Sunday, October 15, 2017

Late Night Thoughts.

Hello friends. Its 1am. Ive had my kids all weekend. Haven’t had much time for artworking,, blogging or other creative things. And that is okay. But I thought I would throw together a list of random thoughts that are keeping me awake tonight. Its my brain and what it puts me through. Here we go...

—I took my youngest to his first play date/bday party this weekend. It was awkward for me. Everyone had big new cars, high paying jobs and the house was huge. Usually that makes me feel very small and worthless but this time I didn’t care. I chatted happily when I was spoken to, which was not much. I mostly watched my kid play and sat on a couch nearby reading a book on my phone. I heard people around me having the dumbest amount of small talk and I was very thankful I wasnt subjected to a very fake and forced conversation. All the kids ran around and screamed but bnot my child. He played with some toys quietly. He was very well behaved. Later upstairs he was eating a cupcake alone and the grandma of the birthday boy came over to talk to him. And James kept making jokes. He’s just like me in many ways. He doesnt like casual conversation. People cannot handle that, so they leave awkwardly. It was funny. I left there and got him some stuff at a disc store nearby. Proud of that boy.

—At the same time Im proud of him, he has a massive streak on about lying. He’ll break something and then say he doesnt know how it happened. Usually I have to force the truth out of him and then I don’t punish him for what he did. I have enough liars in my life, I dont need to raise another one. Sometimes, I just want the goddamn truth. I hope I can break him of the habit. He is five.

—the success of my EROTIC ZONE kickstarter is so far so good. With what Ive earned so far, the bills and shipping costs are paid. Not much extra surplus yet. Seems printing costs have risen in the last few years. But that is okay. Im proud of the book and we still got twenty days to make it snowball into some more success. I get antsy about these things because the numbers are so “public.” There is a perception there. Also after the smoke clears, you got a nice book but no money left over. You start to think things like “why am I bothering and stressing over this thing, which ends up selling good but the money isnt there?” Then you start to look around and blame people. “I got X amount of followers on this and that so why arent the numbers bigger?” But in the end you just blame yourself. 

I am VERY proud of every book I do. It doesnt matter in the end what sells to me. the book on my shelf is award enough. I didnt get into doing books to get rich. And with every new one that comes out, I gain new and more followers and fans. Im grateful for them and for the overall experience.

You cannot get into the game of the numbers. I get off on the struggle. As a northerner, I am a trained snowshoveler. When we want to get to something, we have to physically move things to get to it. We are doers. We dont walk outside everyday to a nice fresh weather day. We gotta make ithappen when what we got. I also know that I am not using my art and writing as a stepping stone to get to somewhere else. This is it. Im just taking my own stuff as far as I can take it. And it comes from a pure, honest place. Raw and in the moment. There is a strength in that and strength in being open amd vulnerable. So I am grateful for any attention my little world recieves. True appreciation. Tha k you. 

—There are a few exciting dates coming up, plus holidays. But I know that I am on the beginning part of a long five month overtime binge at the day job. The money will be good and I could sure use it (couldnt we all!!!) so it will be nice. But exhaustion does set in. I hope I can stay sane throughout it.

—My heart aches for some dear friends whose newborn is having great difficulty. It was just placed on an ECMO machine for his little heart. I would give anything for that baby to wake up tomorrow and have it be okay. If prayer truly is the last refuge of the scoundrel, then prayer is all I have to give. A punchers chance of hope that the universe is indeed perhaps guided and something can step in and provide a miracle that we always read about. I want so badly for it to be true. So badly.

—The world is insane. Hurricanes, Mass shootings, fires, death and golfing. Our leaders are loudmouth failures. And we point and blame each other, never seeing that we should be one and DOING SOMETHING.... but no, we got our beautiful distractions. Its all going to be okay, right?

—The #metoo sexual harassment online discussion is absolutely heartbreaking. To know howany of my friends and aquaintances have dealt with bullshit and secret wars I knew nothing about. Heartbreaking.

—I have given up on STAR TREK DISCOVERY and am instead enjoying THE ORVILLE and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM season 9.  Current bands on my playlist: THE DOORS, PUSCIFER, TOM PETTY and the STP CORE 25th anniversary box set. Currently reading a PEARL JAM Rolling Stone compilation and Maynard James Keenan’s autobiography from 2016.

—I worry about my dad’s health. I miss him so much. My brother might have cancer. My cousin is still having a rough time with his illness. So much going on with my family.
Well, a couple more weeks of hard work to go and I’ll get a nice night out. Looking forward to it. Til then, its time to sharpen my pencil, sketch when I can, write when I can, ink pages when I can and make it happen. Its up to me, good or bad. My own corner of the world, its my job to keep it sane.

...anyway, that is what is on my mind tonight. Have a good week. I know I will try to. Its like that scene in WILLOW when Elora was taken and Willow is crying and it seems hopeless. Madmardigan just says “lets ride!” Like its the only option not to despair. So I won’t. Lets ride. 

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