A Thanks and a Check in

Hey everyone. I'm here for a quick check in.

I've re-read my last blog post a few times now and I realize that perhaps parts of it just read a bit too on the nose of depression and sadness than I intended. I guess when I free form type as I do, I really get things out raw and at times, that can be quite intense. Sometimes even ambigious as to actual intent and severity. But I have recieved your messages, your notes, your calls, etc. I appreciate all of your support and understanding. I really, really do. Its great to know you are all at my back.

But rest assured, I am okay. Things are progressing. I sold off my last APs and I am clear of all commission work that was clouding my progress. I spent some time vegging out just watching M*A*S*H re-runs and playing with the kids. I went to my new job's orientation this week and I should be starting soon. I am really looking forward to it. I also had a minor victory where someone I have been chasing for over two years for some money owed finally paid me! Of course, its just sitting in my paypal account until I can solve all this hacker BS that happened last week. (UGH) But things are on the up and up.


I even got out of the house and got a bit of work done on my own like the good old days. I cannot describe how good that felt. It was like I reconnected with a bit of my old self again. I tapped into something I had forgotten. And it made me search my brain even deeper. What do I want? How do I want it? Now that I got the cobwebs identified and I am clearing them from my mind with the magic sweeper, the world is my oyster. I know what I don't need in my life and I am working on defeating those demons. I am also down 10 pounds in 15 days on this new diet. My health is improving. My skills are returning. I'm starting to feel like "me" again, and not this defeated, old slug that ignores what his true calling is. I'm not saying I'm all healed at all. I still have a long ways to go. But I've taken my first steps back into myself and I and enjoying what I still remember. And I am confident in my perceptions now that I was right all along. It was me that clouded my judgement and now its me that will undo the damage I've done.

I know what I want, when I am going to do it and how I am going to do it. But most importantly, do I care about the outcome when I do it?

No. I don't. For the first time in a long time, I don't. I don't give a fuck. Because what I want is for me and me alone.

SO: Whats next? No timetable folks. I'm not making promises here. I'm still on a sabbatical from all external forces that got in my goddamn way and sent me on the downward spiral in the first place. I'm back to being a bit selfish. I'm back to doing things that make me happy. I'm back to finishing things how and when I want them done. And when they are ready, they will be ready. I'll let you know. But I'm not allowing external forces, or myself, (especially myself) to get in the way again. I'm taking my life back. I'll finish what I gotta finish, and when its due and in my own good time. Trust me, you'll get everything I promised and more.... and sooner than you think.

I'm slowly reconnecting with my old self again. Its been a long time and I am glad to see I didn't wander too far away. And I had a great conversation with him tonight. Might I provide a screenshot? Why the fuck not....

Hello old friends. Come on in and lets talk....

T

Taking a Break

I’ve crafted this about a hundred times in my head. Each time the depression sets in, I contemplate this. I weigh the pros and cons of the decision and each time I talk myself out of it. I know there’s no way I can ever quit doing art in some form. Either writing, drawing, creating comics, music… something will always be here for me. Because it is in my soul. It is not a part of me, it IS me. But this time the feeling is stronger than ever and I know this time what must be done. So here I am, making the leap to do what I gotta do.

That’s why coming to this eventual realization has been so difficult for me. I’ve trusted in the winds to blow me where I was supposed to go but lately I keep getting blown back to this big wall. Its too tall to climb alone and I find too many things gluing my feet to the ground not allowing me to soar above it all. I’ve entered the age of 36 not liking what I see in myself. Physically, mentally, creatively. I’ve somehow crafted a future that is bleak and not “me.” I’ve dwelled in the thoughts that I should compare and be in the game, when I am playing something else all together. All in all, it has left me with a feeling of being stunted. Unconfident. Depressed. A great Ennui.

Life has thrown a lot at me, especially this last year. I’ve barely held on. I kept standing. I kept pretending it was all okay. But in reality I was drowning. I was too proud to admit defeat (for now). My health has declined out of control, my finances look like Hiroshima, my family life is a constant struggle and I know I have been strong too long. I never cry. Never. But lately, I do. For no reason whatsoever. But I am too proud to let anyone, even my wife, know it. During times I should be up and working while everyone is asleep, I am sitting in a chair crying. Because I know I cannot do this anymore. I need to change it all. I need a self-imposed rehab of sorts.

It is with all of this in mind, that I am now announcing a break from everything involved with my work. I will not be business Facebooking, Twittering, Deviantarting, Hentai Foundarying, etc. Blogs and podcasts will continue but will be more sporatic. I know there might be something that will pop up that I'll feel strongly enough about to comment on, so blogs and podcasts shall continue but not quite as often as before. All plans for Starslam Kickstarter and digital content launch are on hold until such time as I feel like I can take it on. As of today, my paypal account will be closed down (since it was hacked recently, I got a fear of it anyway). All book sales will still be available but I shall not be taking on any commissioned artwork. All productions shall cease and be shut down for the time being. The time table is for me alone to know. Rest assured this is not the end of me. I will return. But right now there are things I need to focus more attention on and the rat race is dragging me down. I do it to myself, I recognize that, and therefore I am changing it. I just want to play in my own head again. I need to pursue what made me happy about doing anything creative in the first place. I am going to embrace the changes in my life and relieve myself of some pressure. Again, all self-imposed pressure. Not your fault. But I recognize where I am falling short with myself and I am now correcting it.

My creating will continue. I am still going to finish things like Starslam, Anna Pocalypse 2, the porn store novel, etc. But I am not imposing myself on any deadline. I will still take on the occasional sketch card gig from trusted companies. I will still work privately on my own things. However I will not be discussing them as much as I did in the past. Sometimes I feel doing so, for me, is a sort of vanity that makes me feel like such a tool. I feel like I am just verbally jerking off when I do that, when I should be polished enough to just let the work be what it is without a million words why and why not, explaining its existence.

For now, I got a night job and I am going to be focusing on that. Getting back to my roots. Getting out and talking to people again and discovering who I am after living in my own head for so damn long. And before long, the pencil will be picked up and put to paper again. Please, don’t worry about me. This is not a cry for help or attention. This isn’t a career suicide. I’m not jumping off any ledge at all. I am just stepping away from the mic for a while. I’m okay. I just know when I’ve done too much to myself and I need to hunker down and take care of business. I will emerge again like a phoenix out of the fire.

I just simply have to go away for a while, and dream it all up again. Believe me, I’ll be back sooner than you think…. And better than before.

Thanks everyone for your support over the years and don’t worry. I’ll be back to show you whats new again. For now, I am excited for the future and changing my life around for the better. See you on the other side!

Cheers, peace and love,

T