Of Dreams Broken and Mountains To Climb

Yesterday I felt very gutted. Very hurt and empty. As yet another dream was denied me. I went for a consultation to get a mortgage for a house and it was declined. The dude worked with me for a long while. We tried resuscitating the dream, trying to make it live. We crunched the numbers and we went about every scenario possible, but alas, it just isn't going to line up.

...For now.

There is too much from my past holding me back. I pay too much in child support. I got a mountain in unpaid college loans. A few other things, mostly related to a previous relationship. In the end, it is what it is. And the dreams I've been having of getting my own place, mowing my own lawn, space for my kids, myself and a future investment for my kids is just not going to happen.

...For now.

In order for it to eventually happen, I'm standing at the base of a mountain. I'm just standing there, staring up at it. No climbing gear. Wondering if I should even bother to start climbing it.

I've been in this position before in my life. You see, owning my own home has been a dream of mine all my life. I have lived in over 17 different apartments. Yes, 17. I have moved a total of 32 times as well. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of not owning what and where I live. I got a pile of stuff in boxes for "one day I can have it at my house." No room to use it or display it. I constantly scan websites of interior design and decorating that I could do in this dream home. But along the way, my life and the damage that has happened has held that dream back and apparently will continue to do so.

Like I said, I've been in this position before. Staring up at a mountain of a dream. I climb and then slide off. Failure. I've had many dreams in my life but usually they don't pan out the way I want them to. We cannot control everything in the world and we cannot make things line up exactly how we want it to. So it goes. It is what it is. And we pat ourselves on the back and say "well, at least I tried."

Yesterday I didn't feel like patting myself on the back. "Good try, next time," I'd say. No. I felt like crawling inside myself and screaming: "THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You should have tried harder in school. You shoulda paid on those loans. You shoulda saw what happened to you coming. You shoulda, you shoulda, you shoulda..." I'm very good at taking on blame that usually isn't mine. It might be the trait I excel at the most.

There are ways to make the dream happen. But I'm hyper aware of the clock ticking behind me. And after so many shattered dreams from my past now haunting me, I am scared to climb up again. Another dream gone. So maybe I should settle. Maybe I should be happy with what I got. Maybe I got just enough and I don't need anything else. Maybe I'm just jealous of others who got it and I don't. etc. etc. etc. After all, maybe I should listen to Tom Waits... and this song that I listened to yesterday:

House Where Nobody Lives

There's a house on my block
that's abandoned and cold
Folks moved out of it a
long time ago
and they took all their things
and they never came back
Looks like it's haunted
with the windows all cracked
and everyone calls it
the house, the house where
nobody lives.

Once it held laughter
Once it held dreams
Did they throw it away
Did they know what it means
Did someone's heart break
or did someone do somebody wrong?

Well the paint was all cracked
It was peeled off of the wood
Papers were stacked on the porch
where I stood
and the weeds had grown up
just as high as the door
There were birds in the chimney
and an old chest of drawers
Looks like no one will ever
come back to the
House where nobody lives

So if you find someone
someone to have, someone to hold
Don't trade it for silver
Don't trade it for gold
I have all of life's treasures
and they are fine and they are good
They remind me that houses
Are just made of wood
What makes a house grand
Ain't the roof or the doors
If there's love in a house
It's a palace for sure
Without love
It ain't nothin but a house
A house where nobody lives

So yes, maybe this dream slips away... for now. Maybe I will climb the mountain and get rid of all that holds me back and achieve the dream. I got a few other mountains staring at me too. I'm stuck in the valley looking up at all of them. No climbing gear. No tent to rest in. Just me. So do I have the will to walk up to one and get it going? Or to start chopping it down with the edge of my hand, like Jimi Hendrix said? Good question. 

Let's find out...

--T

My Dream Home

This is the most unrelated to comics, music or anything blog I have wrote on here in a while. Its about my own dreams and desires of owning a home. For years I've been against the idea. To think to have to pay taxes, do yardwork, etc... just NEVER appealed to me. But the reality of paying a rediculous amount in rent over the years and nothing to show for it kind of bugs me. It would be ideal to have to some place to call my own, and something to leave the kids when I go. Plus, I've always dreamed of building my own little private "Xanadu" that I'd never leave because it was so awesome there.

Renting sucks. You cannot renovate or paint things how you want. It sort of never feels like "home." Well, the wife and I decided a couple years ago that owning a home would be a great goal to have. And ever since I became addicted to house hunting shows on tv and looking up home decorating ideas.

Admittedly, a lot of the pics and plans I see never have my style in mind. But every now and then I see some idea for home decoration that really jazzes me up. I thought I'd share some of the pics I keep in a special folder that I hope to possibly one day implement in a home of my own. My DREAM HOME, if you like.

I LOVE this bedroom. Really makes you feel saucy, eh? I don't know if its right for me, but I love the velvets and darker tones. Thats a place where I could get some business done! I love color combos of red/blacks or blacks/purples/pinks... as you'll see as we move on.

This is an ideal office for making funny books and writing. All nicely organized and a black/white scheme to fit with "comics." Original art on the wall. Artbooks everywhere and a nice sturdy table to work on. Peaceful.

As I said I LOVE Purples/blacks. Silvers go good with it too. I love this room!

More of it. Tell me that velvet wallpaper isn't super dope as fuck!

In my dream home, I want a big livable basement. I'd love a media room of sorts, with game tables, pinball and a couple standup arcade games. Maybe a jukebox. Some place I'd never want to leave. Obviously me being a hardcore old school gamer, that would have to represent too. I could paint one wall something like this. That would be awesome!

This is perfect! HUGE couch, a bar to set up and watch the game at. I'd watch EVERYTHING here.

More traditional, but I love the idea of this book reading spot. Maybe some place to take a nap or daydream.

One major part of a potential home is how to display my collectibles. This person has the right idea! (I'm soooooo jealous of some of this person's aquirements!)

Another bedroom with the same colors I dig. Dig that satin and velvet on the bed! I'd never get out of bed.

A great idea for a gaming table to bring friends over to enjoy the game while we play poker or Cards Against Humanity. Or D&D or a classic board game with the family. That would be great! Again, love the purple!

This bedroom would NEVER happen in a million years for me but still I think its the most beautiful thing ever. I'd be scared that the glass would crack in the night. Haven't people seen Jaws 3???? Also, you'd be doing the nasty and look over and a fish would be watching you. That would be weird.

Lastly another living room idea. If I had a castle, I'd sooooo do this. I like the purple/grey tones to the book case. Really a neat idea.