Bachelor Weekend

Hey friends.

Kitty-D has been out of town since early Friday morning and so I have been solo. I've managed to keep the house clean (I even did some sorting!), I dealt with some "Thinky Pain" alone and made it to work on time. Plus spent time with the kids! On Saturday I spent some time with myself by taking a road trip to Kalamazoo. I found a few gems and the trip was nice... except for the bad drivers and construction. I had forgotten how much I dislike driving on I-94 here in Michigan. Its a road that connects Detroit with Chicago. That road is an asshole driver magnet. I can't tell you how many times I've almost died on that road. Saturday was no exception. But I'm here and I'm okay.

However, my beloved Batblazer suffered an injury:

No, I-94 didn't do this. Kitty D backed up into a cement pole. She's okay and no one was hurt, but my baby got a bit of a black eye. We got tape over it now and a new light on its way. The rest is just cosmetic. No big deal, honestly. She's survived way worse than this. And plus it gives me something I can tease D about! She feels horrible about it, but honestly its really okay. I'm just glad no one was hurt. Now, if she did this to my Corvette... different story! Heh...

I had planned to get a bunch of stuff done this week but yeah... that didn't happen. I had a big round of thinky pain and some anger to work through. I was kinda moody, honestly. And I know it will get a bit worse. I gotta adjust my sleep starting tonight to do a week of overnights at the day job. And then next weekend, I got the kids for two overnights. No rest for the wicked. Hopefully I can keep my sanity somewhat. 

Even the girls are concerned for me!!

No worries folks. I will get back on the production train soon. I am in the home stretch with so much that I almost HAVE to at this point. Just gotta break free and shake off the shit and get going. This whole week has been recuperation. Just getting my brain back into gear. Dusting the shelves, as it were... literally and mentally. Summer cleaning? Maybe. That is what D is doing up north while camping. Spending time on the water and recharging while hanging out with her closest friend. I needed to do that a few times already this year. Now I'm staring at a few months of nose to the wall, hardcore grinding so I can set everything up I need to set up. When I emerge, I hope to have the knowledge which will lead to more money and overtime at the day job. (Which helps a few financial goals I got.) I hope to get my health somewhat under control. (So far its been a runaway train!) I hope to get my projects rolling and ready to release. (Always on my mind.)

So no, I didn't do much with my bachelor weekend other than cry into a pillow for a bit, work at the day job, took a stressful (but somewhat rewarding) trip, nap, get drunk and do a long rambling podcast and then spend time with my boys. Some bachelor weekend, eh? No strip clubs for me. No hookers and blow for this guy. Just business as usual.

Now if I can get my brain to shut up, I can take a nap and regulate my sleep to prepare for a week of night shifts. Pray for me, won't you? So much to conquer, so much to finish...

Sanity, find me.

--T

Ps- Got a couple messages asking what I thought of the announcement of a female Doctor Who: I honestly don't care who or what plays the doctor, so long as the writing is good. We got way bigger things to worry about and be mad at, don't you think? Forget the distractions, keep your eyes open to the arseholes fucking us. Stay awake. Resist the bullshit. Get registered to vote and get active! 

Toxicity

Hey friends!

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who messaged me over last week's blog. There are a lot of worried folks out there. And you can count me as one of them. When you get a particularly scary diagnosis, especially one where you cannot even trust your own mind, its a tough thing to chew and swallow down. But rest assured I'm fine.

Truth is, EVERYONE has something they are working through. Some choose to sit and live in their suffering, others choose to do something about it. Me going to a therapist to talk about my problems is me being fully awake, aware and doing something about it. Its a good thing. I'm not about to sit myself in the cuckoo's nest quite yet.

I think everyone in today's age has a bit of craziness in their lives because of how toxic everything is. Places, things, people, etc. Everyone deals with someone or someplace that just seems to not bring out the best in them. I know several people that are in horrible relationships and just cannot get out. I know people that are stuck in situations and feel like they just can't escape. All of this is toxic to you and we all know it. So we're struggling to get out.

You can't win against these places or people. You just have to deal with it and keep what you can at arm's length.  But as you roll through life, the situations become easier to spot. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. That is simple projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. Someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more focused, like ‘Why are you angry at me?' You're always dodging the bullets these people throw, but in the end it’s not about you. You must be clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself from anything in life.

Never argue with such a person, because they would rather lie and project it back upon you. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and rework it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own bullshit. People don’t have to apologize to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward, because trust me... you won't get one that will ever satisfy you. Just move forward and do it without them. You can't surrender your truth and don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for their internal fights. You got your own shit to scramble. Quit hitting your head on the wall.

Toxic folks also say things like: ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win and most importantly, you don’t need to win. Because who cares when it comes to fighting these people?

That's the thing about it: you don't need anyone else for approval or comfort.  Sure its great to have a shoulder to cry on once in a while, but then it becomes a crutch. You become dependent, when you should be independent. You should be soaring in the skies, instead of over explaining your way out of things, places and people who ultimately do not serve your greater good.

Much of this is perceived from the past and the future. Simple saying: "When the past calls you, don't pick up the phone. It has nothing new to say anyway." And the future, it can change in an instant. Its always evolving. You never know how its going to end up. Some you feel stuck with now, like a boss or someone in your friend circle, or a place you have to go to work and hate working there, they won't be there forever. You can kick them out of your life. Because YOU are in control. And if you continue my new BE HERE NOW philosophy, you can continue to stay on the path you alone are carving. One step at a time. Climb the stairs.

People, places and even things can be toxic to you. Old habits. Chemical reactions in food and drinks or things you breathe in. There are toxic things thrown your way everyday. They are like literal bombs tossed at you. And as you roll through, they become easier to spot. You must strengthen your outer armor and keep these bombers at bay. Don't feed them. Don't dwell in them. Just move forward to your prize. Your goal. One step at a time.

For me, I got some toxic things in my life. And you know what fuels me? The thought that one day, I'm going to bury them! That if I keep going like I'm going, doing the right things for myself, dwelling in the happiness that I earn and the peace of mind I wish to cultivate, I'm going to bury them. Bury the situation. Bury the feeling. Bury the anger that it brought to my life. Because the flame will burn out and be cold and it cannot hurt to touch it.

When bad things happen, we get hurt. But we can overcome it. We can bury it. And when the toxic things that come to try to hurt us again, don't answer the door. Don't go back there in your mind. Don't relive it. Don't try to finish it off or defeat it. Just BURY IT. Use that drive as your fuel to guide you. Like if you want to lose weight, get determinted you want to bury it! If you want a new job? Get determined that you will bury that place! Got someone in your life that you have to deal with but cannot stand for whatever reason? Same thing.

You're doing this for you. Its your life. Your sanity. Your journey. Your story.

Remove the toxins from your life. Every day. One step at a time. BE HERE NOW.

--T

BE HERE NOW

Its been a bit since I posted a blog. I don't even know what to say. I don't even know where this one is going to go. But I'm reporting for duty with another post, as I don't let a week go by without a new one for you. My brain and heart are screaming out so much, but the words are not forming. Too much to say and too much going on, with no filter in-between.

To start with the positives: I got my small order of TALES FROM THE GORE back from the printer. It will still be another week and a half before I get the Kickstarter funds deposited into my account for me to place the big order and get mailing supplies. I've contacted the donors to get info on what they want drawn on their commissions. I will be getting with Olya this weekend to give her the assignments and getting things rolling on her end. Again, I cannot thank those who supported the project enough.

I'm looking forward to my vacation to Horrorhound this month. It is sorely needed. I'm working hard and saving funds for the trip. We're all going for fun times and therapy.

Speaking of therapy, mine continues. I learned some facts during my session this week that I guess I am farther along the spectrum on some things than I thought. Like how bad I am when I get down. Its bad, folks. And the stats are scary. I was floored when I heard them. I honestly don't know what to think. I knew I was bad but I didn't think I was THAT bad. I had a couple good cries yesterday as I tried to process what it meant. Basically I'm a walking time bomb. For as much as I think I have it together, I don't. I tried to think "well maybe he fudged the numbers to keep me as a client." But I don't think so. Other therapists I know say "You are not the test." That it simply talks about the things in that stat spectrum.

I'm trying to think that way but honestly I'm scared of it.

And Myself. I'm scared of myself.

Any simple thing makes me spiral anymore. I'm not productive like I used to be. I've gained 75 pounds over the course of a year. Everyone is fighting and not convincing anyone for change. Nothing seems positive and all around is pain. Everything sounds like a fucking Cure song. And inside I sound like a Pantera album. I just want to run, scream and cry and smile all at once. There is a war inside my head 24/7. Its bad, folks.

BUT- I've tried to adopt a new philosphy this past week: "BE HERE NOW." Its the title of an Oasis album, so its easy for me to remember. BE HERE NOW. So whenever my mind drifts to stupid shit I did in kindergarten, all the way to the dumb thing I forgot to do yesterday and my mind starts to punch itself, I say BE HERE NOW. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the tornado takes off too fast and I spiral and the tears come. But its a place to start. This last weekend I had my boys and I had a great visit with them. I played with James constantly instead of needing a break and some quiet to calm my mind. (which is when he gets into mischief) We laid together and watched cartoons. I was just THERE. NOW.

When my mind drifts to the anger, I say it: BE HERE NOW.  I'm working it into my life, slowly. I also making some time for things to bring happiness. Things to look forward to. I'm going to two concerts this year. Roger Waters and the Neal Morse Band. I made plans to visit my best friend, whom I haven't hung out with like we used to in years. Its overdue. I'm making plans to see my dad down south. Minor plans to just go and do things that help me get away and focus. My own private therapy.

There are certain triggers and things that I will need to get through and wrestle down. It will be a lifelong journey. But I promise you guys that despite all this, the work will continue. I will finish Starslam 3 and Pleasant Life 2. I will post podcasts, blogs and vlogs. I will finish my novels and get them out into the world. I'm not romantic about the "tortured artist" personae. But I guess that is what I am, for now. Maybe forever. But I don't want my story to end in such a way where I am pitied, in that I couldn't silence my demons. I cannot let these things take me over. I will stand. I will prevail. Every day. Every second. I am HERE, NOW...

...And you can't get rid of me.

--T

Oddz and Endz

Hey friends. New VLOG is up! Check it out:



We're less than 24 hours away from the end of the Caleb tribute horror comic, my new project! This will NOT be available in my online store here after its over, so this is your only chance to get it from me. Clicky Click Click HERE

I did some more work on Starslam 3 this past week. I think that is the next major thing on my plate, along with one of the novels. Once I get a couple commissions out of the way, I'll go full steam on it and the commissions for the TALES books. March/April will be busy times!

For those in the Cincinnati, Ohio area, I will be at Horrorhound Weekend March 17-19th. Stop by the 12 Gauge Gore booth to ask them where I am. I'll be wandering all over. Come party with us!

For those in Chicago, I will be at Exxxotica June 23-25th (I believe that is the dates). Mark your calendars!

Other than that I am trying to stay sane on a ton of overtime at the day job, lack of sleep and just getting through the day stress. I start therapy again today, so that might help. Just clearing some stuff in the basement. Nothing to worry about.

Anyway, thanks for checking back with me. I love you guys.

--T