The Work Continues

I didn't think I'd blog again this week, but I am. Seems like its my only outlet sometimes. I have so much to do, so little time and the clock is ticking.

Today has come a day I have been dreading. I'm going to a funeral for a friend. I know I will cry. I know it will hurt. I'd rather get 10 teeth pulled without pain drugs than to face this, but I have to. Its hard to truly express my sorrow and anger at this moment. If you've heard any of my latest podcasts you can hear it in my voice. I know he wouldn't want me to feel any of these things. But one thing I've learned about grief of any kind is that you have to let yourself feel it. You cannot run from it. Getting it out in any form is a good thing.

Today will be a demonstration of the two extremes one can face in life. First a funeral for a dear friend, and then going to a wedding for my girl's friend that she is in. Death and new life, all in the same day. This morning, the bride is getting ready and she's excited for her life ahead. Meanwhile at my work, Caleb's cubicle is cleaned out. His loved ones are preparing to gather to say bye (for now) to him.

It's all so surreal when you reflect on it. Love and death, its all a part of this existence that we dwell in. The ride goes too fast. You want to get off it and take it in once in a while, but sometimes you just don't have the time. Maybe indeed, time is the fire in which we burn. (Star Trek reference there, for those who care about such things)

As for me, life will move on. One week from today I'll be packing a truck full of my things and taking it 22 miles East to my new temporary home in East Lansing. Back to the same apartment complex as I was in over a year ago during my divorce. I liked the place well enough to go back. In the end, it was a poor decision but one I had to make. Because in a year I have to move again back to this area for my kids. So it goes. At least I got a free deposit out of it and the rent is decent. The place is smaller, but it will do. And I am sure I will make some good memories there again. As opposed to last time when I was crying everyday and barely getting any sleep between the two jobs I had to work to rebuild my life. But I survived that.

I will have one year there to get my life on track. There are several things to focus on: Artworking, Diet, Exercise, Mental Health, Finances, My Relationship, etc. So much "adulting" to do. The big questions must be tackled and wrestled down to the mat. The time to truly "get busy living or get busy dying." A lot rides on the next year of my life. Its a transition, that is for sure.

I'm going over there to live my life as best I can. I hopefully transition to the better "me," whatever that means. Because in a year, I'll get my kids back living with me like it was. Well, what it WILL be. A new normal for them. I'll get to feel like a full time dad again. I'll find a new rhythm of life and try to be great at it. While around me, the craziness of the world keeps ranting and raving.

But in the end, I'm still me. I will hang my new movie posters and a picture of my friend on my wall. I will reorganize my Cds, Games, Vinyl, Comics, DVD and Blu-ray collection for myself. My prized possessions. Oh, and some of my nerdy toys too. All of it proudly on display next to my books and art. I'll make room for my girl's things and she gets to find a new normal for herself as she decorates her first home with me. Those will be happy things. I look forward to it.

Of course right now, mentally, I'm a mess. So, I spent time with myself last night just listening to old podcasts from eight years ago. All my old comic friends in my head as I picked up a pencil again finally. I was gifted with seven pencilled pages. I made borders and inked some of them partially. Pages for Starslam 3. Secret Project. Etc.  While I drew, the thoughts of everything going on left me and I was just in the work. The pages came out great. You'll see them one day soon. The work continues.

That's what I gotta keep reminding myself. Tragedy and sorrow is not the end of the story. Especially Caleb's story. Yeah, it sucked what happened, and it will suck for a long time. But we will get through it. Because life does continue. And taking on his best traits and remembering his spirit we live on and become better people. We still retain who we are and we do evolve and grow. We stand up to tragedy and face everything thrown at us. It's our best trait as humans. Our will is strong and it gets stronger as we carry those we love with us. Its like the Quickening in Highlander. We get stronger to defeat what's next. And the work continues.

Today I will feel sadness. But I will also feel joy for those two lovebirds who will tie the knot. I will come home and spend time with my girl. And tomorrow I will get my boys and hug them tight. And pack a box or two, to get ready for next weekend.

...and maybe I'll find time to pick up the pencil again. Because the work will continue.

Onward and upward,

T