Dec 22nd. A Poem from an upcoming book

Some of you might recall that every December, I do some posts about my mom and her passing on the 22nd. Usually each year I do something to mark the occasion and this year is no exception.

I am going to share with you a poem I wrote back then and only finished recently. Its going to be included in a book of short stories and poems that I have wrote over the years that I am hoping comes out this next year. No title yet, but I am collecting it all and writing some new material for it. I am hoping it is my first published novel of this type, and then I shall finish the other ones I have on my plate. I guess you can say I've been writing this book all my life as there's stuff back there from a long time ago!

Anyway, here is a poem that will be in the book that I started back in 2005 and finished in time for this book. and its about my mother. Enjoy:

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“Mother” (Started in 2005/Finished in 2013)

She closed her eyes

I never saw it.

Why would I want to?

She’s still alive in the back of my mind, you know?

Crocheting, napping and creating. Watching QVC. Taping her soaps.

Despite what the papers say, no, my mother never went away.

I pick up the phone to call

Then remember she’s not there.

Man I wish I could talk to her now. I need some advice. I fucked up big time. I need to hear you say it alright and it will get better. But you’re not there.

Despite what I think and say, my mother did go away.

Buildings shake and planes crash them down.

It’s a world changed and I’m glad you didn’t know about it.

Your favorite actor died yesterday. I wish I could quote you Monty Python again.

I saw an awesome movie and I thought about you again.

Despite what I want and feel, my mother did go away.

You never knew what I grew to be.

You never met my sons.

You never got to meet my wife. Man you woulda got along.

I have a tape of you. Three minutes of footage. I can’t get through watching it without tearing up. Like we did every time Spock died.

Despite what I think and say, my mother did go away.

Dad has remarried. She’s great to know.

Never tried to replace you. But your influence still lingers.

You’ll never be forgotten. You’re always brought up.

I can’t get gas anymore without getting a receipt because you told me to. And its silly to keep asking and waiting for it. But if I don’t, its like I’ve let you go finally.

Despite what I think and say, my mother did go away.

I’ve done great things.

I’ve made a great life.

I wish you coulda hung around longer to have been a part of it.

I feel robbed sometimes, but then truly blessed. Some people I know never had a mom, especially one as great as you were. And you’re with me still. I can talk to you whenever I want to. Even now, as I write this, I am .

Despite what they all say, my mother never went away.

You’re alive again. I don’t have to visit your grave.

You’re in my head. You’re in my hands.

My heart is here because you willed it into existence.

Thank you for all you did and will continue to do. I’ll unlock more about you as I go on through this life. I’ll never forget you. Not in a trillion lifetimes.

I watched “A Lion in Winter” the other day, just because of you. I saw Paul McCartney and cried, wishing I could tell you what it meant to me. You showed me the Beatles. You showed me the Godfather when I was six. Never protected me from the truth. Thanks for not bullshitting me, ever.

I’m closer to you now even though you are not here. I cannot hug you. But I can still love you.  Despite what I remember that happened, and all that came after, my mother never will go away.

--T