I'm Trying To

Hey friends.

Last time I posted an inspirational post called "I'm Ready to." But today is another day and the roller coaster that is my life has me back down low. So I've titled this one: "I'm TRYING to." And I am. I'm trying the best I can with what I got.

As much as I am ready to face everything ahead, I'm still struggling. I fell off the dieting train this week. No gym, bad food but still no soda. There is that. I just had a bad couple of days. A bunch of drama and other stuff. I'm just feeling really beat down. Yesterday I was practically useless. I'm working the day shift for a week at the day job while my partner is on vacation this week and part of next. So my sleep is kinda out of wack. I got a million things to do before next week Saturday and no time table as to when I can get them done. A bunch of minor things but they keep piling up. No rest for the wicked.

I'm down on myself a lot as of late. Sometimes my stitches break. One day I feel like I'm barely holding on. Other days I feel stronger. Maybe I need more therapy. I'm not sure.

This week I'm working day shift and my friend isn't there. I keep looking behind me and he's gone. I'll joke with my co-workers and start to turn toward Caleb's desk to get him in on the joke before I stop myself and think, "Oh yeah." Its gonna be that way for a long time. This weekend is the funeral. Some closure perhaps. But then those of us left behind have to scramble a life together from the pieces. I'm sure I'll be fine. But my thoughts resonate with those closest to him. I just simply ache from how they must feel. Because I know how I feel, and that is not even a tenth of what they feel.

So I haven't been feeling normal. I haven't tried as hard as I should with my life changes. For every two steps forward I take, I get pushed back four more. Bills from my old life pop up and haunt me. I can never get clear of it. I can never get ahead. I so badly want to finish building my life but the bricks get knocked down so easily. So yeah, start again. Keep going. But after a while, I sink and sulk. Its all too much sometimes.

Tonight, I spent some time with my art. After a much needed nap, I scanned all the pages I have done for Starslam 3, as well as some other stuff. I worked on the files, cleaning them up digitally and just making adjustments here and there, getting them ready for coloring. They look good and quite promising. No idea when the book will be completed. But I'm trying as hard as I can to keep progressing.

Its me I'm fighting with. It's all me. I don't know why I feel the struggle so passionately. I don't know why I feel so angry and sad. I'm sure its everything... and nothing all at once. The constant roller coaster I put my mind through. It never ends and I'm the only one on the ride.

The tide changes. This week I found out that my only monthly comic read is going away in a year. So thus ends many years of solid reading. No new books interest me. I only buy books if people I know are on them. Nothing tickles me anymore. Its a shitty feeling. But at least I'll have an extra $4 a month. But I hope I don't spend it on double cheeseburgers.

Some days I want to lose weight so badly and be able to actually shop for clothes in regular stores. Instead of wearing the same pants and rotation of 15 shirts over and over. But then the next I'm like, "fuck it" and just give up. But I'm trying to, folks. I'm wrestling with that demon. I haven't given up completely. Its round 8, and I'm on the ropes, but I am still standing. Somehow I've survived up til now. I don't hate my life, but I certainly have lost value in it sometimes.

I don't know what I need. Maybe a fresh start. Certainly some peace. I'm hoping after we move to East Lansing I can slowly unpack my stuff and just learn to breathe better. I can get into a rhythm at the gym. I can live easier. I can get to work on my stuff. I can finish all the things I want to finish. I'm going to try, friends. As always, I am trying to.

A puppet once said: "Do or do not, there is no try." Let me work on myself to turn this TRY into DO. We all need to work on that, don't we?

--T