Unsuccessfully Coping with Turning Older and Dealing with Life's Bullshit

Thanks for coming here for a read, my friends. Gather round as grandpa titillates you with another barely coherent ramble of nonsense from his aging spine flower. I appreciate those who come here and also who stick through til the end of my postings. I wish I could say I do it all for you, but in truth, it is for me. To get things off my chest and rid myself of some of the thinky pain, by sharing my thoughts aloud to the ether and to those who would lend me an ear. I do appreciate it.

I turned 42 this weekend. I received lots of messages of love and appreciation, all of which got a return thank you note. The least I could do. My lovely bride got me the Harlan Ellison book I've been wanting. I'm reading it rather quickly, enjoying every word of it! I got a gift card from my dear father in law, with which I took the wife on a necessary trip to a couple local swap shops, diving deep for physical media to fill our already well fed media shelves. Oh so necessary. I love my gluttonous shelves jam packed with dusty but well loved DVDs, Blu-Rays, Video Games, Books, Records, CD, Toys and anything else I can use to distract myself from the daily grind. I found three vintage in the box STAR TREK TNG figures from Playmates, as well as TMNT (1990) on Blu-ray, BATMAN ANIMATED SERIES season 4 DVD set, yet another JEFF BUCKLEY live Cd (How many of those things exist? I do not know, but they all must be mine), and KING DIAMOND'S "ABIGAIL" on vinyl. Do I need these things? Of course not, but yet I do. Don't judge me. Its how I fill the holes. I also sat down to a lovely lunch/dinner at Logan's Steakhouse, where I had grilled chicken and shrimp. I plan to have a steak dinner with my father in law sometime soon, so I shall savor that moment to come.

All of these things I have used to be a welcome interloper to the stress, anger and depression that has been swirling around my head like a vulture waiting to gnaw on the remaining unspoiled specs of meat. The last couple weeks have been hell. My wife to be has lost a parent and we are coping with all of that. On my side of the fence, my father is having some personal struggles of his own. All of this indeed weighs heavy and sometimes I think I'd rather french kiss a cactus than face it head on. But despite all our distractions, the pain exists and we are working through it. Everyone has been lovely with their messages and gifts of food and comfort. It means the world to us. Thank you so, so, soooo much. That is all I will say about that for now.

I passed out the bad news of the delay of the physical release of STARSLAM RETURNS. Just have had too much going on to finish the things that need finishing to send it to the printer. But for those who are waiting, I do promise (as I always do) to deliver. I appreciate your patience and bearing with me. I also have been busy keeping steady work on the PATREON comics for the year of 2020. Right now I have scanned in all the original art and partially colored the flats for stories that lead all the way through to September. My goal is to finish all the year and get it scheduled, uploaded and done so that I can focus on other things for a while. I want to get PLEASANT LIFE 2 finally launched sporadically on the Patreon, as well as doing some writing. I want to finish one of the 19 novels I have planned/started/almost finished. Seriously, I want to.
I need to.
I shall.
This year.
Promise.

I have seen the first episode of STAR TREK: PICARD and I am pleased to say that I enjoyed it. I think there are a couple established cannon factoids they didn't address but perhaps those will be answered in later episodes. It feels good to finally be taking the STAR TREK story forward instead of doing another prequel. I detest prequel stories in general. I feel that they fail on all levels, most important of which is living up to expectations. While I sometimes do flashbacks in regular stories, you will never see me do a prequel to anything I ever write. Always moving forward is a good thing. Not just in creative endeavors but also in life.

This week I have taken the time to watch some new things. Movies like RUNNING SCARED, JAY & SILENT BOB REBOOT, and episodes of the classic THE OUTER LIMITS and THE TWILIGHT ZONE. I'm also sitting down to read not only my Ellison book, but the booklets of some box sets I have purchased but haven't dug through as deeply yet. I also got my preordered SONS OF APOLLO album, which I haven't listened to yet. I am currently enjoying a re-listen/re-appreciation of the NEAL MORSE BAND'S "SIMILITUDE OF A DREAM," ALTER BRIDGE "FORTRESS," OPETH "IN CAUDA VENENUM" and other stuff. New stuff I've pre-ordered include the new PEARL JAM and STONE TEMPLE PILOT records. Exciting stuff in music coming!

Currently I am reading ELLISON'S ENDLESSLY WATCHING, UNFUCK YOURSELF by Gary John Bishop and a re-read of DRAGONLANCE: DRAGONS OF AUTUMN TWILIGHT. Its all keeping me sane but most importantly as I said, distracted.

Its been a bumpy road so far this year. In 25 short days, we've had threats of war, a circus of a senate trial, the death of Neil Peart, Terry Jones, my mother in law and other things. I've been dealing with back trouble and up and down eating patterns around the anger/depression of the above things happening. But I'm getting through it. That is the important thing right? I'm still here, trying hard. I'll get it all sorted and figured out someday.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you all have it sorted and figured out someday too. It's the goal, right?

--T

Birthday Weekend

Hey friends. 

 

My 41st Bday came and went and it was a good one. It started off on a bummer. I had to work on my birthday and it was a stressful week already. Thursday (The actual birthday date) was full of a few bummers but I got through it and got home to some sanity. We had been tracking the weather all day to see if our little one night getaway was even going to happen. But luckily a break in the weather came for us mid-day Friday and we decided to go for it. 

 

We spent the day in Grand Rapids, Michigan... We started off at a restaurant that was recommended to me, before hitting a large antique store near downtown. I didn't find anything there, but looking at all the 60-70s vintage furniture was a highlight! I was hoping to find in box toys or Trek books for my collection. I found none of them. The snow started dropping heavy and so we went to the hotel and got checked in. I started boozing immediately! We then went to the pool and the lovely hot tub to relax. My back and knee has been hurting me lately with all the overtime at the day job, so I was really enjoying that. My girl and I spent the night in the hotel and it was a night of drunken fun. Always great! 

 

The next morning we got up and headed to this used bookstore I wanted to find and see if I could score some TREK books. We found it but unfortunately it was in a weird area without parking and the snow was preventing much searching from happening. Nothing really looked that good to stop and park at. So we abandoned the idea and headed to a local DISC TRADERS where I found a lot of DVD/Blu-Ray and NES game deals! 

 

We then headed back to Lansing and stopped to get my birthday cake from a bakery I've always wanted to try out. We then stopped at another CD/DVD resale shop where we shopped and petted the store kitty. We then headed back home where D took a nap and I decided to go back out to the hobby store for some deals that were expiring. I got some Micron pens, a frame for a poster I got D for Xmas and I finally decided to pull the trigger on my model kit obsession again. I used a 40% off coupon and scored the NCC-1701 TOS Model kit again (I've put this one together about 15 times in my life). I also got some paint thinner and some glue. (I checked out my stock on those things last week and the stuff I had is extremely old! I still have an EXCELSIOR, ENTERPRISE E, NX-01 and ECTO-1 in the box and ready to be finished assembling and painting as well) It feels good that I am going to reconnect with doing model kits again! One of the joys from when I was a kid. 

 

A few things I ordered last week arrived as well: The KIRK MEGO TARGET figure I got from Ebay, some COPIC refills and markers, my NEAL MORSE BAND and KING DIAMOND Special Edition Cds/DVD pre-orders. And just today I ordered some ReAction figures from SUPER7. Namely: KING DIAMOND and METROPOLIS ROBOT. All essential. So I got some great Birthday gifts! D's parents hooked me up with STAR TREK: THE LOST SCENES book... which I highly recommend! Might be the best BTS making of the series book I've ever seen. Get it! Also they gave me some money, which I then gave to D so she could shop too. She spent a lot on the hotel, food and other things for our trip, so I felt it was only fair of me to offer that even though she was reluctant. But we both needed a day or two to get away, relax, reconnect and shop! 

 

I got home and cleaned up my desk area a little bit and watched some youtube stuff. D got up and took the stickers off our discs. I grabbed a movie from my large "TO WATCH" pile and finally sat and watched "TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA," which was good. I then passed out around midnight.

Today is Sunday and I got my boys. I saved the cake so I can eat it with them and celebrate with them! All in all, a long weekend birthday celebration. I needed the break. Tomorrow we are expecting 8-12 inches of snow. Its been a very tame winter and I am not looking forward to the deluge to come. But I shall endure. And get through the overtime. I got a card set to finish and model kits to assemble. Oh and all the other artworking I am doing too! Very busy... but most of all, very happy! 

 

Thanks for reading! 

 

-T

40 Years

Ive thought about what I wanted to write in this blog about turning 40. Ive gone over it a few times and I still do not know what to say. I got a million things I would love to bitch about, sing praises for, plug, scream and cry about, remember, forget, etc.  Just everything. The wickedness of the world seeps into my brain. The push/pull feelings of my own lack of time or creative rhythm beat in my head like a sore throbbing and leaking varicose vein. Im happy, grateful, excited, tired and worn out all at once. The distant past swirls in my thoughts and my future hangs over my head if I only were to reach up and grab it. But I dont. I just sit here thinking. Plotting. Pondering. Worrying.

So I wont go into any of it. I will just let the pictures of my recent life do the talking for me. Because right now, I just don't have much to say.

Not yet. 

I'm grateful for everyone who sent me an email, a private message, a gift, a twitter or facebook post acknowledging my birthday. I saw you and I appreciate you caring enough to toss me a thought. Its means the world to me. Thank you.

My girl made me a birthday cake!

My two youngest enjoying STAR WARS. Its hard to get Scotty to sit and watch anything, but he and James were glued to the TV for the most part of watching A NEW HOPE this last weekend. Maybe I will never have to sit through another episode of PAW PATROL or PEPPA PIG again. :)

For my birthday, I told my girl to not get me any presents. She of course, would not listen. She dug through my want lists and scored these.... four vintage STAR TREK TMP mint on card figures. Will go very nice in my collection!

My in laws got me a nice collection of comics and graphic novels to read, as well as a card with a large amount of money in it to get something else I want. I really am blessed to have her and them in my life.

A couple weekends ago, my coworkers and I had another vintage game night. I beat DUCK TAILS for NES...

Hard to see, but they tag teamed and beat the original GHOSTS AND GOBLINS... which as some of you know is next to impossible to do!

While they wrestled with that, I did an entire playthrough of the first quest in THE LEGEND OF ZELDA... which shows you how long they were playing it! I started Zelda here when they were on their second play through near level 5. The beat Ghosts N Goblins when I was in the middle of beating level nine. So about an hour and a half of playing just one level to my whole original quest! Some patience they got, thats for sure!

To cap it off, we played a quick run through MARIO 3. Necessary.

Lastly on the pictures front, I found this meme this week and it very much rings true. Do not worry about me folks. I am just overworked, overtired and burned out. I haven't had a true vacation since last May. I have tried to take a day for myself here and there, but it has not really helped. This coming weekend I am going away for a bit, so I hope that fills my bone dry fuel tanks. Because feeling this way just sucks. But Ive been through worse. I will push through.

Final thoughts:

I recorded the LAST EPISODE of the IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW. Stream it HERE ~~ News about the new, reworked podcast is coming via my PATREON.... which will launch sometime this first quarter of the year. I have a bunch of stuff I am working on and saving for when it launches. I just want to be sure it is all ready before I pull the trigger on it and commit. I hope to shake this big draining cry of ennui off my shoulders for good and get to work on what I know I need to work on. It will be worth it when it rolls out. You will see!

Anyway, Thanks for reading and supporting. You will hear from me again soon.

~~Much love eternal, T

Birthday Post: 39 Things I've Learned

Hello friends! Its been a crazy week! So far, I've wanted to just do this:

Yeah, maybe even drink the pee water too. Mostly because I've been dealing with this:

Any hope for him to do a decent job has gone right out the window with several things done in his first five days... untruths or "alternative facts," getting rid of the FHA tax break (which I was looking into), spinning truths about voting numbers or actual turnout for his swearing in ceremony, eliminating the arts programs and museum/library service benefits and today he signed a bill that is allowing the Dakota pipeline to go forward. There are many other headaches, but I'll leave that for my social media ranting.

Yeah I've decided to stick with the social media. Especially now. Because, YOU NEED ME. Now more than ever. And I understand that might bore you or you might be sick of it already. However, I make no apologies. If I'm keeping social media in my life, I'm going to run it my way. I'm seeking truth and hope, like you. And I will not be silent anymore. I am using my voice and art to show the world as I see it. That's my job as an artist and writer. On social media, you'll still get updates on my stuff, music and movie links, fun memes and other such stuff I've always done, but you will also get links to unbiased news sources speaking about what is going on. And if you truly seek the truth that is going on, you'll give it an actual read and draw your own conclusions. But note: I will NEVER come onto your feed to nay-say or argue with you or disrespect you or your viewpoint and I hope that is reciprocal. Its your wall, use it as you want... just like I will to mine. If I feel like things cross the line, I will cut that line. Be respectful and courteous. That is all I'm asking. In the end, I am a warrior against bullshit and I'm on team people. So make love and make good art. That's the end of the discussion.

This week also I had a birthday. I turned 39 years old. And in this blog, I'll share a special list of 39 things I've "learned" while living on this planet with you. But before that, some minor things: 

After growing my hair long for a few months, I decided to cut it short again. I didn't like spending extra time shampooing it. Yeah, I'm lazy.

The boys got haircuts too. Here's James with his trusty Ipad.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the increased downloads of my MORNING SHOW PODCAST! The numbers are spiking and I'm thinking: HOLY CRAP!!! I appreciate it! I think the stats on this week posted here were the Roddenberry dvd review and my year end recap. Thanks all! The podcast continues on itunes. Subscribe for free!

 Anyway, without further delay, the reason you are all here:

39 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN MY 39 YEARS ON PLANET EARTH: 

1-The only currency we have in life is our story.
2-Trust is earned, not given and can go away at any time.
3-Tuna Casserole is awesome.
4-Kirk can beat Picard. I don't care what you say.
5-Never trust a hardcore music fan if they cannot acknowledge the Beatles.
6-Do something creative to give back to the book of humanity.
7-The gas gauge has an arrow on it and that shows the side where the tank lid is.
8-Enjoy every great moment. Because once its gone, its gone.
9-Reboots and remakes all suck ass.
10-You job isn't the totalization of you, but does help you do things you want outside of it. Work hard and enjoy it.
11-You'll never get to where you are going if you stop to argue with every asshole that gets in your way. Keep going.
12-Life is too short to stress about people, places or things that don't deserve to be an issue in your life.
13-Carpe Diem. Live in the right now, always.
14-Never argue online. Its pointless. Like a screen door on a submarine.
15-Take time to enjoy shit you like and feel no guilt about doing it or liking what you like.
16-Sit and watch cartoons with some cereal on a Saturday morning once in a while. Just because you can.
17-Always research and seek opinions beyond your own. Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.
18-Always watch your back.
19-Everyone at some point will hurt you. But only a few are worth the hurt.
20-Go see live music.
21-Spend more time in nature when you can.
22-Take those we've lost along the way with you, spiritually. Talk to them in your head. Enjoy their continued company. Never forget them.
23-Always be truthful. Living in lies is no way to live.
24-Always be the best you can be. Have Honor and loyalty to those who matter the most to you.
25-Reach out to old friends who you haven't talked to in a while.
26-Success is your own perspective. No one can define it for you.
27-You cannot expect people to treat you and react the same way you do.
28-Dress in your favorite outfit and style. Its uniquely you and never change YOU.
29-Fuck perfection. Learn in public and learn from those mistakes.
30-Be real. What you see is what you get.
31-Don't live a life of snottiness or snarkiness.
32-Its ok to not like things but don't be a dick about it.
33-The loudest person in the room is always the most insecure.
34-Look at the big picture... always.
35-Accept yourself as you are right now.
36-Value your alone time and enjoy time with yourself.
37-Anger damages you, let it go.
38-Be healthy but indulge once in a while.
39-Live in peace. Onward and upward, always!

Thanks all for reading. I will have a special surprise this week! Stay tuned....

--T

Birthday Weekend Recap

Hey friends. I recapped my birthday weekend on the recent IDIOTHEAD MORNING SHOW PODCAST (DOWNLOAD/STREAM HERE) so I won't reiterate it too much. Overall it was decent. I spent time with myself on Saturday doing some shopping and tons of coloring. (I shared that last time)

On Sunday I read, plugged up my new amp and played and spent time with my boys. After that, a solo steak dinner, football and then more coloring and a commission. All in all, a decent weekend. Here's some of what I colored on Sunday:

A pinup of Goddess Tyra from STARSLAM.

The PLEASANT LIFE gang. Man I can't wait to finish their new book! (Coming whenever)

I got a couple more commissions to finish this week so we'll see how far I can get with them.

I got into a bit of a low on Sunday, thanks to my mind wandering. You try to live a life of no regrets but then you look back on the last 38 years of your life and wonder things like: "What if?" What if 20 years ago I did this instead of that. Or told this person off or met this person then instead of now. All these what ifs. Then you think back to people that used to be in your life and you had such great chemestry with at the time. You decide to look them up and see what they are doing. Sometimes you find them. You reach out and say HI, HOW YOU BEEN. Some answer, some don't. You reach out and just say that you were thinking of them and you miss their friendship. Maybe to say that, "Hey, you meant something to me back then and still do. I just wanted to see how you are doing." The feelings of remorse set in and you think about if you turned left instead of right. How would things have unfolded then?

I try to live a life of no regrets. Because my mind has a way of torturing itself over the silliest little thing. I relive crap I messed up from years and years ago. No one remembers these things but me. I'm the only one fueling the fire and torturing myself. And sometimes you are through with the past, but the past isn't through with you. It comes back and reminds you, with anger. You try to be the better person and show your evolution, but it still remains.

I wish I could live like LEMMY. No regrets. He did what he wanted to do in that moment. He just fucking lived and lived it his way. Till the goddamn wheels fall off. No regrets.

I wish I could be that way. Man do I wish that.

There are several things I would go tell myself in the past if I had a time machine. Quit here. Avoid this. Don't eat that. Don't be a pussy, ask that girl out. Go for this, go for that. Enjoy this time cause it will be gone forever tomorrow. Say what you want to say to her. Tell them that you love them. Try harder. Save some money, etc. We'd all do that I think. We got one shot. One life. And it isn't a "choose your own adventure" book where you can go back a few pages and go the other way. I wish it were, but its not. Your thumb is off the page and you can't go back.

The important thing is to not think about changing the past, but focus on the fact that we can change the present. And we can mold our futures however we want. I never think about the future or the present. Always the past. I wish I could stop that. Another thing for the therapist.

Anyway, I'm 38 now. Two more years before I'm 40 and out of the demographic. I don't look 38. I feel like I'm 68. Its not a perfect, happy life... But I'm working on it.

Cheers, T

And to anyone in my past who I held dear and have lost touch with, I miss you. Reach out. Anytime. I will reply. Email: phymns@yahoo.com

STARSLAM 2 Progress and more

Hey friends. Thought I'd share some pics of my coloring flats on STARSLAM 2. These pages are by no means done, but you can get an early look at some pages you haven't seen yet! Check it:

Our main villain makes his move...

Another Villain gloats...

Origins!

Foxclaw and Bear Girl go on a stakeout...

I spent about 8 hours coloring around 15 pages today. Its slow going, but we're getting the train rolling. I still have to go in to each page and drop some shadows and highlights. But Flatwork takes the longest. Then lettering. Then PDF that fucker and print it. But we're rolling. That's the important thing!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I hit the big 3-8. I already got myself a new small amp and a bass guitar. To additionally celebrate, I took a solo trip to Kalamazoo today and came back with some loot:

Two GHOST Lps, some 45's, various discount graphic novels, Magazine and a used Bluray! Not a bad haul!

While I am celebrating solo tonight, my girlfriend made me a digital card: 

Fucking awesome, eh? :) I'm a lucky fellow.

Anyway, I am off to do some more artworking and then hit the hay. I got my kids tomorrow for my birthday and we'll have some fun. Not sure if I am doing anything after that. I guess not. Probably just more coloring and maybe drink alone a little. All in all, not a bad birthday. Relaxing. That's kind of what I need. Been working a ton lately.

And BTW, the Diet is still going strong. No worries there.

Cheers my friends! Be safe in the snow!

T

Ramping up to Birthday Weekend

Hey friends. First off, DIET UPDATE!!!

This is day four of the lifestyle change and I'm proud to say that I've stayed strong. No fast food, no soda. I'm having withdrawal symptoms big time. The chemicals they put in that shit are leaving my body and my body is going "WTF!?!?!" So yeah, I'll get through it. No problem. I got this.

I'm working lots of hours this week and taking care of minor things like a new car tag, grocery shopping and cleaning house. This Sunday I turn 38 years old. Only two more years left before I hit the big 4-0, and my life is over. (That's a joke. Get it?) I've already got myself a nice present. I bought a small Peavey guitar amp and I got a new Bass, that I dub: THE LEMMY!

Its a used bass, so I have to pick it up in a few days to ensure that it doesn't come back stolen. But I paid for it, all I gotta do is go pick it up. The neck action is good and I think it will do fine for my needs. Its a cheap used bass that I will use to write new songs and do some recording here at home and when we get into the studio next. I wrote some lyrics and song ideas last night even. I'm pretty jazzed to get going. I'll probably plug up my new amp this weekend and try it out. I've gotta knock the dust out of my fingers, that's for sure.

I'm also celebrating by looking into going to more concerts this year. I got VIP tickets to see GHOST in Grand Rapids on May 20th. I also am going to see REEL BIG FISH here in Lansing. Also, PEARL JAM tickets go on sale very soon for the Chicago show, so I plan to try to get in on that. Building memories and experiences. That is what life is all about. Celebrate while we are here, am I right?

This Sunday for my birthday, I am getting my boys and spending my birthday with them. I hope to get some more coloring and shopping done this week and next week. I got a couple commissions to finish sometime this week as well. Just staying busy.

I hope you folks have a great weekend. See ya on the flip side of 38!!

Cheers, T

37... In a Row??

Welcome my friends!

Today I turn 37 years old. 37? In a row? (old CLERKS joke for those of my generation) And in my 37 years on this planet I wish I had some profound wisdom to share with you. I don't. I just am roughing the mileage and keep on driving forward. Its all you can do sometimes.

But today I celebrate not only the passing of another year of my life, my parents for their love and support, my dear mother and her giving birth to me on this day 37 years ago, but I celebrate my life. Some of you know 2014 wasn't the greatest year in my personal life. In fact, it all came crashing down little by little until I came out the other side living a completely different life.

 Change is hard and sometimes life throws you challenges that you just don't think you can deal with. I found myself against the highest wall of challenges I've ever had to face. Maybe ever will have to face. I am not sure yet. But it was scary and I just couldn't handle it. My depression and feelings got so dire that I considered offing myself at one point. I'm ashamed to say it now, but its true. I went into a drugstore and bought a bottle of pills. I had planned to crush up the pills, add it to a drink and swallow it whole. I had no idea if it would work or not. I am not the best planner of things that cause suffering to myself, but I had heard that it would do the trick. I remember a night back in December where I just sat with the bottle of pills and stared at them for at least 5 minutes. I didn't think about anything or anyone. I just sat there. Staring at them. My ticket away from all of this. I didn't think about my dad and what this would do to him. Or my kids, or any of my friends. I just wanted to do something selfish and a final statement. Sometimes, life just tosses you too much. I felt completely justified.

I was at a point to where my entire world as I had known it had come crashing down. Everything I had believed and built up to be true was gone. I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to be anything anymore. I didn't know what I could do. I felt just "in the way." I almost felt like I HAD to do it. It just made the most logical sense. Cause what else could I have left in the tank? How can I beat all of this that now faced me? As the song "Wither" by Dream Theater says: "I drown in hesitation, my words come crashing down. And all my best creations, burning to the ground. The thought of starting over leaves me paralyzed. Tear it out again, another one that got away." I just didn't think I could face it. My anger, my confusion, my bitterness and my sorrow all surrounded me. I just had to do this. It made the most sense.

I sat there in the middle of another sleepless night. Alone. Ready to do this great harm to myself and everyone I ever cared about. But then it happened.... Two things popped into my head. Two simple phrases. I'm not sure where they came from, but they arrived swiftly. Like they were whispered into my ear from a distant voice far away. It said two simple things:

"The world needs people like you." and "You're not done yet."

That little voice helped me realize a truth that I needed to hear. I've been accused of being "too nice" a guy sometimes. I let people walk all over me and I open myself up too greatly. It allows a lot of potential for trust and for people to hurt me. I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone. Even a complete stranger. Its not in my nature to want to hurt anyone. I'm not a good liar. I just can't hurt people. I get scared that I will. I have anxiety that I'll create another situation where I bothered someone and I'll beat myself up for it every day. But in the end, that ain't a bad way to be. The world does need more people like that.

And "you're not done yet." It made me think about all I wanted to still do. The stories I wanted to write and draw. I wanted to make more music. I wanted to travel and see places I've never seen. I want to see my kids grow up and become men. Maybe I can be a good influence in their lives instead of giving them horrible memories and sorrow with this stupid, selfish act I was wanting to do. Again, I'd be hurting someone besides myself. But I also thought about the fact that doors are closed sometimes, but another one always opens. And thats where you are meant to go.

What happened in my life last year wasn't done maliciously. Its all just some of those things that happens in life sometimes. Its just a pity I wasn't on the same page with some of it. But it happens. I am not angry or bitter about it. I accept it now. I took all the gut punches and stood right back up. Millions of people have gone through some of this and even worse. In many ways, I am very lucky that it is panning out as smoothly as it has so far. I still have good days and bad, but its getting easier. The smoke is clearing and clarity is booming brightly. And like I said here on this blog before, I'm grateful now for all that life has thrown at me. Because its shown me how strong I am. Today's pain is tomorrow's strength. Everyone has suffering or a pain they have to endure. And sure, mine is a big motherfucker. But I am facing it. And I'm still fucking standing.

I took that bottle of pills and threw it away before I moved. Its gone, along with all the dark thoughts that accompanied it. I'm now in a one bedroom apartment. Alone, for the first time. Sometimes it sucks. Other times, its kind of nice. I've now got freedom I've never had before. I am opening myself up to parts of myself I've kept closed and quiet for too long. I'm deciding new things about Adam 3.0. One big question at the start of this is: WHO AM I NOW? I find that I am still me. I still hang my Cds, vinyl, posters and some toys proudly. I've still got a pencil and micron pen in my hand. I still blog and podcast. I still jam to music I love and thirst for more music I have yet to discover. I keep searching Google Earth for places I want to go to one day. I've re-discovered my zeal for the work-week. I scored two almost full time jobs in an effort to pay my bills and start to save money. To build a whole new life. A better one. Because I am a better person now and I deserve it.

I don't share all of this dark knowledge with you to get attention or to have a great story to tell. I tell it because #1-I'm always an honest dude and #2-Every journey has darkness and light and it would be selfish for me not to share what I learned from my darkness. And as the great Stanley Kubrick said: "However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." I've done that and I've come out the other side, wanting to share the concept that no matter how shit goes down in our lives, and we're given more than we think we can bare, we can still keep standing. I have not had any more dark thoughts since that night a month ago. Instead its been slowly getting brighter. I am not scared of myself or whats around me anymore. And throughout all of this, I've seen so many people stand up and reach out to me, grabbing me to make sure I don't fall. I've seen who truly cares for me. Its shown me that I've worked hard all my life to be a decent dude and with that came this group of great friends that will always be there for me. I cannot express enough what that means for me.

Today I am getting over a sore throat and a bit of a cold. But I'm up now and I am gonna finish hanging some posters in my new home. Tonight, some friends of mine are coming over. They are travelling from all over the state to come see little old me. I'm gonna drink a bit, listen to some of my favorite music, swap stories, play games, whatever. But most importantly? I'll be alive. I'm living again.

That's all I'll ever need.

Here's to another 37 years of a great life!

--T

p.s. I realized that most likely, today is the first birthday in a loooong time where I won't get any sort of naughty birthday sex. Its a bummer. But I am sure I will treat myself to a special birthday toss off!