I Wont Back Down

(sorry, still having keyboard issues)

Hey friends. Our heroes are leaving us. The world seems like its in chaos. They are dividing and conquering us and we are losing. Times are tight and sometimes the days just suck. Guns blaze and weather destroys. We argue over what is right and wrong while those effected just sit and suffer. We get madder and louder. We talk loud and end up saying nothing. Life... is too much sometimes.

So I turn to art. I celebrate what the artists I love have left behind. This week, Tom Petty left us. WILDFLOWERS is in constant rotation at my house in my CD player. I never change the station when he comes on. It felt like he was always going to be there, on tour or just jamming. But hes gone. So is Bernie Wrightson. So is Len Wein. So are many others. There is so much good art from the old masters and the new and up comers, its too much to take in. My mind is a bottleneck to it sometimes. But when it comes in, I love it.

Will miss you greatly.

The holiday season has officially begun. 

The decorations abound!

Ive been spending my time with those I love. 

Fur babies make me happy.

This weekend I penciled 8 pages on STARSLAM 3. Im inking and scanning stuff this week. Im writing new stuff and sketching out new ideas. I have to.

The world is crazy. The world is loud and scary. But we got ourselves and each other. We have art. Great art. Music, movies, paintings, clothes, styles, colors, podcasts, talk radio... so much. So much love is there if you drill down and find it.

Me? Im continuing to fight the good fight and continuing to make art. We cant let this world push us around or drag us down. We gotta stand our ground...

...We wont back down.

~~T

To Sum It All Up...

Big blog today, friends. Bare with me.

For those that have followed me over the years and have read my blogs, this will come as no surprise. I thrive in being vulnerable and open. Its just the way I am. Enjoy the ride...

Lets sum it up: Since last year's summer, Ive been in hardcore struggle mode. I rode the high that was Starslam 2's success and enjoyed getting it out to everyone. I announced a third volume, Pleasant Life 2 and then two written novels. I was on a complete high of productivity.

Then I hit the wall. Hard.

Lots of things in my personal life happened. First was the disaster that was Motor City Con. I barely scraped by. I had a few things happen there that really dampened my spirits. Stuff I won't go into, but it certainly took its toll. My son was abused by a babysitter. A good friend died suddenly. I took this long journey of trying to find a comfortable place to process these things. And in that journey, I just couldn't keep it together. The promises I made publicly and to myself went broken. I gained 60 pounds. I sank into a deep deep depression. I barely stayed financially afloat. I cancelled trips I wanted to take. I cancelled appearances. I backed out of all my normal shows. I'd get a streak where I'd pencil a few pages and Id think, "Awesome! I'm coming back!" To then get a long streak of nothing. I'd still take on commissions, but they'd take me a while. Instead of laughing when I drank, I found plenty of reasons to cry. Alone and in front of friends.

I felt out of it. Out of touch and out of time.

Lily here illustrates exactly how I've been feeling. Just looking out the window, stuck in place.

 

 

 

I felt like I had missed a train. That it was too late for my dreams. I've become a has been to never was. And I hated myself for allowing my life to drift into it. I became angry and hurtful to myself. And all the while those above things were going on, I got back to a place where I didn't care anymore. Nothing brought me joy. Especially even the one thing Ive always had: art. I hated having a pencil in my hand. I unfollowed every artist I knew because I didn't want to see their progress I wasn't having. And after all, bad things happen to good people. Like my son, and my friend dying. My anger grew and my distaste remained constant. And I knew I had to change and get better, but I didn't feel like I was worth that change. That no one gave a shit anymore. Or maybe, even I didn't.

--Inspirational quote from Kate Winslet. It applies to everything.

I wasn't suicidal, but more like I just didn't care if I woke up. My girlfriend caught me having my weekly crying fit. I couldn't worry her anymore. I had to do something. So I began therapy.

Here it is almost two months later. I'm better man. I mean it. I'm choosing better meals. I'm more mentally active. Ive come to terms with the events in my life that I cannot change or control. I've made peace with myself and what has happened. I've learned to celebrate what I do have, instead of mourn what I don't or what has been lost.

That doesn't mean my struggles are over. In fact, its just beginning. I gotta continue this weight loss journey and continuing to get back to where I belong. Some financial hits are looking me right in the face. I'm scared of them. I'm moments from it all crashing down. My instinct kicks in.... survive! Kill it all! Live! Beat this thing! Avoid the toxic situations and people! And I'm doing that. But I have to take on all that I face and beat them. Bury them.

And you know what? I will. And most importantly: ON MY OWN TERMS.

This week I picked up the pencil again. I felt ready to. I was gifted with five pages of Starslam 3 (pencils and inks), four pages on Pleasant Life 2, four pages on another unspoken thing and a bunch of writing. Plus merchandise ideas and game plan for future streamlining/revamping of what I currently do.

Pleasant Life 2 pencils continue.

A stack of finished Starslam 3 pages. Cannot share most of them, they are NSFW. There's A LOT of sex in this new one!

I'll tell you truly: I've never felt more awake and alive in the last year than like I do now.

I feel like I got a goal and a deadline. And I can do deadlines! I know what my plan is and what I have to do now. The thinking about it is over. The over-examining and explaining is over. I woke up on the other side of this bullshit and asked myself, "what am I?"

Answer: I'm an artist. I'm a writer. I also play music and paint. I create. And I know how to evolve my business model and make my dreams work. I know what I have to do.

So I pulled out of all shows for the remainder of the year so I can work on it all. I'm busy working on my audition to reapply for my dream job. And I know it is not too late. I hope you will bare with me as I get this resume re-edited and resubmitted to you, my bosses. Because I'm going to show you I know the job and that I will earn it.

Only thing that can stop me is me. And Ive now learned how to step out of my own way.

Thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

....lets get to work!

--T

Crowdfunding, Floyd and Other Such Things...

Hey folks. Just got done reading a great article by the great Amanda Fucking Palmer. Check it out HERE - She's got a book out this week and I'll get it when I can. Its called "The Art of Asking" and it discusses her days as a street performer, musician, artist and her recent crowd funding methods. I always love her music and read her blog weekly. I find her one of the "good guys," One of those folks who just inspire me and remind me of the path I am on.

Everything in the creative fields is in flux. Musicians can barely make it now. Filmmakers are constantly getting their films put online and stolen. I'm sure video games feel that to an extent too. Everything is out there and we're taking it. Giving nothing back. We keep ourselves amused and forget those who make it. It hurts someone like me, who look passionately at people like artists, musicians and filmmakers as they feel this struggle too. No one has an answer. We're all trying to figure it out. The big bands try things and get nailed for it. Anything new that is tried is immediately slapped down from the collective snark of the world.

It is with these fears that I sit in my little shallow part of the creative ocean, afraid to lift anchor and move to deeper waters. Because its a struggle. Its a hard life to make things work. How can little old me make ripples in the water and get people to see me? We're all trying to figure that out. And when we fail and drown, its embarrassing. But sometimes lightning strikes and we're given a thumbs up. Finally, a great idea and a proper decision made. I wrote STARSLAM, an erotic comic back in 2008 and pitched it at San Diego 2009 and it fell flat on its face. I shelved it. I brought it back as a webcomic. It didn't get the numbers. I was going to shelve it again but I felt strongly about the work. I knew this was a story that had to get out. If not for the world, but for me. I was reacting strongly against all the other porn comics I was seeing out there, and being hired for. I wanted to contribute GOOD pornography to the world. I felt the world needed it. But to put it out is a fear of exposure. Would people think me a freak? Would people percieve me differently? What about those close to me? I was fearful of all of it. People will laugh and think me different. But I took a shot anyway and tossed it on Kickstarter. I busked. I asked people. I just wanted to see who was out there and who would see me.

The response was overnight. I made the $300 I asked for within 24 hours. If I only got just that amount, I would have been happy. It wouldn't have covered my costs at all, but I would have accepted it. I always do. My pre-sales of any book I have ever done or released have never made more than $300. Never. I presell maybe 10-30 books when I release one. Never more than that. Today on the STARSLAM kickstarter, I am at $1,595... and I got 15 days left.

To someone like me, this is a massive success. So far I got 67 backers, about 95% of them are people I don't know and have never met. Maybe I never will in person. They are reaching out to me and saying "I like this guy. I like the idea. I want to read it." and they plunk their hard earned down to read my story and see my art. I'm damn grateful and goddamn proud of all of this. I'm in awe every morning when I wake up and check my email to see that there are new backers waiting. Someone else new found me and is backing me up. And I'm going to give my art to them. Its the give and take with artists and the observers that make art worth doing. There is no end all-be all meaning behind the art. Everything is about the person who comes to observe it and what they get out of it. But the reflection of trust and support to the artists effects us greatly, I assure. I am now proof of "success" with crowdfunding and I am gaining new confidence and new readers.

I hope folks get STARSLAM and they read it and fall in love with it. Because I got plenty more for them. I have other comics like Pleasant Life and Anna Pocalypse. I got years and years of blogs and podcasts. I have live appearances, Marvel-Dc-StarWars Sketch Cards, live art, old art... all cataloged and ready to be dissected by anyone who comes along and discovers me. I've been preparing for this moment. I've been slow burning myself for all this time and I'm ready for people to see it all.

I know that after the dust settles and STARSLAM is out in everyone's hands that its up to me to dream it up again. I will work on the next books, the next card set, the next con appearance. It will never stop. The climb continues. I have to make this career work. But the great push of support I've got for STARSLAM really has me jazzed for the future more than ever. I've finally done something right! I've opened myself up to the idea of crowdfunding and let go of the old ways of doing things. I no longer measure myself by those old standards. Its this, all the way. I will be out there supporting myself more. I will continue to work hard. I'll keep releasing, providing and sweating it all out. And giving my all in every project to come.

Why?

Because I don't know what else to do. Art and creativity is all I have. Its the only thing thats never let me down. Its all I am good at. I love the journey of improving and learning. I love finding new friends to support and learn with. This is the life I want. I will never stop going. I will die with a pencil in my hand.

I have you folks to thank. Let's keep rockin' and rollin'! We've got 15 days left on my STARSLAM KICKSTARTER so let's make it count! And for those of you out there with an idea and a fear like I had, forget it. Reach out and just ask the universe for what you want. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you'll get your answer.

_______

Okay, enough inspirational stuff. Lets get to my PINK FLOYD "THE ENDLESS RIVER" REVIEW! First off, admittedly, I am grading it on a curve... but I gotta say I loved it. I have listened to the lead single "Lounder than Words" about 20 times and it ranks among the best of the Gilmour-led era. I didn't get my hopes up too much with this album and it really is sort of like hearing demos recorded in 1993. And thats fine. Its an album you sort of have to turn on, dim the lights and just immerse in. A musical journey. But all the best Floyd songs are like that. If you are expecting quick .99¢ singles on Itunes, forget it. This is for album lovers. For hardcore Floyd fans especially. It calls back to all periods of Floyd history. You can hear bits of Welcome to the Machine or Atom Heart Mother in parts of it. Its even got an organ part recorded in 1968. It really is good. I've read bitchings online about how its a dissapointment or it sucks. To those folks, I feel pity for. I don't think anyone can enjoy anything anymore. The snark and the pre-judging have clouded their ability to simply just like something. It is sad to me. Would I rank THE ENDLESS RIVER among the Floyd's best? No. But I am damn grateful to have it. And I head an interview with Nick Mason where he's saying more is coming. Archival/Anthology type of stuff. It excites me.

Pink Floyd is my favorite band of all time. I never dreamed I'd get a new record from them at all. Its been 20 years since the last one. And although this was majorly made in 1993, it still feels fresh. It feels like music I enjoy today. I cannot stop spinning this disc and I'm sure as I keep dissecting it, I will get even closer to it. Thanks Dave, Nick and Rick for one last journey! This was an album release for me!! And im damn grateful.

Grade: A-

Do it for YOU.

So yesterday, I saw the release of a movie trailer for Dumb and Dumber 2. I admit being a fan of the first flick. Of course, stacked up against some of my more favorite comedies of all time, it would take a back seat, but still it is in my top 20. I have affection for the movie and the experience I had watching it. Lately we've been getting a lot of old riders hopping back into their saddles for one last go around at it. People always seem to naysay it and then it comes and we enjoy it. Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6) was immensely enjoyable. As was Rambo 4. Sometimes we get an Indiana Jones 4, but I digress. Even though that movie is flawed, it still was nice to see Harrison back under the fedora again.

So I watch the trailer and it seems okay. I will likely see it and maybe enjoy myself for a bit. I checked in today and saw the loooooong line of people bashing the upcoming flick's existence and pouring buckets of searing hate on everyone involved with it, or who would potentially like it. This all comes from the internet.

My opinion: The world was better without the internet. For all the great things we can do now, it has brought an equal amount of bad. We are so angry and disconnected from each other that it scares me no end. Opinions stayed in your home and you didn't feel the hate of the world in your life everyday. Your problems and successes were your own and that was the end of it. It just seems that no one is stoked on anything anymore. Why does everyone NOT want you to enjoy the things you would enjoy? And why do people not want you do to what you want to do? Why is there so much hate? These are interesting questions to ponder. Did this come up recently because we're so disconnected and annonymous, or were we always like this?

Its no wonder that the future generations are starting to struggle with basic human skills, cyber bullying and they feel quite disconnected. Also I see a genuine lack of drive to be a good worker at a place of employment, and no drive to pursue a whimsy and a dream. Perhaps because the world and its hate has beaten them down so much that they are scared to be all they can be, like whatever they like and do what they want to do. You ever get the question of whats your "Guilty Pleasure?" Like your tastes should be hidden and you should feel guilty for liking it?

I say fuck that. Do what you like. Enjoy what you like. Pursue your dreams and do it for you.

This week I did an experiment. I just laid back a bit. I hit FB a little bit, but not as much as usual. I watched some Tom Baker Doctor Who episodes I kept putting off watching. I had never seen them before but never had time to do so. Well I made the time and I enjoyed them. You know what else? I read a book. I read "The Ocean at the End of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman, my favorite author. I bought the book last year and it sat here doing nothing. I spent $25 on it and it just sat on a shelf, unread. But I picked it up and read it and loved every page of it. It felt good to dive into something new and at the same time, old. That old feeling where the wicked world was decades away and its just you and your mind. I loved that feeling. I want more. I am going to read other books I have sitting here.

I drank some booze with the wife last night. We talked deep about some things and we watched some music DVDs I have. They have sat in my closet collecting dust. I brushed them off and put them in the player and shared with her a bit of my world. It was delightful. She didn't judge me. She was stoked on the experience.

I chased a few whimsies this week. I applied for a job I never thought I had a chance to get and I got an email from them with an offer for an interview. It has me very excited. I saw a publisher is doing a collection of comics from a well known pop culture property that I happen to like and I tossed them a message offering a pinup. They liked the suggestion and said I should send them something. Both of these things might not happen. I might not get the job, I might not get in the book. But I bothered to ask. Sometimes you gotta just ask the universe for something and you might be surprised what you get back. It NEVER hurts to ask.

The great AMANDA FUCKING PALMER is coming out with a book in November about these things. And she printed out a manifesto statement about the book. I think it is fitting here:

"Asking is, at its core, a collaboration. Those who can ask without shame are viewing themselves in collaboration with - rather than in competition with - the world."

People who make art (in whatever form) mostly aren't asking to compete. They are asking to be a part of the big picture. They want to give back. And NO ONE should ever tell them no. Or make the snarky remarks. Just let the art come and if you like it, great. If its not for you, thats fine too. But let it come. Because the folks who made it made it for them. Sometimes there's a monetary goal, sure. Ya gotta eat and have a roof (or 10). But someone in the mix always is in there chasing the whimsy. Someone in there just wanted to make art. For them. And fuck the world if they try to stop them.

So I say folks: Find your dream and pursue it. Don't give a fuck about what they say. they. Who are they? Fuck em. Do your shit. Do it because you want to. Do it cause you can. Cause life is short. Live YOUR life. Find YOUR happiness. And ignore the world. Forget the hate. Play in your mind. Enjoy that book or that DVD or that record. Cause its for you. No one else.

Do it all for you. And get offline every now and then. Its good for you.
(but please... come back here once in a while!) ;)

T