got Doug, Greg Chalie and Andy A to sign it. It was my turn to go up to the dude to get my book signed. He sees me and reaches out like he wants a hug.

Now, I'm not a hugger at all. I got a space thing. And I would think someone like Doug Stanhope wouldn't be either. He didn't hug anyone else before me in line. But for some reason he reached out for one. I made with the hug and a couple pats. Maybe he sensed I needed it. Maybe they got a running joke of hugging all the fat guys at the shows. Maybe he was appreciative that I didn't mess with him at the show (like others did) and I actually bought his book a while ago and brought it for him to sign. But in that moment, I didn't care. Whatever the case, I hugged the man and he signed my book. That was that.

We left there and I was smiling. I didn't even realize it. I hugged my girl and said, "Dude, I just hugged Doug Stanhope. How cool was that?"

It was cool. And it put me in a good mood. I told myself, "everything is going to be okay."

It took me a while to fall asleep. Its been a crazy week. Lots of downs and a few big ups. But I met a hero and he was a cool dude. I took my girl out and she laughed her ass off. She ate nachoes and got a few rare DVDs she's been looking for. I treated myself to a remastered TREK Blu-Ray that looks awesome. I walked away with some good memories from a comedy show. I got some Overtime hours in at the day job which will help out as it always does. The big decision of going back to therapy is off my mind. Its okay for me now to accept help. My colorist emailed me to say the newest pages I sent him are colored and ready to go.

Maybe after all... it was a good week.

This morning I woke up super early to pee. The cats scratched at the door so I decided to get up. To write this blog. To start a roast that my girl and I will enjoy later. To clean the house and straighten things up. And after that, I feel the drive. I'm busting out the pencils and getting to work again. I think I will do it watching my TNG Blu-Ray... celebrating that 30 years ago this next month, my mom, brother and I sat and watched the premiere of the show. And now I get to watch it, remastered and reassembled from the original negative. Not a video transfer but from the actual film strip.

Its a great time to be alive... and its all going to be okay.

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