To Sum It All Up...

Big blog today, friends. Bare with me.

For those that have followed me over the years and have read my blogs, this will come as no surprise. I thrive in being vulnerable and open. Its just the way I am. Enjoy the ride...

Lets sum it up: Since last year's summer, Ive been in hardcore struggle mode. I rode the high that was Starslam 2's success and enjoyed getting it out to everyone. I announced a third volume, Pleasant Life 2 and then two written novels. I was on a complete high of productivity.

Then I hit the wall. Hard.

Lots of things in my personal life happened. First was the disaster that was Motor City Con. I barely scraped by. I had a few things happen there that really dampened my spirits. Stuff I won't go into, but it certainly took its toll. My son was abused by a babysitter. A good friend died suddenly. I took this long journey of trying to find a comfortable place to process these things. And in that journey, I just couldn't keep it together. The promises I made publicly and to myself went broken. I gained 60 pounds. I sank into a deep deep depression. I barely stayed financially afloat. I cancelled trips I wanted to take. I cancelled appearances. I backed out of all my normal shows. I'd get a streak where I'd pencil a few pages and Id think, "Awesome! I'm coming back!" To then get a long streak of nothing. I'd still take on commissions, but they'd take me a while. Instead of laughing when I drank, I found plenty of reasons to cry. Alone and in front of friends.

I felt out of it. Out of touch and out of time.

Lily here illustrates exactly how I've been feeling. Just looking out the window, stuck in place.

 

 

 

I felt like I had missed a train. That it was too late for my dreams. I've become a has been to never was. And I hated myself for allowing my life to drift into it. I became angry and hurtful to myself. And all the while those above things were going on, I got back to a place where I didn't care anymore. Nothing brought me joy. Especially even the one thing Ive always had: art. I hated having a pencil in my hand. I unfollowed every artist I knew because I didn't want to see their progress I wasn't having. And after all, bad things happen to good people. Like my son, and my friend dying. My anger grew and my distaste remained constant. And I knew I had to change and get better, but I didn't feel like I was worth that change. That no one gave a shit anymore. Or maybe, even I didn't.

--Inspirational quote from Kate Winslet. It applies to everything.

I wasn't suicidal, but more like I just didn't care if I woke up. My girlfriend caught me having my weekly crying fit. I couldn't worry her anymore. I had to do something. So I began therapy.

Here it is almost two months later. I'm better man. I mean it. I'm choosing better meals. I'm more mentally active. Ive come to terms with the events in my life that I cannot change or control. I've made peace with myself and what has happened. I've learned to celebrate what I do have, instead of mourn what I don't or what has been lost.

That doesn't mean my struggles are over. In fact, its just beginning. I gotta continue this weight loss journey and continuing to get back to where I belong. Some financial hits are looking me right in the face. I'm scared of them. I'm moments from it all crashing down. My instinct kicks in.... survive! Kill it all! Live! Beat this thing! Avoid the toxic situations and people! And I'm doing that. But I have to take on all that I face and beat them. Bury them.

And you know what? I will. And most importantly: ON MY OWN TERMS.

This week I picked up the pencil again. I felt ready to. I was gifted with five pages of Starslam 3 (pencils and inks), four pages on Pleasant Life 2, four pages on another unspoken thing and a bunch of writing. Plus merchandise ideas and game plan for future streamlining/revamping of what I currently do.

Pleasant Life 2 pencils continue.

A stack of finished Starslam 3 pages. Cannot share most of them, they are NSFW. There's A LOT of sex in this new one!

I'll tell you truly: I've never felt more awake and alive in the last year than like I do now.

I feel like I got a goal and a deadline. And I can do deadlines! I know what my plan is and what I have to do now. The thinking about it is over. The over-examining and explaining is over. I woke up on the other side of this bullshit and asked myself, "what am I?"

Answer: I'm an artist. I'm a writer. I also play music and paint. I create. And I know how to evolve my business model and make my dreams work. I know what I have to do.

So I pulled out of all shows for the remainder of the year so I can work on it all. I'm busy working on my audition to reapply for my dream job. And I know it is not too late. I hope you will bare with me as I get this resume re-edited and resubmitted to you, my bosses. Because I'm going to show you I know the job and that I will earn it.

Only thing that can stop me is me. And Ive now learned how to step out of my own way.

Thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

....lets get to work!

--T