I'll bet I can top it....

Hello friends. 

Sometimes you drift along in life and get nowhere. Sometimes you take a shot and nothing happens. But you learn a lesson and try to move forward. 

Sometimes you are reminded of what makes you happy and why you do what you like to do in the first place. 

Sometimes its friends and making new friends that help you come back to life.

Sometimes you meander and want to be done with it all. The load on your back is too much to bare.

Sometimes you want to be a part of a club, but then realize that is a dead end for what you really want to do and to be.

Sometimes you make promises, only to fail. But one day you achieve the goal and they are still there for you.

Sometimes life gets in the way of the dream. But you keep dreaming anyway. Because what else are you going to do?

Sometimes they try to take you down. But you're still here. Unbeaten.

Sometimes your biggest achievement is beating a 30 year old video game! (heh)

In my dark hours and quiet times, I've been watching. I've been selective and uninspired...

...until now.

Thank you to everyone for keeping me real. For helping me to come back to who I am and what I really want to be. Thank you for providing the frame on which I hang the expression of my life. My faith in those who support my work and truly "get it" have been the fuel that has kept me alive all this time.

And your efforts and support have certainly not gone unnoticed.

---And will be rewarded!

You might want to listen to this: THE NEWEST EPISODE OF THE IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW PODCAST

There you will get a hint of what I am talking about.

2016 has been a major breakthrough of a year for me. Ups. Downs. Extreme downs. Extreme ups. I had my biggest pre-ordered commercial success with STARSLAM 2 on Kickstarter thanks to you and your support.

I say now: I can top that.

Before the year is over, I'll bet I can top that.

Let's find out...

--T

Rampin' Up

Hello my little droogies! How has your week been? Its been a while since I posted. Only get to do maybe once every two weeks or so. Times are a little quieter around Castle Adam and thats a good thing. I'm well adjusted into my new job and schedule and its much much much better for me for a variety of reasons.... especially my sleep schedule! No more overnights jocking the register to drunk college kids. I don't miss it at all. I'm enjoying getting up early every morning, getting breakfast and then getting work done everyday. Staying super productive, no matter what. Then going to bed at a decent hour and sleeping in my own bed, instead of grabbing 20 minutes here and there at the gas station! HA!!

One downside is that I have about 15 pages left to go on Starslam and haven't got them done yet. I got my new STAR WARS cards all pencilled and inked and they need coloring. My whole day during the week and Saturdays are monopolized by my jobs and my Sundays are for my kids and unwinding. Right now I am in the post production stage of the art. Which is digital clean up and then coloring. Then lettering and PDFing. I hope to get a real good jump on it before my self imposed deadline for the launch of my Kickstarter campaign for it. Then you're gonna get a ton of blogs and postings. You'll get sick of me! So I'm trying to hang back. Plus I got the Grand Rapids Comic Con coming up. Just the calm before the storm, I say!

I'm already looking ahead to the holiday season. Something I've always wanted to do is throw a costume party at my house. And thats something I think we're gonna try to do this year. I wanna go all out for this Halloween season and have some fun. Plus I'm looking forward to a huge Thanksgiving meal with my boys and some football. Then Christmas... ah, Christmas. December is a very tough month for me for a variety of reasons. Too many bad memories have happened during that month. In a month that should be a jolly time, for me, its insanity. But this year, I want to try to rekindle the magic of my youth and have one slam bang great fucking Christmas. I might even treat myself to some shit I've had on my wish list for years! We'll see. But right now I got a list going for the people in my life. Lots of thank you's to send out. I just want to enjoy the Holidays this year. I've got a lot to celebrate and I want to start with that.

Life is going really great for me right now. Great jobs. Great art-working. Great life. I'm really proud of how far I've come and what I earned for myself. A while ago this moment seemed very far away. I went back last week and re-read some of my blogs from this past year and man did I have a journey! Even things I forgot about. But here I am and I'm damn proud of that. I say that with no ego, mind you. Its been a doozy. Seems like I've done a lot of living in a few months! But its all come together nicely. Almost calculated like I knew what I was doing! I didn't. I just made shit happen. And I am continuing to do so.

We got big things coming on the horizon. Digital release of my comics. T-shirts. Starslam 2. Pleasant Life 2. The Vinyl Girls Pinup book. 2016 convention season with new convention table setup. (and FINALLY) The release of two of my novels I've been talking about. Thats all coming! By this time next year, you will see all of that available. Its about time.

Its been a long hard road out of Hell. But one that was well worth it.

Onward and Upward!

---T-Dizzle

COMMISSIONS NOW OPEN!!!

Hey friends. Its been a while since I opened up my commissions list, so yeah, I'm doing so now. Just got some down space and I'm willing to help you get the things you need done. A piece for a gift for someone? A gift for yourself? Single image or comic illustration. All proceeds go to help pay for 2016's convention expenses. Let's make it happen! Adult and clean art is hereby available!

Simply EMAIL ME HERE and let me know what you need done. Also refer to my COMMISSIONS section of my site for pricing and rules.

Cheers!

ADAM T.

Rough Weekend Thoughts

As per my blog a few posts ago, I beat myself up again a bit yesterday. It started with realizing how small some people see me as. What happened is this:

I work a part time job as a cashier for a major chain corporation of grocery stores. There's a union in place and there are contracts. I don't recall signing them, but apparently I did when I was hired. Anyway, I have spent the last 4 months busting my ass there. I've increased from 16 hours to 32 hours a week there. I've proved myself. I'm looked upon as reliable and a strong backbone of the place.The accepted average speed and accuracy is supposed to be 94%. I am at 112%. So yeah, I am VERY fast, VERY good at the job and I've done it through some crazy circumstances. Divorce, death, an injury and juggling my life around all of that. I work every weekend there during their crazy coupon days and try to maintain a positive attitude while there. But after 8 hours of no water (only on breaks), long hours on my feet, gripy, bitchy customers, etc... you get worn down. And I've worked hard the last few months to help re-establish a new life and payflow for me and what I have to take care of now. I am finally at a spot where things are running "Smoothly." Not GREAT, but smoothly. Bills are paid and I have enough to eat and drive around. Thats all I need. I'm not able to save, but I am not hurting. Thats a huge thing for me. Crawling from nothing into gaining something. I'm proud of that. And I had to do it. And in doing so, I had to sacrifice something precious. Time with my kids. I only got to see them maybe once, twice a week. And when I did, I was always exhausted from working two jobs. We never could do anything fun. They are growing up. Little James is talking great now and Scotty is improving every day. I'm missing out on key shit in their lives. And I haven't seen my oldest son at all in months! So yeah, I'm frustrated. So I gave it some thought and decided that I would ask for weekends off at this one job so that I could see my kids. Make them a priority now that I am on my feet. Well, I was met with this news: If I took weekends off, I would get like 12 hours a week. Something about the contract states that I must be fully available.

So essentially when you look at it, my hard work was for nothing. Nothing I struggled through and strived to prove myself (or them) through mattered at all. While they got plenty of younger employees that are thirsty for work and can work weekends, they don't want to work me a Monday through Friday for 25-40 hours a week. Nope. I have to give my entire life over to them. This puts me in a weird position cause my kids won't see me as much and its not fair to them. Its certainly not fair to me, who has busted his ass to prove himself. Everything I've done for this job, in the end, never mattered.

Thats a repeated pattern in my life, I'm afraid. I remember dedicating my time and my life to places, people or things that have always let me down. I find that I am easily replaceable and forgettable. The struggle never matters. Those old days where a boss helps you out or feels anything for you... those days are gone. Its all numbers and just find another monkey to come and push the buttons. Get that dude out of there. He's fat and old. Fuck him, move on. Here's a fresh 16 year old we can program. Move on. Move on. Meanwhile I am forced to keep the job because I gotta pay my bills. I gotta show up. I gotta suck down the shit sandwich. I've always hated that. Thats when I start to beat myself up. Like I should be smarter than this. I don't fit in. I don't belong. People always say that to me at the jobs I take on. "Why are you here? You should be doing this or that.." and I SHOULD BE. Why aren't I? That's a damn good question. I've applied at around 30-40 jobs in the last couple months and haven't got any calls back. Is it me? What have I done wrong? I've worked a lot of jobs and I've earned my way into management time and time again. I dedicate my time and work hard. So whats the problem?

I think its mostly because I never focused on the right things to do for my career as an artist. I shoulda taken the deep plunge and really made it my #1. But I didn't. I focused on trying to have a personal life and a family. But that didn't work out for me so well. So back to square one, what do I got? A basket full of dreams and knowledge I cannot put to use in this world that has changed around me. No one hires full time. No one cares about your needs around your family. Its only what you can do for them to bring their numbers up and then they replace you. The concept of the individual is gone. Perhaps forever. Its sad really.

Another thing that has this on my mind is that this weekend is MOTOR CITY COMIC CON. The biggest comic show in Michigan. I have friends there right now. Some of my books and art are there on tables now. Thats great to know. But I'm not there. I'm not. And I should be. I fucking should have made it a priority to save up and get a table and get even one more person to read my comics. To hear my story. To be a part of the big pond of creativity instead of standing on the shoreline waiting for the "right moment" to get back in the water. Fuck that! I should be there. I WILL be there. Next year. I'm not doing this to myself again. 2015 is all about getting out of the hole and getting my work done. And then I'm hitting the goddamn road in 2016 and selling my shit. I'm gonna get in people's faces so much that they are gonna be sick of hearing my name. I have to. I deserve to give my work and my career the true shot I never gave it. So that's what I am going to do.

Art, comics and music are the only things that have served me well in this life. I've never been good at anything else. And I know that my work and what I write about has value. It needs to be read. It needs to be seen. And the only reason its not is because I haven't done my job getting it out there for people to see. No one comes to your backdoor to see your stuff. You have to take it to them and show them. And thats what my focus should be. Get out there. In all ways possible. Never sit and watch your friends live their dream. You belong there too. So what are we waiting for?

I've come from some of the darkest places a human can come from. And there still are struggles. But there are great things happening in my life right now. I'm deeply in love with someone who I deserve. I am more creative and active now than I ever have been. I feel more deeply for my kids than I ever did before. When life goes tits up on you and you start to see these people and places and how they treat you and what you think your relationship is to them, you get great perspective. You get objective. And you feel a little stupid for caring so much about a place, person, thing or whatever it is, and how much of it you let into your brain. You let it derail you. But you cannot take your eyes off the prize, no matter what happens. Like Churchill said, you won't get to where you are going if you stop to throw stones at every dog that barks at you. You just gotta know what you want and go for it.

I've always known what I want. I've never doubted any of that. I've always felt like sometimes to achieve what I want is a little bit out of my hands. It takes the right moment, the right person, the right time. But I'm tired of waiting for those things to line up to perfection. I'm going to make it happen, dear readers. I'm finishing my work this year and I am hitting the road in 2016. If its got a zip code, I'm gonna be there. My work is my priority now. Its all I have and all I want. Its never let me down. Its my savior time and time again. My best friend. My lover. My life.

Watch me prove it. Not to you, but to myself. 2016. NO MORE.

T

Beating yourself up

One of the things that people know about me is that I can be my own worst enemy. All my problems, I bring on myself. I'm overweight because I eat things that are bad for me. I'm not more successful in my art because I'm not putting it a priority to get out there and take it to the people like I should have. Etc. Etc. Its a realization that we all must come to at some point in our lives. We have to wake up and realize the damage we do to ourselves. And I am big time guilty of the biggest crime I do to myself: BEATING MYSELF UP.

I'm always discounting where I am in life. What I've done. Where I SHOULD be, on and on. When a praise is heaped upon me, I immediately counteract it with a knock down about myself. For example, someone might say, "Hey! The art and story in this comic you made is really good!" Then I'll immediately say something like, "Yeah, too bad I only sold 150 copies of it. No one really read it." I can't just say, Thanks. Ever. I am not sure why. Maybe its lack of confidence. Maybe I've taken on too much that life has thrown at me and I've let myself get beat up and put in the corner of the ring. I take a lot of punches. Mostly because I know I can take it. But sometimes... I feel like I just need to take a dive and relax for an 8 count, and then get back up for some more. Clubber Lang is always there taunting me, warning me not to get back up cause PAIN is coming! But I still keep getting back up.

Take for example my current situation. I feel very low and stuck. I'm 37 years old, my financial status looks like an atomic bomb went off. My body is slowly breaking. I have constant foot and knee pain now due to the long hours of working. I have to work two jobs to barely support paying to provide for my kids and my bills. I never have a night or day off. I don't get to go out and enjoy a movie in the theater. I cannot take my girl out to dinner. When I am with my kids, I cannot afford to do anything fun with them. Because of this hectic schedule I never get a full night's sleep. And I get paid minimum wage at each job. At 37, with 12 years management experience and a degree. Tell me how that is fair.

And my jobs... one is a night job cashier at a gas station. Simple enough and I enjoy the quiet. After I get my work done, I can sit and draw, which has been a MAJOR help for me keeping up with my art stuff. But I deal with a lot of scary situations. Drunk college students, scary situations and sometimes potentially hostile situations. People puke and pass out in my store. It just gets nutty. Then take my day job, cashier at a major grocery store. I've done rants about the things that piss me off about it on my MORNING SHOW PODCAST - But I get these 4.5-6 hour shifts. Its back breaking work. Not allowed a drink. Some of the people talk to you like dog shit. I see older folks I work with and they look really beaten down. I'm almost to their level. I'm 37. I should be further along than this! There, ya see? I started it again.

I cannot shake the feeling like things should have panned out differently for me. I do feel very "Stuck" sometimes. I've applied all over to places that are more related to my field or offer full time and I never hear any calls back. I'm waiting, trying, patiently keep applying. Nothing. Damn. Oh well, back to Grand Ledge, the 25 minute drive to work a 5 hour shift and then come home for my 2 hours of sleep before I have to work my night job. Half my check goes to the state. Yay.

So yeah, you let all of this beat you down. Things suck. But you look at the positives.

-I got a job. Two of them. People like me at them. Thats good.
-I'm providing for my kids. There's a lot of deadbeat parents out there that wouldn't do that.
-I'm doing what I can with what I got.
-I'm still taking on freelance artwork gigs and beating the deadlines to all of them.
-I tackled emotionally crippling things this last 6 months and have kept my train on the rails.
-I make my GF very happy and we're building a life together. I'm providing for her too.
-I continue to dream and make plans for my future in comics, jobs and life.
-I still haven't gained any of the weight I lost.
-A lot of friends and family have stepped up during this time of my need and supported me in many ways. I've found out through all of this who is in my corner.
-My kids are happier than ever and its a joy to see them, even when I am dog ass tired.
-At my jobs, I do good work. I am at 111% speed at the grocery store and I am a backbone at the gas station.
-My GF respects my hard work and does things to pamper me and show me how much she appreciates my struggle. Its a great thing to feel valued like that.
-The artwork I am producing is better than ever and is coming from a genuine place.
-I know in time my struggles during this period will fade, not get worse.
-All my bills are paid. Believe me, that's a BIG thing!
-Despite my lack of being able to hit more shows, I am gaining new fans and readers. Thats amazing!

SO: As much as I want to punish myself and make myself feel like less of a person because I'm a cashier at a grocery store/gas station clerk at 37, and not as far along in my art career as I want to be, I'm still standing. I'm still doing good work. I'm not down for the count. I'll come back swinging, count on it. I want to learn to not beat myself up. I'm tired of doing it. I need to focus on the positives of my life and work on it every day. I need to get my head right. Let go of a lot of my anger, fear and hurt. I need to continue to rise. And I will. That much I know. Just keep watching.

Anyway, GOALS FOR THE REST OF 2015:

1-Get Starslam 2 done and kickstarted.
2-Get Pleasant Life 2 3/4ths done and ready for an early 2016 launch.
3-Reprint all books.
4-Release all books as digital downloads.
5-Do three new prints and print them all for 2016 con season.
6-Pay for tables at THREE big shows for 2016.
7-Continue freelance art gigs, especially the STAR WARS work. Not just with Topps, but other places.
8-Find a full time day job and get a normal schedule.
9-Save for my future.
10-Move into new apartment and build a life with my girl.

So there. No matter what life throws at you, never take your eyes off the prize. Execute your plans. And Don't beat yourself up for getting in the ring to fight the big fight. Don't do your opponent's job for them. Make them try to take you down. Then throw the big uppercut. Fuck em up. Then stand in the ring, arms raised in victory. Smells fucking sweet!

---T

New Pages!

Hey all! A quick update after a LONG weekend of working all three of my jobs and barely seeing the light of day. I'm flat out exhausted! UGH. Anyway, I thought I'd show you some progress on STARSLAM 2. I got 6 pages done this week! Here's some spoiler free peeks:

A new character, named "BEAR GIRL" gets into some trouble!

Crawling from the rubble...

Starslam don't know her own strength now....

The Doc is back and has a new toy! And yes, I know it looks phallic now, but its not used for that. M'kay? Perverts~!!

The new pages are coming along nicely if I must say. I got a great rhythm going on them. So my recent progress WASN'T a fluke after all. I'm back in the groove as they say! But thank God I got a night job with down time for me to get page work done! Not the most ideal place to draw, but it gets the job done. If something is important you make the time, right? ;)

Also, if you ordered a STARSLAM #1 book, they are all mailed. So they should be getting to your homes soon. Thanks for the support! If there are any problems, get with me via email and we'll fix it!

This week I had a few spare hours in between jobs where I took my girl to the pet shop for the first time. There I saw my first ever Jellyfish!!

they were very cute! These particular ones aren't all stingy and only live for around a year. They have to circle the tank constantly or else they will die. So the tank has a motor that keeps them in constant motion.

I wish I could have or be a Jelly fish! Some Jellyfish never die! They just revert to being young again and can essentially live forever! WOW!!!!! The vampires of the sea!

Once again this week, I got a crapload of hours. But I finally was able to get about 7 hours of sleep last night. A rarity for me! So I am very happy with that! I still got a TO DO list a mile long, but I'm chopping away at it. Looking forward to when classes are over and I might be able to take a little vacation. I haven't gone anywhere since May last year... not counting the couple trips to Illinois for Gloria's passing and all that. Thats not a vacation. But yeah, I'm a bit stressed and tense lately. I'm just ragged and I need a refresher. I'm thinking about going to Chicago and seeing the Art Museum and maybe the aquarium. (MORE JELLYFISH!) Plus there is the High Fidelity filming locations, maybe some sleep somewhere in there... yeah. Lots to do!

Anyway, have a safe, fun week! Cheers, T

Crazy Busy Week

Hey all! Just taking a moment to drop a Monday Morning bloggy. I'm going to be extremely busy this week! I got 35+ hours at BOTH day jobs and I got about 100 cards I have to turn around by Saturday. How I am gonna juggle all of it, I have no clue! Plus I got a day to watch the kids, a night or two of fun with my girl and other priorities. How I am gonna keep it all going together, I have no clue. But it certainly is fun!

Its an honor to return to a card set on a property that keeps having me around. Especially one that I grew up loving. I hope I am continued to be invited back for years to come. Its the one property I am most known for now, and I get the most enjoyment out of. The force is strong with this one!

Most days I am never home. Thats a good thing. I'm out earning money or spending time with those I care about. Life is going rather well. I was talking wth my pal Dean the other night about 2016 convention plans. I am itching to get back out on the road and do a serious major comic con tour. I want to. I NEED to. I wanna hit some shows again and see the friends and make new ones. I Want to redesign my table layout and approach. I want to finish my projects for that too. I am hoping to finish Starslam 2 by the end of this year and the Kickstarter money raised will fund my 2016 convention travels and printing plans. New backdrop, prints and more. I will hit a couple shows this year, but it will be with my old shit. Books only, mostly. Maybe I'll bring the new prints along. We'll see. But I have definite work to finish, money to save and more.

Mostly with all this work and the stressful few months I've had, I feel now more than ever, I need a vacation! This was a harsh winter and when spring hits, I'm gonna consider taking a couple days and going somewhere. I'm considering hitting Chicago for museums, film location scouting and just atmosphere. So I'll save some money for that and hopefully in a couple months, A window will open up where I can go and do that. I've earned that I think.

Anyway, I gotta get back to these cards, but I thought I'd check in. Have a good week everyone!

Luvs, T