Its been a bit since I posted a blog. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know where this one is going to go. But I'm reporting for duty with another post, as I don't let a week go by without a new one for you. My brain and heart are screaming out so much, but the words are not forming. Too much to say and too much going on, with no filter in-between.
To start with the positives: I got my small order of TALES FROM THE GORE back from the printer. It will still be another week and a half before I get the Kickstarter funds deposited into my account for me to place the big order and get mailing supplies. I've contacted the donors to get info on what they want drawn on their commissions. I will be getting with Olya this weekend to give her the assignments and getting things rolling on her end. Again, I cannot thank those who supported the project enough.
I'm looking forward to my vacation to Horrorhound this month. It is sorely needed. I'm working hard and saving funds for the trip. We're all going for fun times and therapy.
Speaking of therapy, mine continues. I learned some facts during my session this week that I guess I am farther along the spectrum on some things than I thought. Like how bad I am when I get down. Its bad, folks. And the stats are scary. I was floored when I heard them. I honestly don't know what to think. I knew I was bad but I didn't think I was THAT bad. I had a couple good cries yesterday as I tried to process what it meant. Basically I'm a walking time bomb. For as much as I think I have it together, I don't. I tried to think "well maybe he fudged the numbers to keep me as a client." But I don't think so. Other therapists I know say "You are not the test." That it simply talks about the things in that stat spectrum.
I'm trying to think that way but honestly I'm scared of it.
And Myself. I'm scared of myself.
Any simple thing makes me spiral anymore. I'm not productive like I used to be. I've gained 75 pounds over the course of a year. Everyone is fighting and not convincing anyone for change. Nothing seems positive and all around is pain. Everything sounds like a fucking Cure song. And inside I sound like a Pantera album. I just want to run, scream and cry and smile all at once. There is a war inside my head 24/7. Its bad, folks.
BUT- I've tried to adopt a new philosphy this past week: "BE HERE NOW." Its the title of an Oasis album, so its easy for me to remember. BE HERE NOW. So whenever my mind drifts to stupid shit I did in kindergarten, all the way to the dumb thing I forgot to do yesterday and my mind starts to punch itself, I say BE HERE NOW. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the tornado takes off too fast and I spiral and the tears come. But its a place to start. This last weekend I had my boys and I had a great visit with them. I played with James constantly instead of needing a break and some quiet to calm my mind. (which is when he gets into mischief) We laid together and watched cartoons. I was just THERE. NOW.
When my mind drifts to the anger, I say it: BE HERE NOW. I'm working it into my life, slowly. I also making some time for things to bring happiness. Things to look forward to. I'm going to two concerts this year. Roger Waters and the Neal Morse Band. I made plans to visit my best friend, whom I haven't hung out with like we used to in years. Its overdue. I'm making plans to see my dad down south. Minor plans to just go and do things that help me get away and focus. My own private therapy.
There are certain triggers and things that I will need to get through and wrestle down. It will be a lifelong journey. But I promise you guys that despite all this, the work will continue. I will finish Starslam 3 and Pleasant Life 2. I will post podcasts, blogs and vlogs. I will finish my novels and get them out into the world. I'm not romantic about the "tortured artist" personae. But I guess that is what I am, for now. Maybe forever. But I don't want my story to end in such a way where I am pitied, in that I couldn't silence my demons. I cannot let these things take me over. I will stand. I will prevail. Every day. Every second. I am HERE, NOW...
...And you can't get rid of me.
--T
1 comment:
The only thing I can relate is a bit of advice I got when I went through some counseling a few years back myself. I was diagnosed with this Adjustment Disorder and some social anxiety stuff that was labeled as really crippling. I took it really hard.
My Doctor, who was a pretty cool guy, told me something that stuck with me. "The diagnosis changes nothing. Knowing what's going on does not make things worse. It does not make things better. It just identifies it. It's like having a warning light in your car. If the car makes a weird rattling noise, you know that something is wrong. When the Water Pump light comes on, you know that the water pump is what is causing that problem. But when that Water Pump light comes on, it doesn't mean that the problem is any different than what it was before; it just means that now you know what the problem is, and you can start to do something about it."
That's us as people. When we have problems, those problems are a part of us. We do not stick our heads into the sand and pretend as though, because we don't know what the problem is, everything must be fine. We can tell when things are off. Having a better understanding of what is wrong, having more information, gives us more power. Now is not a time to feel helpless; now is a time to feel empowered, because with this new information, you are that much better prepared to face the challenges the future may hold for you.
When my social anxiety gets really badly, I hide behind the internet. And when my adjustment disorder makes me want to shut down and entirely fail to cope, I write. But understanding what is going on with me helps me to find ways to cope, instead of wandering in the darkness with no idea what comes next.
Post a Comment