Engine at Idle

Hey friends. I finally got to see it. Opening day. My record of seeing a new Star Trek film on opening weekend since 1984 remains intact.

STAR TREK: BEYOND!

To get my full review, listen to the newest episode of the Idiothead Morning Show, downloadable via Itunes or stream it right HERE

I'm one month off of soda and man does that feel good! I also quit all forms of caffeine for over three weeks now. I had a bunch of withdrawal symptoms from being light-headed, panic attack feeling, dizziness, headaches, irritability... but all that is gone now. Drinking lots of water and moving along. I haven't picked up many good habits beyond that, but I will slowly start doing that. A couple of months ago I didn't think quitting soda again would be possible, but it has occurred. I'm not even slightly tempted to miss it at all. Moving forward.

Sometimes I want to give up and just be comfortable being the fat guy that I currently am. But I get depressed when I want to go clothes shopping. Or I can't fit in a restaurant booth. My self perception is that I am not that far gone but then I see a pic or a mirror, I'm like.. "Who is that?"

I am ashamed I dropped almost 60 pounds and gained it all back. I can't stop beating myself up for it. I have every reason to be so disgusted with myself that I would want to work hard to change it for good and raise my living stats. But I don't. The fire isn't there. My engine is at idle on change.

I'm angered and frustrated over the current political situation. The shady undercutting of Bernie Sanders really has me disenfranchised by the whole thing. The idea that Trump could possibly be our president. Its all scary to me. And easily helping my depression along. 

I have a pile of work on me. Self imposed and hired work. Deadlines aren't looming but they are coming. I used to work hard and beat each one. Now I just sit and wish they were done already. I can't get the engine started to get going. I enjoy it when I finally do get going, but until then, I sit idle. Doing nothing. What is it going to take to get the ignition started and get this train rolling down the tracks again?

I think its just that a lot is on my mind. In one month, I move again. 70% of my stuff is all packed up. There are piles of stuff here that need to be sorted and moved and I can't do it yet. Too soon. Too early to get things progressed on that. And even after I move, I move again a year later. I'm sick to death of moving. It accomplishes a greater good and I should be enjoying the ride, but I'm not. All I can think about is what I can't do around it.

San Diego Comic Con was this weekend. As much as I am completely burned out on comic cons, I still desire to go out and be a part of it again there. Just for the travel and vacation. I'm addicted to this online youtube channel, ADAM THE WOO and his DAILY WOO channel. He travels and does vlogs about various places he's been. He's out LIVING HIS LIFE. I'm sitting idle. Stressed and punching myself into the ground. I have plans galore. But the drive is waning day to day. Some days I feel like I'm on and kicking ass again, but majority its just sitting here. I don't know why I can't get rolling like I used to. I hate it.

I think the clutter around me is cluttering my mind. So much to do. So much waiting to get done and I can't just yet. I just need a change of surroundings and progress to get rolling. Takes two things: TIME and PROGRESS. One is my job. I can't move time but I can move progress forward. Let's hope I get the machine in gear soon. Just good thing I got plenty of gas.

Lots of miles to go though. On a lot of things.

Have a great week my friends. Thanks for reading.

T

P.s. I thought a blog was for entertainment!?!?! Sorry it seems so down and depressing. But hey, I'm alive, aware.... and that's something.