This is a deep writing. Bare with me.
I honestly don't even know how to begin. I just have the feels tonight and I want to let it out somehow. I guess it started with my oldest son, Cody. He grew up with his mother, two.. sometimes four hours away from where I was living. While I did see him when I could, I missed out on a lot of the little things. He seems okay about it today. He's in college up at Michigan Tech making his dreams a reality. I really regret that I couldn't be there for the little things, but it was the nature of the situation we were in. So it goes.
I have two more children, Scott and James. When their mother and I divorced, Scott was five. James was one. Scott may remember, but James will never remember what it was like to have me around everyday.
In the beginning I was there always. Now, I am only there on weekends. Our weekends together consist of mostly play and me trying to squeeze in housework and my other job's needs around it. Sometimes the regular day job calls me away and I have to work, missing one of the precious few days I get to see them in a month. I wish I could do more. But I work so much. 40 hours and overtime. Plus the second job. And lately, I'm having to do even more work and time on the jobs to make ends meet. It will be like that for a while. I've tried to prepare myself mentally for the days where I might have to work instead of being home with them.
Again, I miss out. So it goes.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about having a good job and a great fanbase that supports my work so that I can continue to make art and use my actual degree and lifelong training to draw and make worlds and art for people to enjoy. But I have to work double hard to make ends meet for my home and for my kids. And in that, when the little things come, they come out of nowhere and I have to pause and look. Usually its already passed me by. Scott would be talking and I would look into his mouth. There is a tooth missing. He'd be like "oh yeah! I lost a tooth!" And I'm on the floor sobbing. I miss so much.
I never have been there for any of my kids to loose a tooth. (Note: After I just typed that last sentence, I had to stop and cry for a bit. Its now ten minutes later as I finish.) And that is where the anger and the pain of separation from my kids comes in. All these little things most parents take for granted, I miss out on. By design, it is so. Over time, I've slowly learned to accept that. It is what it is. I miss every milestone that comes. They arrive and look older. They speak better, write better. I stay the same. So it goes.
You know the worst phrase I hear in my life? "Goodbye dad, I love you. See you next weekend." Its like a fucking knife, every time I hear it. Every time.
This weekend my youngest son James came to me and said, "I lost a tooth!" His first tooth. I of course am now biting my lip not to cry again. Just let it go. Just let it go. Bury it for now, deal with it later. Get alone after the weekend and cry it out. Talk it out. Write it out. Scream it out. Just get through it. Because this is just the way it is.
But this time was different...
James had a second tooth that was loose. I got kind of excited about it. Maybe, he might lose it this weekend! Nah, won't happen on my watch. I'm not that lucky.
Tonight, his tooth came out. His second baby tooth that was in every picture I took when he was young. He was happy to be rid of it but worried that the tooth fairy might not find him at daddy's house. I assured him that she likely would and I would put it in a plastic baggie to keep it safe for her. I wrote on a note inside: JAMES TOOTH. 9-14-19. Its in my lock box now. I'm keeping it forever. After all this time, I finally earned a moment. I earned a tooth.
When you are the father of kids who live in a separated home, its a tough battle. You feel like you have a lot to explain for. You have major obligations. You cannot afford time to feel or remember. You just have to keep going. Ignore that empty baby seat in the back of your car. Fold their clothes and put them away in quiet. Don't let the pain and loneliness trickle down to them. Its your cross to bare. Get them groceries, things to do and make plans for the coming weekend. Keep hoping you will actually get the day off with them and the sun will come out so you can walk outside or go to the park. Watch the other mommies and daddies together there as you stick out as a single parent there with your boys. Just be there. Hope for one day in the future that you can truly be there for them in a way you know how and that the pain is long gone. Hope for the days when it doesn't even matter anymore. You did your job and you will continue to be the rock for them. Keep trying to turn them on to things you like. Maybe the seeds you plant will grow? Who knows.
So much to do and get through. Tough times ahead. But the one thing I know right now is that I got a tooth. James said the tooth fairy brought him one dollar for his tooth at his house. At daddy's house tonight, the fairy left two.
--T
No comments:
Post a Comment