Sleep, Interrupted

Hello friends.

It is the early morning. I've been up since 6am, dealing with a howling kitten. Hardly a kitten at a year old next month. She keeps meowing in the early mornings and we cannot figure out why. My poor girlfriend spent all night last night with her letting me get the three hours of sleep I could get before I had to get my kids in the a.m., so I took the bullet this morning for her. So it goes.

Reminds me of the days when my kids were just babies and I was on a rotation helping with sleep, sacrificing my own sleep to make sure things ran as smoothly as they could. I'm always happy to help others get what they need. But with my lack of sleep, I sometimes feel really out of it and overall, just dumb. I hope it stabilizes soon. 

Still, she sure is a cute kitty: (We decided ultimately to name her LILY (Munster) by the way....)

The kids seem to like her too. And she didn't run and hide from them yesterday either!

She even hangs out on my desk while I'm working, like other cats I've had. I've missed that.

Its these kind of mornings where I like to just brew a pot of coffee and get some writing done. I got so many projects going on that I just have no idea where they are and what I need next for them. I would like to kick one of these novels out first, but the art on comics I am doing seems to plague me. It feels like I have struggled to find a good rhythm all year on these things. Early in this year I was steady on it to finish Starslam 2 for the Kickstarter. But then I started on #3 and its been one day of work a month. Its no way to keep things going. The stories, scenes and characters keep playing in my head but my productivity to get it out onto paper beyond writing various notes and things in the margins of the script is my Sisyphus Rock. I even took a hiatus in the summer, and have been pulling the cord to restart the engine ever since.

I took a day off yesterday after the kids left. I caught up on some much needed sleep and then I watched Trainspotting for the first time in a long time. I guess I'm really stoked for the sequel. Then I watched the Eight Days a Week documentary, followed by some new South Parks. I've been re-reading old comics and Mad Magazines for a bit now. I placed an order on Amazon today for some used books. Some famous location scouting books, an indie novel publishing/formatting guide, a comic I think Kitty D will enjoy and a couple other things.

As if I need more books to read. I got about six of them in various stages of dissection and haven't picked them up in a while. Right now I'm reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, two Neil Gaiman short story books, "Digging up Mother" by Doug Stanhope and a couple others.

On the TV Front I'm slowly trying to go through the new seasons of South Park, Eric Andre and Stranger Things. I keep stop-starting. I also got about twenty newer albums of music from bands I love to dissect. I haven't even touched them.

Would be nice if I could actually FINISH something, eh?

I guess I just never have time to devote to these things. Or maybe my mind is so cluttered that I cannot focus. I am working lots of hours at the day job now as we are into heavy overtime. I am constantly running here and there. I am hoping now that 2016 is dying down and that the election bullshit is over, I can find some mental stability to accomplish these things, professionally and entertainment-wise.

Something somehow seems to zap my attention span or overall interest in anything anymore. Most of the time it seems like I am just drifting through. Wake up, do some minor shit, go to work for 10 hours, go pick up Kitty D, come home and struggle to sleep. I just feel drained all the time. I don't know what I need. A vacation? A nice holiday? I'm not sure.

Over Thanksgiving week I have a couple days to myself. I am forcing myself to do nothing and just relax. I really need to. One of the days I am getting my kids for a couple hours, which is fine. But other than that, I really need to just get away from it all, including myself. How I do that in my own home, remains to be seen. I plan to just cook a huge ass Thanksgiving meal and eat leftovers for three days in an attempt to just shut myself in and relax. Okay, MAYBE I'll put the Xmas tree and decorations up! (You know I will...)

Well the kitty has quieted down and my eyes are glazing over again. Perhaps I'll attempt a mini nap on my new couch. Let's hope I can at least accomplish that!

--T

P.S. Here is some nice bit of therapy. Please take 25 minutes to watch this. Especially the end. Fuck 2016. 

STARSLAM PREVIEW

I've been busy dropping flat colors on the last 75 pages of STARSLAM to gear up for the launch of the Kickstarter. These are just FLATS, but I wanted to share a bit of the progress and tease what is to come. Spoilers? NSFW a tiny bit... moo hoo haaa haa!!! Enjoy!!!

Stuff and Nonsense

Hey all. Been a bit since a blog update so here ya go.

 Been busy for the most part. Working the night job, catching sleep when I can and doing things around the house. Seems I am cleaning this place top to bottom daily! The kids go all Dr. Destructo on the place and I struggle to keep things rolling and clean around here. But I do enjoy it. It would help if I wasn't so out of it most of the time. Adjusting to day, then night, then back to day sleep really does a number on me. The wife is starting a new job this week for a bit more pay and way more opportunity. But she will be out of town for six weeks for training! Only home on the weekends. Also Scotty starts school on Tuesday. It is definitely going to be lonely around here. But I honestly could use a bit of quiet. I'll still have James here to keep me company. I plan to use this quiet time to catch up on my loooooooong TO DO list. Anxious to get started on it.

I had my last appearance (I think) for the year today. I did a quick signing at a new comic shop in Lansing called RED FOX COMICS. Its by the Outback Steakhouse and Kohls in West Lansing, off of Saginaw Rd. A good location. Good folks in there and they are running a new, modern titles clean family friendly shop. No games, all comics. I was happy to go in there and show support. I'm sure I'll be back in. They mentioned doing things with some local artists so we'll see what comes up!

Am I sad its my last appearance for the year? Not really. I'm sorta still drained from the shit this year has done to me. Its still going on too. This week I had a surprise $600 car repair. I was overdue for it anyway I guess. But I am equally overdue for some GOOD LUCK TO HAPPEN!!!!!! Heh. I can dream on I suppose, right?

But things are okay. I'm writing more. The night job is going well. Stress is dwindling. Bills are getting caught up. Its only a matter of time before I get into actual production again. I do things here and there, like I am on this card set for Marvel right now. But other than that, everything I have done is real sorta "once a week" type of production stuff. My office misses me. Scotty monopolizes the time in here. But soon I will have it back. Soon.

I'm scared about his starting kindergarten. All sorts of questions arise. How is he going to handle it? What is his teacher going to do for him? He is behind on some things and seems really unwilling to learn here at home. I hope he cooperates at school and gets better. Potty training is still a bitch and he only wants to watch videos and eat all the time. He's getting a bit chubby and that scares me too. He won't eat healthy things. He won't even try them. If we take him to the park, it has to be followed up with a trip to get french fries. Its really a problem. I'm hoping daily school activity will help him. But he will be limited to only eating what we pack for his lunch, instead of munching and eating all day at home like he does. I guess we'll see if he can do well at adjusting. Most of the time, not so much. Its his way or its crazy time. We'll see.

In other news, I did an interview with James Rolfe and Kevin Finn who did the ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD MOVIE and also the AVGN videos online.

I've been a fan for a long time. And it was an awesome opportunity to interview them! It will be up at Bigfanboy.com in a couple days. I'm sure I will post links when its up. There's an audio and written interview with them. Great fun to talk to some current heroes of mine!

I think the first thing out the gate when this new schedule begins is finishing my novels. First the porn store one and then the short story one. Then finishing comics. I got all of STARSLAM scanned. Just needs coloring and lettering. Then Kickstarter. Maybe around Christmas? I don't want to hold myself to anything. Then Anna plans. We'll see what all I can do. For now, just taking it as it feels right. I got nothing in my head as far as 2015 plans or anything yet. There's things I am kicking around but its too early to commit to anything.  We shall see.

The title to this blog should just be "We'll see!"

However, I am keeping up with IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW PODCAST! Are you caught up with it? I got tons of new episodes up. Listen HERE or subscribe via ITUNES. Also if you do that, please give a rating and feedback at Itunes. It helps the ratings and gives me the chance to earn some sponsors. I do all this for free, so some help is always great!

Haven't bought much music lately but I've been on a big STOOGES kick. Also the RAMONES and ROLLINS BAND. Been catching up with other types of podcasts too. As far as reading I've dug into some Harlan Ellison and I am finally getting around to this book called Basajaun by Rosemary Van Deuren. I got it from her last year and its been on the TO READ pile for a while. So far, I like both books. Done a lot more reading this year than I have in a long time. I'm enjoying it!

On the diet front, no news but I am doing good. Wife is down over 70 pounds. She's gone from a size 22 to a size 12. I'm proud of her. I'm slow going but in this for the long haul. Been on a big water kick lately, which is what I should be on anyway. Coffee too. Yup.

Anyway, thats about enough of an update from me. A bunch of nothingness. I hope you were entertained. But I am glad you stopped by again! Its for you I keep in this whole thing. Better days are not too far ahead. I'm looking forward to it. I need it!!!! Thanks to you all for your continued support.

Cheers, T

I put the "PRO" in Procrastination, Lately

Welcome back my friends. I want to spend today's entry talking about a problem I've been struggling with for the last couple months. Its not exactly procrastination, but just a general feeling of burn out. Or is it? When I've been hired to do work, I do it. But on my own things, I haven't made much progress. I have to force myself, practically chain myself to my desk to get work done. Around Halloween I did the 8 pages I needed to do for the next Mayhem Horror Anthology (which isn't due til January 30th). But I felt like I needed to get it done quickly before I lost the horror mood that was in me. I got it done, but after that, not much else. I did some commissions here and there, but after that: zilch.

I haven't felt excitement for anything comics related for quite a while now. I think its the constant fighting over small things in the industry over social media. Every day theres a new controversy everyone feels they have to weigh in on. I've always maintained a position of just staying out of it and just doing my work. Focus the energy I would spend getting mad about something and just channel it into the work. But every day there's something new to derail me and get me exposed and tired of it all. A new fight. A new skirmish. A new controversy. Not just in comics, but everywhere. I guess I let the weight of the world in too easily. Its hard not to, when you know that you have kids that one day might be effected by the negative things in the world. You feel somewhat guilty and responsible for it. I think also that the comics have evolved into a pop culture item to be celebrated in things like cosplay, TV and movies, and there doesn't seem to be as much focus on the craft and creation of a good story. Artists and writers are easily forgotton and the only things that sell are art prints of characters in the pop culture. Not my own. Not my friends' of his characters. We struggle to tell OUR stories and they fall on deaf ears.

But all of that has nothing to do with ME. I got projects on my stove right now that have me very excited. I make notes in my phone to put in the book I am writing. I write a short story here and there. I do sketches and things for the eventual time when I will just have that night where I can get free and explode into a big night of creativity and production. But it all fizzles around 8pm. I am in bed by 10pm now. Gone are the days where I stay up late, alone, focused on the tasks at hand. I find that I get more joy out of waking up with a solid night of sleep and ready to take on the kids and their various attitudes and needs. Unpredictible as it always is. And any free time I have I am sitting and listening to music, reading a book (not a comic, a BOOK) or just cleaning. I enjoy new cooking recipies. I have been baking bread and loving it. I find more joy in those things. The joy of actual creation has seemed to have dimmed, and I don't know why.

I know what I have to do. I know I want to do it. But when I find a moment to get it going, I cannot start. I tend to think that creativity and actual production needs to flow and come naturally. Usually it happens and I have to stop and leave the "zone" to take care of something. Get the kid a drink, change a diaper, go to sleep, etc. Such is the life of a parent with two young kids, one with autism. Adjusting to the new life of work only hasn't been good for me for some reason. This should be my most productive time, but yet it seems like a struggle. What an odd thing.

I also find the lack of excitement for doing comics has lead me to the idea that I just need to focus on writing. Maybe that is my new salvation. Just write some books. Collect what I've wrote over the years and put it out. Decide if I indeed am any "good" at that. Perhaps to reach beyond myself and what I thought I was capable of. I'm left with the questions like: Can I contribute to the big book of humanity by doing or creating something unique and new? Can I put my experiences out in a book and them be interesting enough to read to a complete stranger? and Can I avoid the trap I found in the comics, where I have to scream loud for someone to even care? I don't know at this point. All I can do is try and hope someone meets me half way.

All I know is that twenty years of doing comics has been very rewarding. But at the end, I released an art book showcasing 20 years of hard work and the orders were small. Very small. It was deflating to an extent. I felt like after my years of hard work, no one cared. Maybe I was creating my own feelings and warmth behind my own history and I was on a journey where only I gave a shit. But then I realized that was true....and its all I needed. I needed to know that I made that work. I created those stories and did it. I see my friends creating their own stuff and it fuels me. They tell me how they look up to me and how they wanted to work and create as much as I have. Outside I was grateful, but inside I was crying, knowing that I was letting them down. Like I had given up on myself. I didn't want to tell them how I felt like I lost my nerve. I told one close friend about how I felt like I lost my edge. And I saw him deflated in his drive to do it himself. I felt bad. (Sorry Robert) I didn't mean to take any wind out of your sails. It is a great thing to create, no matter the outcome. No matter the lust of the result or the fear of failure. To fail is to not do it at all. So please, don't stop.

I've looked at this point, this twenty year mark, as a transition to the next evolution. I know at the end of next year, I will not be doing the same thing. But I also know I am not stopping what I do. Whatever it is that I am doing. I guess I just feel weird to not have the fuel and the drive to do what I used to do. Maybe its that I am getting older. But it certainly aint because I don't care, because I do. Or else I wouldn't have wrote this big long confession for you all to read. The desire to create is far too important to me to ever leave it. I'll be creating something till the day I let this world go.

I do not know what all of this mumbo jumbo I have in my head really means. Perhaps you can sort something out of it. Point is: I'm not stopping. But I am finding it hard to start again. For myself. And I don't exactly know why. And usually that means I need something to spark it back to life. My battery needs a jump. I thought going to Detroit Fanfare might do it for me but it made it worse to some extent. I just need to get the 'Eye of the Tiger' back. And I hope the spark comes soon. Something needs to wake me up. Cause right now I feel like I am in deep REM sleep. I'm comfortably sedated, but I am also very happy feeling this way, and that is what scares me. I don't desire to be this way anymore. I just need to start moving again. I'm shut in and I need to take a long drive and sort my head out.

I'm too comfortable doing nothing and that is a scary feeling to me. I know there is something wrong with me. And I want to fix it.

At least I know that much.

--T