Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Its Ok

Re~reading the last blog post, its a bit of a downer. It certainly was a pit of despair and I wanted to post a follow~up to everyone. It was not my intent to sound so angry and frustrated with things. I was having a bad day. When I dont have the rhythm, I feel definite frustration. To be fair, I spent a whole almost two weeks sick. Then my GF got sick. Things just spiraled and every bad thing in my life got amplified. In the moment, I was honest.

Today, I am better. In fact, the night after I posted the last blog, I got some work done. I word ballooned the first 25 pages of STARSLAM 3, made In Design layouts for all the completed pages I have for the Patreon. I pulled reference for the new Star Wars card set I am on. So really, I just needed to get the gunk out of my head and admit how afraid I was, in order to clear the palate. I needed it to get out of my own way.

Failure? Essentially the question for myself is: Failure at WHAT? Nothing stops me from just doing what I do and if even one person reads it, its a bonus. Measuring myself according to this number or that number does nothing. In the end, my art has always been about me. I really have let the outside world into my head too much. The anger and snarkiness of the wicked world has seeped in and I let it beat me down. Everyday I am presented with assholeism... either online or even driving to my day job. But these are anonymous assholes. If we were face to face and not behind the anonymity of a keyboard/avatar or a cold car, they wouldn't be that way to me, a fellow human being. I gotta believe that. And when I read the bad news online, I always have to remember, that is THEIR fight.... not mine. I must pay it no mind and not let it into my head.

So here I am, back in my little world. The ranting and despair leaves my brain and I sit alone. The only thing left before me is the blank page. The curser blinks. The pencils are sharpened, waiting. The smell of ink drying in my pen taunts me.

NEXT PAGE.

NEXT PAGE.

Truthfully, it excites me. Because I know nothing else. Art has always been there for me in my darkest times. It will be there for me in some form for the rest of my days. I will never leave it. Never. I have a hard time turning my back on things that mean something to me. And Art is at the top of that list.

Today, I read the final issue of my favorite modern comic: INVINCIBLE. It was released this morning and with that ends a couple decades of solid reading. Now, thanks to it finishing its run, I dont have anything on a pull list. Most of my old favorite writers and artists arent doing new stuff. Oh I pick up a new book every now and then from a random artist or writer, but not much. I cannot tell you the last time I walked into a comic book store. In fact, my favorite comic book store in town here recently did a management change and let go all the people there I liked and considered friends when I walked in. So it ends.

But yet it begins. Because there are stories and drawings in my head I want to do. And I am going to finish them all and publish them online or some in a small print run. I will finish everything I planned. I promise that to you, of course, but mainly to myself. Because I can and it is what I want.

This week I got my blank cards for the next Star Wars set. I am excited to work on them, honestly. Last night at work, I came up with a couple new scenes I can squeeze into Pleasant Life 2. All of these things will happen. I just gotta get free and find a rhythm again. I will. I know I will.

So, its ok. Im ok. You are ok. Onward and upward.

We good?

~T

BTW, my newest STAR WARS RETURN CARDS are available!! Email me at phymns@yahoo.com if interested! Have a look:




2 comments:

Chris Calderon said...

Well, you're writing some great honest stuff here. I can understand your pain. The world seems to want dumb mundane things and it seems like it can rarely take a chance on anything else let alone give it value. All I can say as a fellow artist is, do a body of work you cam be proud of. It has to be done because we feel it in out bones. Our characters stand behind us urging us on. They don't care that we gotta eat or pay the bills, they won't rest. I like to think their voices keep us going and keep us alive.

Caleb & Jen said...

Stephen King said that when he had his big scare and almost died, his biggest regret was that he had never finished writing Dark Tower. Even if you kick out tons of work that the world loves, nothing will leave you fulfilled like being true to your heart and writing the work that YOU really want to do, regardless of what other people claim they want to see.

Be true to yourself, and to your characters. The only world that matters is the one you're creating.