Its coming up behind me again. I can feel it. I don't want it, but its coming fast.
It seems like all this year I've been fighting goddamn depression. I've seen therapists. I've tried meditation and relaxation podcasts. I've tried to revert to things I used to listen to and think about when I was younger. Some days I feel much better and feel like, "I'M BACK!" But most I'm just sitting and it feels like I am waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
I'm tired from stress and shit going on around me. Politics. Threat of nuclear war. Pop culture BS. Idiots still not waking up and listening to reason. Down to the fact that I stubbed my toe this morning. It all falls into a big mental soup that I'm trying to gulp down. But its pissing me off.
I think about all I have to do and how most of it I cannot do yet because of this or that reason. Even if I had a vacation, I don't know what I would do with myself. Probably do what I always do when I have a day off... nothing. Just sit and do nothing. Waste time online or something.
Three of my friends bought and moved into new houses this week. I envy them greatly and am so happy for them. They deserve it! Its happiness I wish I could have myself. But I likely won't. Still, I can relate to their joy. Its awesome news!
Another friend is getting ready to have their first baby. They've been renovating their house (nesting) to get ready for its arrival. It reminds me of when I went through all of that. It makes me happy for them. They got so much joy coming. And I know nothing will dampen that joy or steal it from them. Its great to see!
My depression is a combo of many things. Past, present, future all collides in my brain. Mostly its present and future shit I am taking on. I am trying so hard to BE HERE NOW and sometimes I am. Sometimes my actions can be pure and I can joke around again. But inside I am screaming. Inside I am crying. Inside I am creative and it needs to burst out of me. I just need the breakthrough.
Man, I've been this way all year. What the fuck is my problem?
All I know is that I am tired. Of this and everything else. One line from a movie circles my head over and over. It haunts me and stuns me into fear.
"What if this is as good as it gets?"
What I gotta decide is if that is enough or can I strive for more? I can finish what I need to finish. But can I grow beyond it? Who the fuck knows. And I got less shit on my plate then other people I know, so what am I whining about?
That is the circle in my head. Anyway, thanks for reading. Onward.
--Much Love, T
p.s. At least I got a close friend coming this weekend to drink booze with me. That might be EXACTLY what I need.