Milestones and Happiness

Hey my friends! Crazy weekend. Lots of ups. A few downs, but who cares about those? Life is going too well!

First of all, the major one: I surpassed a personal goal. The first STARSLAM Kickstarter raised $2,896. And now with Starslam 2, this Saturday, we passed that goal and are fast approaching $3K!!! That means Starslam 2 is now the highest grossing pre-order of any comic book I have ever done. I'm humbled and greatly thankful for the love and support this book has got so far. And we've still got 18 days left in the campaign!!!!!!!! What this book and the support as got so far means to me, I cannot begin to describe. Its a long, long story and full of little meanings and feelings for me. I am beyond thrilled that the work is appreciated that much! Thank you!!!

With that, comes this:

The work never stops in STARSLAM world!

Yes, I was able to sling some lead on pages for more Starslam to come! So yeah, exciting! I also had my boys this weekend:

James being crazy like his dad!

New friends!

James reading Danielle a bedtime story. So cute!

I stole her glasses! I always look great in glasses!

On Sunday I took the kids around town for shopping. Scotty got a new disc (natch) and James got a Paw Patrol car and figure, which he's WAY into right now. I dropped them off and then went to my co-workers house. He introduced me to a ton of old NES games I have never played but finally got to sample! 

The lovely Snow Bros! Brings me back to working at the Broadway Theater in Mt. Pleasant...

One of his cats had VERY familiar markings.. looks like my old beloved JAKE! Man I miss that cat. I almost stole this one, they looked so similar. Of course, Jake was way fatter. I think about him a lot. Best cat ever. RIP.

Long weekend. Its gonna be an even longer week this week. I'm doing some different hours at the dayjob for some new training and I gotta get my kids one morning on almost no sleep. Its really gonna mess me up, but its part of the gig I guess. Then somehow I gotta squeeze in the time to get things together for FREE COMIC BOOK DAY at Summit Comics in downtown Lansing. I'll literally be there all day from 8am onward into the later hours. Then Sunday I'll have the kids again. No rest for me! Oh well.

 Lastly, I wanted to share these thoughts. This is from my pal Jim who had the grand opportunity to reboot his life a while back. And these words hit home with me because I know that is what I have been trying to do in my life too. And I think its working....

Honestly, I have no regrets. The universe unfolded as it was supposed to. And we all survived so far, didn't we? That's something. So don't let the barking dogs get to you. Its just noise. Drown it out and live the life you are worth. Reclaim who you are and what you want. It's all about YOU!

Peace and Love,

T

Closing the Museum and Reclaiming ME (through DVDs/BR's!)

Welcome back friends. It has been a while since I've done a deep waters type of blog. Bare with me.

My dad is visiting me this weekend. He's really in deep grief over losing his wife last year. Completely understandable. I feel bad for him. He was married to my mom for 33 years until she died in 2000. Then he remarries a great, great gal and she dies 14 years later. Now he's in his 70s and alone. He lives in a big house full of reminders of her and his past life with others and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He now suffers from major anxiety, panic attacks and probably depression. He hides it well, but I know the symptoms.

I am similar in many ways. I've lost my life at one point as well. Twice, actually. When you basically have to start over from these things, you go through the feels. And its important to go through them. Sadness, Anger, Bitterness... but then one day it sort of just goes POOF! And its gone. Like, yeah it happened. But you made it through it. You survived. You cannot live like a victim all your life.

People die.
People get divorced.
Shit happens.
And its not unique.
Like ocean tides, we ride it all out.

In the end, you find yourself still standing. But when you build your life around someone else and they are no longer there, you are forced to look inward and find out who YOU are. In many ways, I'm still doing that. Maybe I always will be.

When we encounter loss of any sort, you hold on to things. When my mom died, I kept many items that was hers. It made me feel better. But slowly it became a pain to take these things with me and make them a part of my life. Slowly, I learned to let these things go. They where ghosts. Pieces in a museum of my history. And I got tired of reliving it. Some I tossed. Some I gave away to people who I consider personally close to. It just felt right to part with these things. I no longer needed them. In the end, it was just STUFF. And not MY STUFF. I got the best parts of that person anyway in my head. Memories. Their voice in my head. I miss both my moms very much, but they will always still be alive in me, in some way.

Also, when you encounter loss of any sort, you start to reclaim things about yourself. I got back into heavy production of my comics and working hard at 2-3 jobs. Then I got a main job and focused heavy on that. I got the added bonus of meeting many new friends and traveling more. And then I met a couple girls who changed my life and gave me happiness. One girl chose to pursue the life she wanted and I encouraged it. Happy for her. Now I met someone else out of nowhere and she is a different animal. She has helped me embrace parts of myself that I always ignored and have now become comfortable with. She listens and cares about me. She reads my stories and loves to catch up on my blogs here and my podcasts. She's thirsty for knowledge about me. Its unreal. But quite welcome!

All these things I put on the back burner before. But now, I've made them and my happiness a priority. I had to. I had to create NEW memories. I didn't want to be haunted by what happened. I couldn't become a bitter, angry person. I wanted to live and be happy. It took a while, but I made it. Sure, it pops up now and then, but mostly now, its gone. Life goes on and so must we all.

So we close the museum and we reclaim who we are. When I started my journey of the big REBOOT back in January 2015, I had nothing. Just my clothes, cds, vinyl, computer and my books. No tv, no furniture, no bed. I sold all my dvds and blurays to help with my move, food, gas and new bills. Cause I wasn't being paid dick at my two part time jobs. So when I got stable and I found that I enjoyed this new focused priority on my comics and traveling, I decided its time to reclaim ME. And by me, through STUFF! So I did. Little by little I increased my vinyl collection and I started buying DVDs and BluRays. Today I went and got a shelf for them. Check out my collection:

My new shelf! I still don't have ALL my discs on there. I might have to get another one!

My BluRays and Horror collection. Some are missing cause they are loaned out!

Some TV box sets. Some for the kids, but mostly for me!

Odds and Ends, Comedy, Music related and Stand Up!

I don't have nearly as much as I want to get, but I will work on it over time. These here represent me reclaiming myself. I bought back all I had lost and even more. I could make a list of things I want but I honestly have no agenda. I just get things when the whimsy hits me. It feels good. Shelf porn. I'm a big fan of it. I proudly display my things again instead of hiding them from my kids. I'll teach them to respect my things and not touch them... especially that Scott-Bot, who I know is gonna flip when he sees this! (He loves playing with discs)

I don't even have time to sit and watch these movies. Most of these I have never watched since the day I bought them. But I wanted them. Because they are a part of me. The museum of ME! Not a memory of something sad that happened to me. But its a visual soundtrack to my life and likes. This, and my vinyl and my CDs... along with my comics, my kids, my writing... all of these are me.

And I am happy today to say, I like me. Maybe for the first time, ever.

--T

(PS And speaking of reclaiming, I got tickets to see GUNS N ROSES on their reunion tour with my pals Nick and Christine. Its gonna be fuckin' balls awesome!) 

Post MSU Comics Forum Thoughts

Hello my friends, welcome back once again.

Things are okay here. I'm nursing a sprained left foot. I stepped in a damn pothole a couple nights ago and its got all swollen and puffy. I put down my swords and hit the doctor this morning. He thinks I MIGHT have gout, but I doubt it. The pain is not that severe. But it got all big, scary and puffy so I decided to head in to make sure. They gave me a cool little boot and crutches. I'm supposed to be off of work and leg elevated for a few days. So that will suck. I hate being couch ridden. But it will give me some time to check phone stuff and do some reading I suppose.

Yesterday was the MSU COMICS FORUM. I was looking forward to it. I haven't been to a show since Cherry Capital Con back in May. And that show wasn't the most memorable because my beloved cat Jake died while I was gone there. And of course, its been a rough year after that. So it was a good feeling to get out and set up shop somewhere again. I saw a lot of my old pals, met a couple new ones. The show itself was slow, but I didn't mind at all. I had a good time sitting and talking with Dean, Jay, Sherief, Daniel, Bruce and a few others. I didn't do any drawing at the show. Just kinda hung back and enjoyed myself. I was nursing a wounded limb anyway, so that was okay. But its always good to go back and fuel yourself with what everyone else is doing and what everyone you haven't met yet is coming out with.

One event that happened was a guy who reads my blog here came up and we had a long discussion about what he's gone through the last few years in his own life journey. He's been through a lot too and he felt inspired to talk to me about his life and how he's reflected what I've been saying the last few months. I can't tell you what those little moments mean to me. I've had quite a few of them over the years. Like when I started PLEASANT LIFE back in college and it was inspired by my mother's death. And I was sitting in a diner and that girl came up and recognized me from the TV spot on CMU TV and told me how my comic made her cry and reminded her of losing her grandpa recently. Every now and then I am gifted with a little moment of "Hey, I've been through that too and you're capturing the feeling of it well. Keep it up!" It feels amazing every time it happens. So thanks sir for coming up and meeting me and telling me your story. And I hope you enjoy the book you got from me. PLEASANT LIFE, my most personal work. Fitting that is the book he picked to buy! I appreciate it.

Overall I had a great time on Saturday at the show and I know I am looking forward to FCBD and the Grand Rapids show. And maybe one more show later in the fall. We'll see what the winds blow my way. But for now, GET SOME GODDAMN WORK DONE! HA!

The cold air in Michigan is quite unbareable. Its often -28 degrees below Zero. Mind numbingly cold. In my apartment it gets cold. But luckily I can snuggle under my blankets and keep warm. I got my warm house robe and slippers. And the warmth of a cup of coffee and Dylan on vinyl to keep me from freezing. I take my space heater to work and keep myself from shaking. This winter has been brutal! Or maybe its because I'm down 60 pounds and I have less fat keeping me warm! Well, a fair trade I suppose! I'm down to 314 and that feels AMAZING!

So things are going well. My foot is trying to get better, I'm in a gloriously happy mood lately. I'm even drawing again. Life is defintely on the mend. Crutches be damned!

Have a good week my friends!

T

It Gets Better

"It Gets Better."

One simple phrase. I've heard it a lot over the last few months. Its a blanket statement that applies to everything in my life lately. I've had many discussions with friends, strangers, collegues about things they've went through. Any hurt they've had to process. Any change they've dealt with in their lives. Strangers open up to each other and tell things they wouldn't tell their best friends. Its a unique exchange that I am enjoying. But inevitably, no matter what their struggle is, no matter what we talk about that they had to overcome, it all comes down to one phrase... one they say themselves. One that I keep getting drilled into my head over and over.

"It Gets Better."

A few months ago, I never would have believed that. I was in my lowest point. I was a completely different person almost. I was ready to check out. Turn in my chips. Tap out. I'm done. I've got no more left. But I didn't. You've read that blog. Its an old story that I'm tired of re-telling, frankly. Because its just so foreign a concept to ponder for someone like me. Its not in my nature to give up. I don't quit. I stay in there until I am finished. I don't slam the phone down. I don't walk away in a huff. I say what I need to say and do what I gotta do. Cause if you stay in there and do what you gotta do, learn what you gotta learn, take the necessary steps.. guess what?

"It Gets Better."

Somewhere along the line I got bored of reliving it all. I got tired of rehashing what I felt. It certainly isn't over for me. It will take more time than has already passed. But I can safely say that it does indeed, get better. Whatever "IT" is. Things. Your World. This Life. Whatever you want to change, you can make it happen. I love a good success story. I love stories of people beating impossible odds and finding a new life for themselves. Finding happiness on the other side. We all strive to be the hero of our story. Our lives unfold like a movie. You are the star of it. How do you want the movie to end? I prefer happy endings to tragic ones, myself.

I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I'm 37 years old. Single. I work three jobs. I'm a gas station clerk, a front line cashier at a grocery store and an artist. There's a tiny voice inside of me that says I should be ashamed that I work at these places. Like I should be farther along than that. I should have an upscale job that demands more respect. But you know what? I like my jobs. I really do. At the cashier place I interact with hundreds of people a day. I crack jokes, I let my personality shine. I run around taking care of business and I fucking enjoy it. And apparently I'm good at it. I am fast and my rates that are tracked are high for a newbie. I'm proud of that. I mess up sometimes, but I am learning the gig. I enjoy it. Its a long drive and sorta out of my way. Only 20-25 hours a week, but I enjoy it. The other job is overnights and I deal with drunkards, young silly kids who should piss me off. But they don't. I am happy to chat with them and make them happy. Over the cold few weeks they come in and we bond. I had a guy push me out of the snow here at my apartment complex a couple weeks ago when we got 15" of snow. He comes up with his girlfriend and chats with me for hours there. I sit and listen to cds and do extra cleaning. I come home, get about 4-6 hours of sleep and start it all over again. Any day off I have is either to recoop from sleep, clean the house or go out with friends. I go see my kids too. Its a mish-mash of a rhythm but it seems to work. I barely pull enough in to pay my bills, so I cannot keep this up forever. Something will have to increase in hours or pay. But I am not worried about it. It will come. I trust in the winds to show me the way.

I've been meeting new people. I talk with a few, everyday. GREAT people too! I've made connections with some of them. I go out and hang out or go out on a date or two. It just makes me feel so happy and alive. I have nothing holding me back, even myself. I come home to a cold, empty apartment and I don't fear it. I don't sit and wallow in pity or act like I'm some great victim of what life handed me. I used to. But not anymore. I'm healing. I'm... "Getting better."

But one element has been missing. Sorely missing. A major element too. I'd come home with a few hours to myself and say "tonights the night!" and I don't do it. Or I bring it to work to do it during my downtime.. and it doesn't happen. I just haven't been able to start. I'm speaking of course about drawing. The one element of my life that has been a constant since I was a child. The thing that healed me through many changing seasons of my life. I saw the pencil lying there and I just couldn't pick it up. Maybe I feared that I was no good anymore. I'm not sure why I haven't felt the motivation to do it. But this week, I did. I grabbed out some of the Starslam books for Kickstarter and started my sketches. this week, I drew 11 of them. I also wrote out some changes to a script I will work on one day. I started sketches for a STARSLAM pinup I am doing for my loyal Kickstarter supporters. And the poses are better than anything I coulda done a few months ago. I'm starting to feel the explosion of my art once again. Its an amazing feeling! I'm getting inspired. I just want to go outside, run through nature and enjoy the sun on my face. Unfortunately, its cold as shit out and I haven't seen the sun in a month! But it will come back. The snow and ice will melt and I can do those things. Patience. The weather will get better too.

I gotta thank my art brother Jay Fosgitt for lighting my fire a bit this week. He got my head back in the game. And my other pal Jay Durden for making the same suggestion and I missed it. Its for them I stepped up to the plate, dug out some old art of mine to put on the challege and I realized that I had good stuff. I began to miss it. I hadn't looked at that stuff in a while. So I wanted to see if I could make more. So I started to. Sometimes you just need a spark or a push out the door to get you going. Thanks guys. 

Nothing I have gone through is making me who I am today. It certainly has happened and I weathered (or am weathering) it. But slowly, everything is becoming an equasion. Simple math. I have total freedom to decide who and what I want. I remember a scene from Adrian Tomine's OPTIC NERVE comic. A girl drives to a new town for a new start. She gets there and is sitting in her car. And she stops and says, "I can be whoever I want to be when I step out of this car." And thats so true for all of us. We can chose to be the person we want to be right now. Today. This moment. This can be the moment in the movie where we rise to the conflict and the montage music starts. We start striving to get better and beat our demons... who or whatever they are. And we'll come out the other side and know one thing..... "it got better!"

I was reading my friend Joe Peacock's BLOG today and he said something that really struck me. He said "its not going to define you. It allows you to define yourself." And thats what I am doing. I am embracing who and what I want in life. I don't settle. I don't let my two part time jobs that others would deem "beneath" them to define me as a person. I'm enjoying the ride I'm on. I don't get scared to take a chance or say what I want to say. If I want to stop a girl and say she's got a great shirt on or nice nails or hairstyle, I'm gonna do that. If I wanna ask a dude where he got his shoes, I will. If I want to ask one of my favorite artists or writers for a critique, I will. Because I can. The fear is gone. The hurt is gone. The anger rises sometimes, but it soon does dissipate into nothingness, just as swiftly as it came. 

So.. basically...  No matter what you are going through. No matter how high you have to climb the mountain before you. No matter what asshole says you can't, but you know you can and WILL... It Gets Better.

Much love to you all!

T

PS - BTW, I am now almost 60 pounds in weight loss. Still going! 

Baking Bread

(Note: I am still on some self-imposed Internet break so I can get shit done. But I will post a blog now and then. So here's one. Enjoy.)

Today I baked bread. It was a big moment. I moved into this apartment on January 16^th. I haven’t done any cooking in the last couple months. I just haven’t felt like it. I haven’t felt like myself really at all. I cranked out the Avengers 2 cards barely. I haven’t even touched the next set I am on. And I got another card set coming this week I think. I’ve ceased all production on Starslam and Anna 2, and I am just stalling. I don’t even know where all my pencils are. I just haven’t felt the drive to draw anything at all. While I got a TO DO list a mile long, I just sit and stall. I don’t know why.

Lately I am on autopilot. I get about 3-5 hours of sleep a night. I work one job. Come home and attempt a nap but end up just tossing and turning. Apply for higher paying jobs that don’t call back. Then I get up and head to the other job. Since its overnights also, that fucks with my patterns. I have no TV so I can’t keep up with any of my shows. Better Call Saul and Walking Dead are on and I can’t watch them except for illegal streaming sites. There’s not much NEW that I’ve dissected. However I did get the newest Marilyn Manson album, which is surprisingly good.

The death of my second mother is like a gaping wound right now. I have plenty of other wounds around it too. Some are healing. But this one is fresh. It cuts deep. It taps into things I wasn’t ready to think about again. I work alone at the gas station and late at night when I am done listening to Cds, I sit and think. Or talk aloud to myself. Maybe its me going crazy. Quite possibly. I can do crazy. I’m good at it! I think about all that I use to distract myself from actually getting down to business. Like the internet. I surf Facebook and I just sit and waste time. Precious time I could be using to get my shit done. But the drive just simply hasn’t been there. I feel tired all the time. I feel weak.

This week is Valentine’s Day. Everyone is coming into my store buying cards, presents, balloons, etc. I smile back most of the time. Wow, look at them being happy in love. I am happy for them. That’s genuine. But then a goddamn song comes on the speakers and it makes me sad. Stephen Bishop’s “It Might Be You.” The song from TOOTSIE. It only took one line. One simple fucking line. “Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me…” UGH. But I’m not even going to get into that. But then the questions come. “You got big plans for Valentine’s Day?” It’s meaningless chatter to make with your friendly neighborhood cashier. But they don’t know they just helped twist the knife just a bit more as it hangs there. Deflect it with a joke. That’s easier. Hide it. Hide myself. Don’t let them see you bite your lip again. I bite this part of my lip when I start to feel the sudden sting of possible tears. It’s sore as hell.

I put forth Internet silence as a punishment for myself to tell me to get the fuck back in the game and get back to work. I got artwork that needs to be done. Artwork has always been there for me. As a kid, I dealt with bullies by drawing. When my mom died, I put her story in my comics. The list of examples goes on and on. It’s just how I deal with things. I’ve wrote a new book. A mini-book that I want to do on the side.

I’m still raw. I’ve been beat to death the last year. How I am still in one piece, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s keeping me standing here. But I am. And as I have recently told myself in a dark time not long ago: “I’m not done yet.”

So today, I dusted off the stove and used it for the first time. I made banana bread. I don’t even have all the proper utensils or a mixing bowl. I had to use what little I have to mix it all together. But I baked it. Later after cooling I tasted it. Delicious! Still tastes the same as if I cooked it six months ago. It tastes like I made it. I’m still me. I’m going out and meeting new people and having new experiences. I’ve had some deep, deep talks recently with friends. Its helped me reconnect and make me realize that no matter what, I’m still me. And I still can draw. And I still bake bread. And nothing has changed me. The core me. The bread tastes the same. The artwork will still come. I just need to get going.

I’ve got many adventures left to go on. Time for me to get back in the saddle and get to work.