Well, now that I am mostly on the mend from my week long sickness, my girlfriend now has it worse. She has what I had, coupled with a bad sore throat and other ailments. Im at home taking care of her this weekend. I had planned to go to a new convention called ASTRONOMICON to see some old friends and finally meet a modern hero of mine: James Rolfe... (AKA the Angry Video Game Nerd). But the snow had other plans for both of us. James cancelled and so did I. So it goes. I dont mind being stuck at home for once. I felt like I should be productive. So far today, I havent. I finished off THE ORVILLE, restrung my new acoustic guitar and cooked food and ran errands for my sick girlfriend.
Now my attention turns to the thing that I keep dreading.... the inevitable point of no return.
Ive mentioned it back in December and I reiterate it now: Everything here will cease. The blog and store will close. The Podcast has already ran its last episode. Everything is waiting for me to jump it all over to PATREON and start the launch. I had planned on it being January 30th but that didnt happen. Then I felt like Valentines Day would be good. But I wont be ready. So now its in March. OF course, I will announce it here, when it happens.
To be honest, this has been in my brain a long time. Two years in fact. I was going to pull the trigger on it last year, but I had the carpal tunnel scare. I shelved it and contemplated retirement. (whatever the hell that means) But I got better. Now I am forced to make a decision. Dedicate myself to the plan or scrap it and fade away.
Im scared, honestly. Im scared that this might be the final stage of the failure of what I have sought all my life. All I wanted was for my work to sustain itself financially. It has not. Sure, I have self published for almost 25 years, met great friends, travelled all over the United States and entertained God knows how many people. But my work has always been free and very accessible. Now it all goes behind a paywall... in a world where everyone is begging you for your pocket change. Im about to do the same. I hate monetizing my work. I really do. But I have to. I know I have to.
And.... I know I deserve to. Ive earned the chance to ask. I think the work I want to do is worth asking people to pay for it. I know Ive cultivated the audience to give it a shot. I know there are new people willing to pay their hard earned to support the work because they WANT to. I know I can reach more people than I have been able to on my own.
I know all of this. But still I am scared. Im scared I will fail. I am scared that what I offer will not be enough. I am scared of leaving the (old ways) behind once and for all. Im scared I will run out of time. Im scared no one will give a shit, but me.
Its people like James Rolfe and other artists who have been successful at the Patreon and their other personal en devours that fuel me and make me want to take the shot. I know I will always have to work a day job to make ends meet. The dream itself is not over. But the fear will always remain. And with it comes the shame. I let my dreams fade with everything that has happened and now I dont honestly know what I want anymore.
Some days I am so driven to finish STARSLAM 3 and get PLEASANT LIFE 2 done. To record new music and write my novels that I always talk about. But then the next day to just not give a shit about any of it. Id rather just draw STAR WARS cards and not think about my own shit. My motivation goes right out the door. I have no rhythm and no desire to continue.
Honestly, what is the matter with me? I do not have a clue.
But here I am being honest. I'm excited and scared. I'm fueled but bone dry. Maybe its the weather and sickness that has me down. Maybe its the rat race and no day off except when I am sick as fuck. Maybe its the lack of vacation or alone time. Maybe its the confined space of my small apartment. I don't know. I wish I did. There are so many things on my mind. Wants, desires, failures and fears.
Well, none of this is new. Almost all of my 17,000 blog posts here at Idiothead.com have reitereated that same feeling over and over. Maybe someday I will have it figured out.