Welcome back my friends. I want to spend today's entry talking about a problem I've been struggling with for the last couple months. Its not exactly procrastination, but just a general feeling of burn out. Or is it? When I've been hired to do work, I do it. But on my own things, I haven't made much progress. I have to force myself, practically chain myself to my desk to get work done. Around Halloween I did the 8 pages I needed to do for the next Mayhem Horror Anthology (which isn't due til January 30th). But I felt like I needed to get it done quickly before I lost the horror mood that was in me. I got it done, but after that, not much else. I did some commissions here and there, but after that: zilch.
I haven't felt excitement for anything comics related for quite a while now. I think its the constant fighting over small things in the industry over social media. Every day theres a new controversy everyone feels they have to weigh in on. I've always maintained a position of just staying out of it and just doing my work. Focus the energy I would spend getting mad about something and just channel it into the work. But every day there's something new to derail me and get me exposed and tired of it all. A new fight. A new skirmish. A new controversy. Not just in comics, but everywhere. I guess I let the weight of the world in too easily. Its hard not to, when you know that you have kids that one day might be effected by the negative things in the world. You feel somewhat guilty and responsible for it. I think also that the comics have evolved into a pop culture item to be celebrated in things like cosplay, TV and movies, and there doesn't seem to be as much focus on the craft and creation of a good story. Artists and writers are easily forgotton and the only things that sell are art prints of characters in the pop culture. Not my own. Not my friends' of his characters. We struggle to tell OUR stories and they fall on deaf ears.
But all of that has nothing to do with ME. I got projects on my stove right now that have me very excited. I make notes in my phone to put in the book I am writing. I write a short story here and there. I do sketches and things for the eventual time when I will just have that night where I can get free and explode into a big night of creativity and production. But it all fizzles around 8pm. I am in bed by 10pm now. Gone are the days where I stay up late, alone, focused on the tasks at hand. I find that I get more joy out of waking up with a solid night of sleep and ready to take on the kids and their various attitudes and needs. Unpredictible as it always is. And any free time I have I am sitting and listening to music, reading a book (not a comic, a BOOK) or just cleaning. I enjoy new cooking recipies. I have been baking bread and loving it. I find more joy in those things. The joy of actual creation has seemed to have dimmed, and I don't know why.
I know what I have to do. I know I want to do it. But when I find a moment to get it going, I cannot start. I tend to think that creativity and actual production needs to flow and come naturally. Usually it happens and I have to stop and leave the "zone" to take care of something. Get the kid a drink, change a diaper, go to sleep, etc. Such is the life of a parent with two young kids, one with autism. Adjusting to the new life of work only hasn't been good for me for some reason. This should be my most productive time, but yet it seems like a struggle. What an odd thing.
I also find the lack of excitement for doing comics has lead me to the idea that I just need to focus on writing. Maybe that is my new salvation. Just write some books. Collect what I've wrote over the years and put it out. Decide if I indeed am any "good" at that. Perhaps to reach beyond myself and what I thought I was capable of. I'm left with the questions like: Can I contribute to the big book of humanity by doing or creating something unique and new? Can I put my experiences out in a book and them be interesting enough to read to a complete stranger? and Can I avoid the trap I found in the comics, where I have to scream loud for someone to even care? I don't know at this point. All I can do is try and hope someone meets me half way.
All I know is that twenty years of doing comics has been very rewarding. But at the end, I released an art book showcasing 20 years of hard work and the orders were small. Very small. It was deflating to an extent. I felt like after my years of hard work, no one cared. Maybe I was creating my own feelings and warmth behind my own history and I was on a journey where only I gave a shit. But then I realized that was true....and its all I needed. I needed to know that I made that work. I created those stories and did it. I see my friends creating their own stuff and it fuels me. They tell me how they look up to me and how they wanted to work and create as much as I have. Outside I was grateful, but inside I was crying, knowing that I was letting them down. Like I had given up on myself. I didn't want to tell them how I felt like I lost my nerve. I told one close friend about how I felt like I lost my edge. And I saw him deflated in his drive to do it himself. I felt bad. (Sorry Robert) I didn't mean to take any wind out of your sails. It is a great thing to create, no matter the outcome. No matter the lust of the result or the fear of failure. To fail is to not do it at all. So please, don't stop.
I've looked at this point, this twenty year mark, as a transition to the next evolution. I know at the end of next year, I will not be doing the same thing. But I also know I am not stopping what I do. Whatever it is that I am doing. I guess I just feel weird to not have the fuel and the drive to do what I used to do. Maybe its that I am getting older. But it certainly aint because I don't care, because I do. Or else I wouldn't have wrote this big long confession for you all to read. The desire to create is far too important to me to ever leave it. I'll be creating something till the day I let this world go.
I do not know what all of this mumbo jumbo I have in my head really means. Perhaps you can sort something out of it. Point is: I'm not stopping. But I am finding it hard to start again. For myself. And I don't exactly know why. And usually that means I need something to spark it back to life. My battery needs a jump. I thought going to Detroit Fanfare might do it for me but it made it worse to some extent. I just need to get the 'Eye of the Tiger' back. And I hope the spark comes soon. Something needs to wake me up. Cause right now I feel like I am in deep REM sleep. I'm comfortably sedated, but I am also very happy feeling this way, and that is what scares me. I don't desire to be this way anymore. I just need to start moving again. I'm shut in and I need to take a long drive and sort my head out.
I'm too comfortable doing nothing and that is a scary feeling to me. I know there is something wrong with me. And I want to fix it.
At least I know that much.
--T
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