STARSLAM KICKSTARTER IS LIVE!

 

Hey friends! I'm happy to announce that my new book is now available on Kickstarter! Get digital copies, physical copies, commissions and more! (Note, this is an ADULTS ONLY NSFW book. 18+ only!)

Click here to get it! http://kck.st/3SG2Tr2

CAP CITY CON RECAP~

Hey friends! Last week was the CAP CITY COMIC CON in Lansing, MI! 

I had a great time out there and it was great to meet all of you! Here are some pics: 

 

 

Cosplay I can get behind...

COMMISSIONED CARDS:

I'm retiring this old girlie. Anyone wanna buy her?

It was a great time. Thanks for coming out! 

So now Its back home and getting projects done. I'm still doing my longform NSFW comic called "CONFESSIONS" that is a Patreon exclusive! Ramping up to the finale right now! Read it and over six years of other smut comics I've done by joining our community there! Click HERE

You can get ALL my books via digital download at Drivethrucomics! (you'll have to create a login to see them. Its free!) Click HERE FOR THAT.

Last bit... some teasers of what is to come for the STARSLAM REMASTER! Kickstarter launches hopefully in August!

  Exciting stuff to come! Thanks for reading! Onward and upward!!

I'm BACK!

 Hello friends. It's been a whiiiiiiillle.......

 

A few years ago I moved all operations from here to my Patreon site. Its been good there and I've had support there for years. However, most of the stuff there is NSFW focused and I was missing hitting a more safe for work friendly exposure. So I decided to start seperating the two. I will return to regular posts/blogs/info here and mostly use the Patreon for NSFW comics. 

Whats going on at the Patron exactly? Well, Ive got over SIX YEARS of content there! Over 72 stories and right now I am doing a long form erotica comic there called CONFESSIONS. It is ramping up toward its major conclusion that will drop later this year. But for now, it still updates monthly, along with smutty pinups and other things. I also post my IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW PODCAST there, ad free! If you are into such things, check out my Patreon right here: ADAM PATREON HERE CLICK ME

While I'm on the subject of smut, let me reveal that I am remastering/retooling my STARSLAM comics! See, the first book was originally a webcomic, that premiered right here at my faithful old website! I collected it into a book and it sold well. So I did 3 more books and they were all vertical! So the art didn't match. Plus the art is over 10 years old! I was coming up on the anniversary so I decided to try and retool the original book and make it vertical. But then I found a way to just completely REDRAW the whole thing digitally and change the colors and style to my current liking. If this goes well, I will remaster the other three books. I won't have to redraw them, but I will fix mistakes, change a few things and work on the colors so they all match! I'll launch a Kickstarter for the retooled/remastered STARSLAM book 1 this summer! Here's a safe for work peek at a couple of the new pages! 

 So, last year I relaunched my comedy/drama book about geeks and their relationships: PLEASANT LIFE! I did a 500 page graphic novel for these characters 20 years ago, using stories inspired from my own life! Well, its many years later and I wanted to catch up with them. So I started doing an ongoing series! I launched issue 1 via kickstarter last year and then I just did a kickstarter for issues 2-3! I'll do another Kickstarter for issues 4-5 this summer as well! (I'm a goddamn machine!) Here's a look at all three covers: 

You can get these three issues via digital download, plus all my smut books at my GUMROAD website by clicking here: GUMROAD STORE! CLICKY CLICK!

APPEARANCES: 

I'll be doing two appearances this year celebrating my 30th year in comics and selfpublishing! Coming up next is an appearance at Summit Comics in downtown Lansing, MI for FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! I'll have my books and be doing free sketches for the kids! Info At their Facebook page HERE!

 And as if Lansing couldn't get enough of me... Once again I will be exhibiting at the Capital City Comic Con in July! Info on the show here: CAP CITY CON!

Beyond that, things have been good for me. I'm still rockin' and rollin' and kicking ass. Still podcasting! (Search for IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW on Itunes and subscribe, its FREE!) and doing all sorts of comics and art. I just uploaded a bunch of personal sketchbook stuff on my Facebook page and Instagram page. You're welcome to follow/add me there. 

So I have returned to Idiothead.com - Feel free to check back often as I will be updating here a lot more. And if you like the smut I do, check out the Patreon, which will be there exclusively. Beyond that, I remain yours, 

--ADAM TALLEY

 

A Bunch of Things

Hey friends! 

 

Well we crossed into the safe haven that was to be 2020 and our clean slate was met with the threat of total annihilation. I won't even go into the rock em' sock em' robots game that never seems to end. Let's just focus on our own back porch a bit shall we?

 

I keep blogging and writing because I enjoy it. It exercises my brain. I heard a comedian recently refer to blogging as "having a conversation that no one wants to have with you." I don't believe that. I follow certain writers and people who I know either through their work or personally and I love their words. I love to hear their day to day. I love to know they struggle too. It helps me. 

 

There are three artists, all of whom I have looked up to over the years, recently revealed their struggles. One had their artwork denied for a charity art auction. THEM! Are you kidding me? Their art is fucking awesome! You deny THEM?? Another whom I thought would be very financially secure is struggling to make his rent and has to do commissions to make ends meet. The third has to take meds, therapy and a bunch of other issues. Goes to show that everyone is going through something. Everyone you meet has a battle and a story to tell. Never forget that. 

So that is on my mind. Trying to police my own thoughts. Trying to be better at everything. I'm working hard at it. I'm working ahead on things like the Patreon and trying to catch up with everything I have out there and promised. I'm trying hard to keep promoting and play the game I have to play, while also taking the time to read a book, play a game, watch a flick I've been meaning to watch, etc. 

 

Life. Its beautiful!

Check this out: 

This year was the first time I publicly talked about STARSLAM. Not quite the anniversary of her first publishing. That comes in 2024 I think. I did create her and take her to San Diego Comic Con back in 2008, but she wasn't book published until 2014 I think it was. Before that she was online only. So what is the official anniversary? I don't know, but its coming up soon. She's been my life pretty much for the last few years. While I've done some other books here and there and a lot of erotica work on the Patreon and erotical collections, STARSLAM has been the baby I've been raising. Also, its my highest selling. Check this: 

With the exception of an ANNA POCALYPSE here and there, its all been my erotica work that has sold. I understand why and all that. But I still hope I am able to publish a slice of life drama/comedy that is PLEASANT LIFE and get the same amount of acceptance. Its one of the things that has held me back from doing the sequel to it I have been talking about for years. I have 60 pages done and I am slowly going to put them on the Patreon starting in March. So if you like PLEASANT LIFE, consider joining to read it! More on that another time. Let's talk about the now.

Twenty Five years of self publishing last year. TWENTY-FIVE. Look at this:

Original art from the Erotica Collections.

All the original art for STARSLAM RETURNS, my latest book.

Big tub of original art. 99% of it is mine. Some are by friends of mine that I have collected over the years. Also a painting tray from college!

I've done a lot of shit. Lots of books. All of which you can get digitally. Some physical are sold out. I don't reprint the majority of it. I should and keep it safe so people can get them. Maybe I will look into bettering myself at an online store presence. Just a whimsy I shall chase soon. 

My dad turned 75 yesterday. He's made it the farthest in age than anyone in my family ever has. I called him yesterday and he's doing okay. That is great, considering the great scare I had with him in October. I'm proud of him and honored to have him in my life. I really hit the parental lottery when it came to my folks. My mom will be gone 20 years this December. That is unreal. I still think about her everyday.

I'm going random here but there are many things on my mind. Many things I want to do and promises to myself and to you I want to keep. I'm working hard on the work, the day job, myself and everything I can squeeze in. I promise someday I will have it all figured out. Maybe you will too. Here's to the struggle!

Thanks for reading and supporting. I appreciate it. 

--T

Funded!

We did it. We got my newest book, STARSLAM RETURNS, funded! It kept chugging along, unstoppable. We did it.

I'm beyond excited for everything to come. A lot of older fans came back and got some of the bigger rewards right away. We got a nice collection of new folks checking things out. Its amazing to watch unfold. Absolutely what I wanted!

Now of course, we have the STRETCH GOALS to shoot for. Add on pages, bookmarks, pinups, centerfolds and so much more. We have 15 more days in the campaign and everything is far from over. I know we will achieve so much more and everyone will take home a bunch of stuff from this thing. I cannot wait to pack those mailers with all the stuff... ALL THE THINGS! Treat yourself. You deserve it!

On a personal level, to see another STARSLAM adventure funded is beyond anything I can put into words. What started as a rejected comic pitch at 2008 San Diego Comic Con has now turned into my biggest indie comic franchise. I can't even keep up with it. Without realizing I was doing it, I have built a rich universe of stories and characters to draw from for the story. There is so much more to do in my head and I cannot wait to get to the future adventures. It seems weird for me to pause and remember this one, as its been in my head for so long before this. To finally see it snowballing and supported like this, is just wonderful. Thank you for helping me bring it to life!

There is much work to be done. Colors are being done as we speak. I am finishing up the final pages and getting them inked and scanned. This is going to be the best of them all, I can feel it. You're going to love it.

Haven't jumped onboard yet? Join my Kickstarter for STARSLAM RETURNS by clicking right HERE

"It's time to fly!"

--T

A Hundred Thoughts at Once

Hello friends!

I don't get much of a chance to write blogs as much as I used to. Just have been in heavy production with the new KICKSTARTER FOR STARSLAM BOOK 4 and commissions. Also my PATREON PAGE. Plus day job taking up lots of time. It is necessary though. I've just been busy. Looking forward to a vacation we will be taking to Lake Michigan in September for a couple nights of camping. To get away from it all is very much desired. I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet and nature surrounding me. Just disconnect and get away from it all. That is what I need!

My mind is so busy lately. So much going on. So many things that attempt to bring me down. I got a new sketchbook yesterday and it exploded into some sketches, writings and single panel comics all in one day. I've done this sort of thing since high school. I write poems, do quick sketches, to do lists and other various notes and ideas I hope to one day get to. I think I have about twelve fully loaded sketchbooks full of things. Maybe someday my kids will read them. But I've wrote some DARK shit in those. I hope they don't think I was a massive depressive person all my life! Usually my sketchbooks are for therapy. I get out the crap I am feeling. Seems like something new is always around the corner to come along and try to fuck me up. But that's life, isn't it?

Things are okay. My bills are paid. My Kickstarter is off to a good start. I'm pretty sure things will keep rolling and it will get funded. Its slowly trickling together. I'm damn proud of it. My colorist is working extra hard to get things rolling with me and he's kicking so much ass. I have some friends doing pinups and fan art for the book and beyond. Its incredible to see! I'm truly blessed in these things.

This week, this album turns 25 years old:

This is an album in my top 10 of all time. I got turned onto it by my friend Tim, to whom I am forever grateful for that. It took me a while to fully listen to it beyond a casual listen. I pulled it out while I was in some down times back in 2015. I call it the "soundtrack to my divorce" album. It was my therapy. It helped me fall in love again. I owe a lot to this album. I became a total Jeff Buckley fan, chasing down every live CD/DVD, his demos of his unreleased second album. I have all the Record Store Day releases too. Just a month ago I found the LEGACY edition with the extra disc and DVD full of videos and documentaries. Jeff was that soul of a poet whose life was taken from us way too soon. But man, what an album to leave behind. So fucking great.

Currently also I have been listening to this:

I saw the movie in the theaters a couple weeks ago and I absolutely loved it. My favorite of the year so far. The soundtrack comes complete with radio ramp ups and commercials. You toss it on and its like you are cruising around in 1969. I know people are trying to assign a certain agenda and crap to Tarantino now, but I think the man is just wonderful. He is my favorite modern director out there. I love all of his films. My favorites being Kill Bill and Jackie Brown. Just fucking awesome.

I don't get out to the comic shop much but I am absolutely loving the new YEAR FIVE Star Trek series from IDW. The art and writing on it are top fucking notch. I think I practically own every single STAR TREK comic that is out there. These new ones are greatness. Total wood.

And I am still diving through STAR TREK DISCOVERY, despite my initial reaction to it. I am almost done with the first season. As a show, I like it. As a STAR TREK show, I don't. But I do watch it. I like most of the characters. I just try to not pay attention that it is a Star Trek prequel and just think its an alternate timeline. Much like I think STAR TREK PICARD will be. But hey, at least I am getting new Star Trek. I'll take it.

So many cool things are coming. A BREAKING BAD movie, THE MANDALORIAN, STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER, GHOSTBUSTERS REMASTERED for PS4, LINKS AWAKENING and DRAGON QUEST 11 for Switch... I'm just bursting. Good shit is on the way! I can't wait.

I got big things coming up. I got this current Kickstarter that is running. Then Fantasticon Mt. Pleasant in October. A nice vacation in September and of course HALLOWEEN SEASON all the fall! Greatness just around the corner. For now, I just gotta clean house, keep drawing and enjoy the ride. Keep that depression and the toxic people at bay. I'm doing a good job of it so far. But man sometimes it is so hard.

I'm trying, folks. I really am.

Cheers, T

Kickstarter for STARSLAM RETURNS is Live!

Hello my friends! The Kickstarter for my new erotica graphic novel, STARSLAM RETURNS is live on Kickstarter and you can pre-order the book and get great stuff for yourself right here:

STARSLAM KICKSTARTER HERE

Below here is a trailer I made for the book on YOUTUBE:

Its 140 pages of slam bang hot action as Bethany Hofferman (STARSLAM) comes to terms with who she is and why she does what she does. There are a ton of new characters and the return of a few old friends in STARSLAM RETURNS!

Folks, I'm proud of this one. I've had it in my head since last year. And now I'm seeing it all come together, its a happening. A total happening. You won't want to miss it. Join my Kickstarter now and get the book to see all the glory! I thank you for your support.

STARSLAM KICKSTARTER HERE

STARSLAM 4 is coming!

Hey friends,

The world is going buck wild right now for AVENGERS: ENDGAME. I saw it last weekend before my work shift. It was amazing, of course. I'm glad everyone is mostly digging it out there. I'm more of a DC guy honestly, but they've kind of shit the bed on their movies as of late. Over 22 films they have really built up something unique and wonderful.

Brings me to some thoughts. This year I've been doing comics for 25 years and I have no plans to stop for the moment. I've created characters and worlds for people to dwell in and its been an honor. I have people email and message me often saying that they've re-read this or that story or did a binge of my stuff and really get into the ins and outs of it. I've even had a couple tell me they counted how many times certain characters did this or that in STARSLAM! Wow! Its strange to see people get into what I do with the same zeal and excitement that I do with the stuff I like. Its an incredible feeling.

With these comics, I have built my own worlds. In re-reading STARSLAM, I have created so many characters over three books and a few short story expansions. I already promised a stand alone DEFENDERS OF EARTH comic. I've been working on a sequel to my own PLEASANT LIFE comic during the downtime.

But I am now going to publicly say this:

I miss STARSLAM. I wonder what she's up to. So much so that a few months ago I pulled out the story idea I had and started working. I am 70 pages into it. Its hard to ignore the pull that character and her world has for me. So I'm happy to say that yes, I am working on "STARSLAM 4" and PLEASANT LIFE 2 at the same time. I hope to release both within the next year!

To tease:

No spoilers. Out of context. Assume nothing. But this new book will be awesome. I'm enjoying the fuck out of drawing it. STARSLAM will rise again. How? That's the fun part!

The future is bright my friends. Onward!

--T

Upside Down

Hello friends! 

Life this week has been up, then down, then up again. I'm surviving. Did 50 hours at the day job and I spent time at the table too! Good news is I got my monthly commissions inked. Just have to scan/color them. Will post live here on Patreon soon! Also I got all the STARSLAM BONUS 20 PAGE STORY all done! Just gotta scan, clean up and send to my colorist. I was trying to get ahead on the KISS cards as they are due at the end of the month. I did a big chunk at the day job but after penciling around 30 of them, I realized I drew them all upside down!!! There's a KISS logo at the top of the cards and I drew them upside down. Used to the logos on the STAR WARS sets, where the logo is at the bottom. I went on auto pilot and created more work for myself. Great! :)

I am happy to say I am three months ahead on Patreon stories, pencils and inks all done for them. I just need a couple good nights of scanning, coloring and lettering. I'm starting the new year off with a special treat for longtime fans of my stuff. 

Also, I have ramped up production on PLEASANT LIFE 2!!! I got 6 new pages all penciled and I began inks. These will add to the already 40 I had previously done. But I drew a major scene in the book today. The reunion has begun!

 
I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. Its done me no good as far as promoting what I am doing and its a MAJOR distraction with lots of headaches attached. I do miss it but I think I just need to disconnect for a while. 

Let HENRY ROLLINS say it better than I can:

With Facebook now 5 days out of my life, I am reading more. I finished Brian Posehn's FOREVER NERDY and am now reading FRANK ZAPPA's Autobiography. Its a fun read so far.  

In good news I got about 90% of my Xmas shopping done. Tomorrow as I write this, I am getting my boys for the weekend. I plan to cook a nice ham, green beans and mashed potatoes. Just spend a weekend with them relaxing and then artworking when I can. Believe me, I need both. To be productive and to relax. This week was a hell week for many reasons. But I am on the upswing and that ain't gonna change. 

So why not smile a bit? Maybe do a fashion show: 

Life is full of upside down moments. Its up to us to turn it right side up and get on with it. 

Onward. --T

THE EROTIC ZONE is FUNDED!!

Hello my friends! Wow, I am blown away right now. In less than 2.5 days, we made funding! Go us!! I say us, because one thing Ive learned about crowdfunding a project, its as much about US as it is about me. It is all DIY to a point but then its up to all of us to continue the grassroots campaign. So if you like what we are doing here, be sure to spread the word about these comics on your social media to other like minded folks who would be into it. I appreciate you spreading the word with me.

This is my 6th Kickstarter effort and I see a few old friends that have come back to be an ADAM COMPLETIST! :) But majority of names I do not recognize and therefore are NEW!! That excites me and I welcome you to our little group of erotic rock star readers! In seeing that, I decided that maybe I needed to expand rewards and include STARSLAM 1 and 2 in physical and digital forms.

Either way, I appreciate the support, my friends. Lets keep rocking and rolling towards some of those stretch goals and get some nice new bonuses for you to enjoy!

Thank you!!

Have not got to check out the Kickstarter yet? The link is right:

HERE

Thanks! ~~~T

NEW WEBSITE CONTENT! BUY BOOKS DIGITALLY!

Hey friends. A bit of an update to the website here. First of all if you look to the right, there are two new links (as well as in the ONLINE STORE). There is now a direct link to gumroad.com where you can buy four of my graphic novels (Pleasant Life 1, Anna Pocalypse and Starslam 1-2) all via PDF download for the cheap price of $5! Just click the link, select what ones you want, pay and you get the download! NICE!!

Now for the COMMISSIONS link, I provided one to the right now. Also, an update to Commission prices. I'm now offering DIGITAL ONLY commissions for a discounted and fair price. Here's the new commission breakdown:

DIGITAL ART PRICES:
8x11 Single Illustration 1-4 characters with background is $30.
8x11 Page Illustration 1-6 panels is $50. 
Prices include digital coloring, no balloons. Additional characters is extra. Content MUST be cleared by artist beforehand. 

ORIGINAL ART PRICES:  
8x11 Single Illustration on Bristol Board. 1-3 characters with background is $50. 
11x17 Single Illustration on Bristol Board. 1-3 characters is $80. 
Prices are for black and white only. Color is $20 extra. Additional characters is extra. Content MUST be cleared by artist beforehand. 

There will be more changes to come down the road but for now, this will get some things up and running where they should be. If any questions feel free to email me. 

Thanks, T

How I Spent My New Years

Hello friends!

Well, we've made it. We're on the other side to good ol' 2017. Where it will be all safe,no good celebrity deaths and filled with cotton candy kisses, chocolate rainbows and fluffy kittens, right? Lets hope so!

For me, I didn't have that eventful of a New Years' Eve. We had planned to go out but I ended up having to get the kids early the next day, so I just stayed at home and drank...

Jager and always a chaser. Nice!

The week before I did a nice round of overtime, but I did find some time to do some post Xmas shopping with my lottery wins....

I'll tell you, I'm not a fan of these POP figures but I saw this and I had to have it. People are saying its my gateway drug but I swear this probably will be my only one...... probably.

I got a nice stack of CDs from Replay and FBC in Lansing. Most of these I already own digitally, but I want a physical copy for my new shelf...

I used to have a shelf like this but I parted ways with it when I got rid of my CDs a few years ago. Since then I have grabbed new CDs/music DVDs here and there and haven't had a place to put them... until NOW! But man there's a lot of room for more. I guess I am going to have to go out and grab some more essentials!

My girl enjoying her Xmas present of a Sega Genesis! We also did some Wii Bowling and Harry Potter Lego.

Now that we've crossed the great barrier into the safe zone (being facetious there), its time to get into some new habits. I have started to eat and live healthier. Its going to be a very slow process and no hardcore crash diets type of thing. Its little changes, gradual changes and keeping things rolling. I'm also doing a lot of meditating and reading, as well as other things. I'm taking care of me. That's the important thing.

I am also busy on actual artworking! I'm working hard to get this horror comic/Caleb tribute book out the door. Only about 3-4 pages left to do for it plus a cover. I've given myself until end of this month to finish it but truthfully, I could have it done in a week if I wanted to. Expect a Kickstarter or something for it soon! After this book is done, its full speed ahead on Starslam 3. I did some new Pleasant Life 2 pages last week as well and who knows what else is lurking and not being talked about as much!

I also took some time this week to do some filming for the new VLOG channel! We went a few places and I shot stuff and shot lots of stuff at home to add to what I already got in the can. I got enough material now for about 4-5 Vlogs to start out with. I will launch Vlog #1 this month after I get some small shots done that I need for it. I really am enjoying the creativity of the project. Its part documentary, part home movies, part walkthrough, part comedy... I got this overall arch that I want to do over the course of this year and have planned out "episodes" of it already to wrap around things that are going to come up.

One of my main goals this year is to gather a rhythm for getting things done. I know there are obligations like family and day job that will derail some of this sometimes, but for the most part I am committed to just getting my shit done. And I am not compromising my time or attention to do it. If I have to wall myself up and give out a lot of "No's" to make it happen, so be it. I feel bad but I got commitments to answer to. Mainly to you fine folks! A promise is a promise, so let's get it done!

Anyway, enough treading water. Time to get on it! I hope you had a safe and happy new year. Let's go grab 2017 by the nuts and make it our bitch!

Cheers, T

MAJOR BOOK SALE!

Hey friends! It's time to clean house a little bit.

I want people to read my books. And I understand times are tough. So why not a sale? This might be the best deal I have ever offered on my comics. Here's the skinny:

ALL my books are $10 each! Pleasant Life collected (500 pages), Anna Pocalypse (84 pages), Captain's Log Artbook (200 pages), Starslam 1 (126 pages), Starslam 2 (128 pages).

That's a lot of comics! You're basically getting them at cost. So for the measly cost of $10 a book plus shipping, you can get one of my five major graphic novels I sell at my online store here for usually $20-25 each. That is a MAJOR discount!

And I'll go you one better: Every order over $30 gets entered into a drawing to win this: My 6'x3' ANNA POCALYPSE Convention Scrolly! I took it to many shows for over 4 years and it might be yours if I draw your name!

--Each book comes autographed inside and ships in 1-2 weeks after placing your order.
--For international shipping, please add an extra $10 to the total.
--On Sept 30th a winner will be drawn from the names of anyone who places an order of $30 or more. They will then be notified and I will ship the scrolly directly to them at that time. 

Simply click on one of these links and order. I will then email you and ask you which books you want, since paypal isn't letting people type it in. Paypal takes credit card!

ONE BOOK: 

TWO BOOKS: 

THREE BOOKS: 

FOUR BOOKS: 

FIVE BOOKS! 

SALE ENDS SEPT. 30th at 11:59pm. Get on this now. Supplies are limited!! Support indie comics! You'll never see a sale here better than this.

--Thanks, T

Birthday Weekend Recap

Hey friends. I recapped my birthday weekend on the recent IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW PODCAST (DOWNLOAD/STREAM HERE) so I won't reiterate it too much. Overall it was decent. I spent time with myself on Saturday doing some shopping and tons of coloring. (I shared that last time)

On Sunday I read, plugged up my new amp and played and spent time with my boys. After that, a solo steak dinner, football and then more coloring and a commission. All in all, a decent weekend. Here's some of what I colored on Sunday:

A pinup of Goddess Tyra from STARSLAM.

The PLEASANT LIFE gang. Man I can't wait to finish their new book! (Coming whenever)

I got a couple more commissions to finish this week so we'll see how far I can get with them.

I got into a bit of a low on Sunday, thanks to my mind wandering. You try to live a life of no regrets but then you look back on the last 38 years of your life and wonder things like: "What if?" What if 20 years ago I did this instead of that. Or told this person off or met this person then instead of now. All these what ifs. Then you think back to people that used to be in your life and you had such great chemestry with at the time. You decide to look them up and see what they are doing. Sometimes you find them. You reach out and say HI, HOW YOU BEEN. Some answer, some don't. You reach out and just say that you were thinking of them and you miss their friendship. Maybe to say that, "Hey, you meant something to me back then and still do. I just wanted to see how you are doing." The feelings of remorse set in and you think about if you turned left instead of right. How would things have unfolded then?

I try to live a life of no regrets. Because my mind has a way of torturing itself over the silliest little thing. I relive crap I messed up from years and years ago. No one remembers these things but me. I'm the only one fueling the fire and torturing myself. And sometimes you are through with the past, but the past isn't through with you. It comes back and reminds you, with anger. You try to be the better person and show your evolution, but it still remains.

I wish I could live like LEMMY. No regrets. He did what he wanted to do in that moment. He just fucking lived and lived it his way. Till the goddamn wheels fall off. No regrets.

I wish I could be that way. Man do I wish that.

There are several things I would go tell myself in the past if I had a time machine. Quit here. Avoid this. Don't eat that. Don't be a pussy, ask that girl out. Go for this, go for that. Enjoy this time cause it will be gone forever tomorrow. Say what you want to say to her. Tell them that you love them. Try harder. Save some money, etc. We'd all do that I think. We got one shot. One life. And it isn't a "choose your own adventure" book where you can go back a few pages and go the other way. I wish it were, but its not. Your thumb is off the page and you can't go back.

The important thing is to not think about changing the past, but focus on the fact that we can change the present. And we can mold our futures however we want. I never think about the future or the present. Always the past. I wish I could stop that. Another thing for the therapist.

Anyway, I'm 38 now. Two more years before I'm 40 and out of the demographic. I don't look 38. I feel like I'm 68. Its not a perfect, happy life... But I'm working on it.

Cheers, T

And to anyone in my past who I held dear and have lost touch with, I miss you. Reach out. Anytime. I will reply. Email: phymns@yahoo.com