Roller Coaster

Another deep post. Not super uplifting, so be warned. 

Just in another one of my turns downward. I've been riding a high the last couple weeks while even deflecting some BS in my life. But I've been proud of myself because I have been handling things well. I've stayed productive and been there for others who needed me. I felt like that would be enough but it wasn't. Yesterday I fell hard again into the depression. The endless roller coaster of up and down. I hate it, believe me. 

When that happens, I either want to get super vocal and turn it into something. (Art, podcast, comic, writing, etc.) Or I get very very very quiet. I want to disconnect. And since one of the major things to lead me to the depression was the ever enduring battle of the goddamn mother fucking piece of shit Facebook addiction (Which I thought I had licked btw), I decided its time to end the bullshit. I put out an announcement on the platform saying "yes, this is one of those I'M LEAVING FACEBOOK posts." I figured I owed it to people who do care and look at my online presence there as a sort of light in their day. I certainly am not seeking attention by posting something like that. Not in a "poor me, please console me" kind of way. Just in a "hey, this isn't healthy for me anymore so if you want to follow me elsewhere, here is where" kind of way. If they care enough, they will seek me out. I'm not hard to find. I gotta quit paying attention to the numbers and base my "worth" on those things.

The reasons are various and I won't go into them. Doesn't matter. Point is, that it is causing me to stumble and it needs to be tossed away. I can already hear my brain say "but what about this or that person, or this group or this band?" I just gotta stop listening to it. I can follow whatever band or person at another site. I can get my news elsewhere. Just gotta disconnect. Gotta stop the anger there. Its like putting your finger in the hole in the dam. It will work for now. 

I got anger. Deep rooted anger. Some of it got messed with this week. Various sources. I need to feel free to write about it and turn it into something. That is how I deal with things. I mean, my comic PLEASANT LIFE started out about my feelings about my mom's death. Its therapy for me. And I need therapy. I cannot afford it now that my insurance has changed, I gotta start paying on my college loans now after deferring them for almost 15 years and soon my child support will be rising. Seems like for every step I start to get ahead, I get taken back 9 more. Likely I will never get ahead and have it all fixed. Something always pulls me back. 

But that's okay. That is life. So it goes. "It is what it is and whatever," as the RUSH song says (The Garden). I deal with it. 

Things aren't bad. I am blessed in this life. I just confirmed plans to have all three of my boys in the same place on Christmas Day! For me, that is a miracle. I am so looking forward to watching them and my fiancee open their presents together. Then I get to watch them to eat a big meal I will cook. My family. My life. Its my treat for getting through the rough times. It makes it so worth it and it keeps me going. 

I'm seeing new PLEASANT LIFE pages for the first time in many years and it gets me so excited to see it finished. I'm also dreaming of what STARSLAM and the DEFENDERS OF EARTH are doing in the meantime. And yes, ANNA in the apocalypse as well. Other things too. All of it in my brain. I want to do it. I want to see them finished and rolling. 

On the other hand, I also feel a strong urge when I am depressed to do NONE OF THE ABOVE. Just sit on the couch and actually open up the video games, DVDs and books I have acquired recently and just do those things. Maybe Netflix binge on a show I keep saying I will get to, but never have time to. Maybe focus more on my day job that I am spending 50 hours plus a week at. Get better at that. Actually retain things I learn there instead of daydreaming of what I could be doing if I were at home. Or sitting there thinking about why I am angry. (sigh)

The mind is a roller coaster. I fucking hate it. 

Been listening to SLAYER and PANTERA a lot more lately. Drown out the thoughts. Give the anger an outlet. Works sometimes. Its better than listening to something softer, because the fear that I might cry at my desk is very real. 

Some days I am a soldier, beating the things that life tosses at me. I'm a boxer, getting up and going in for another round. Other times I feel like a raw nerve or a frayed, exposed cord. Just don't mess with me. Don't talk to me. Leave it alone. Danger! Better yet, toss me in some water so it finishes itself off.

I go back to the Rocky quote of: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”

Depression sucks. We all go through it. We all got shit life is tossing at us. Sometimes I think my load is unbearable and then I hear about someone else's and think: "That would break me." But they are still standing. Its an inspiration like no other to see that shit go down. Sometimes I get a message or email saying I've inspired someone or they know exactly how I feel. That means the world to me. Makes me feel like I can keep pushing through and be okay. Just be okay. That's what I need to do. 

I'm trying, folks. I really am trying. 

I've got this far! 

Thanks for reading and your love, support. Until next we talk, keep your head up. I'll do the same. Keep striving onward and upward. I know I always will too.

--T

TOY SHOW RECAP

Hey friends!

Did my one and only "Appearance" show at a TOY SHOW in Okemos, MI where I mostly sold off a good chunk of some nerd stuff I had laying around. I brought all my books, some original art and things but they didn't sell at all (just like at a real comic show! Just like old times!!) But I did sell off some of my old con prints to one guy who took a nice stack. I'm just glad that my things go to a good home, you know? I don't care at this point. My focus is online stuff like Patreon and Kickstarter here. (Plus I've had a surge in online sales at GUMROAD too! Have you got my comics digitally from Gumroad? If not, consider yourself a holiday purchase right here: http://www.gumroad.com/phymns )

The show itself was well attended and full of vendors. It was really steady all morning until like 2pm. I got to catch up with a lot of old friends I had not seen in a while. I made a few new ones too. That is what I love best about the shows. See old friends, make new ones, etc. I sold off all my "big ticket" nerdy items and of course poured that money right back into collectibles I brought back home. (so it goes) But overall I had a great time! I really enjoyed being a sort of "dealer exhibitor" this time as opposed to just selling my original stuff. A lot of people saw my books and made with the "Whoa! YOU make these??" statements. It was cute. No buyers. But hey, that ain't what its about for me. I'm just glad to go out and share my nerd love with other like minded people. I had a nerdy garage sale, I suppose. I enjoyed myself. Getting out of the house for some sun once in a while is a good thing, right? Anyway, I'll gladly do it again.

Here are some pics of things I saw and got. First up my neighbor had these cool SPOCK PJs. Oh if I were a kid again...



I found this really creepy looking Spock doll that the dude sold me for cheap. Looks like he's been smoking waaaaaaaay too many cigs... (Side note: Leonard Nimoy died of COPD from his years as a smoker. So I call this COPD SPOCK. Is that wrong?)



So I scored the Spock, a couple custom STAR WARS lego figures and I got a box of TREK CAPTAINS COLLECTION cards. I pulled two autographs and bought a third of Celeste Yarnell. She just died a couple weeks ago, so I wanted to get her autograph before anything. Might have been the last thing she signed for all I know. Good to have in my collection.



I got this original HE-MAN animation cell too. It captured my imagination. Is he tossing something, or is he gonna catch something? Either way, it made me giggle.



I found this cheap TARDIS thing that I guess is a sort of jewelry case or something? I got it for my girl. She will enjoy it. (and yes, it is bigger on the inside)




I didn't do much this week besides day job work, but I did finally watch INCREDIBLES 2 with my girl. It was a fun little flick. I'm still counting down the days until I get to see CREED 2! I'm such a massive fan of the ROCKY flicks. CREED 1 was the shit. and this new one looks to be equally as good. Can't wait!!

On the art front, I am finishing up commissions this week, inking STARSLAM BONUS PAGES (which are all finally penciled and complete BTW) and I got two new Patreon stories penciled and ready to ink. Plus some new pinup stuff. TONS of things to come from me. I better get back to it!

Later gators!

Thanksgiving and Other Distractions

Hello my friends! I hope you are taking this Saturday to spend some cash at small businesses to help make their holiday dreams come true as well. I know I will later today. Mostly to see if there are any scraps left from the Record Store Day event that I had to miss yesterday. But please be safe out there this holiday shopping season and remember why we're all out there. Don't be crazy and fighting over TVs n'shit. Shop online too! I'm a small business! HINT HINT! :)

Thanksgiving was a good day. I got my boys and we ate hearty.

James LOVES the Turkey and dumplings. Scotty likes the biscuits, natch.

The boys and I watched cartoons, listened to records and played games. It was a fun weekend with them. They'll be back on Sunday and they'll help me put my new Xmas tree up!

Work on the comics has been slow going. I have been working some Overtime at the dayjob and when I have a day off I'm either busy doing something or I have the kids. But I finished a commission this morning and plan to do some more coloring today. Tonight, I am going to a concert with my brother. Should be a great time for sure!

As for the future, I am trying to make the plans but there's a bit of a wall of intimidation in front of me. I wrote out a script for the big horror anthology project I wanna get done before con season next year. And I have to get rolling on it. But I honestly haven't sat down and drawn a full page of comic art in two months. I still have about 10 pages left to draw on Starslam 2!! I don't know why I can't get it rolling. I guess I am just so focused on living and experiencing things. But luckily (???) the winter is coming and I will be shut in the house a lot. So I hope to get started drawing again. I need a nice pace and consistent artworking schedule. I miss it. I think that is why I have felt so down lately. Cause I just feel the mountain before me and I don't wanna start climbing. But I will. I always do.

I saw CREED on Wednesday. A solid flick. If you like the Rocky movies, check it out. We're a couple weeks away from STAR WARS VII. Can you believe it?

Anyway, be safe out there my droogies!

T

A Little More on the Pile...

Boy this year is off to a great stop! First off, we get the info that we now have to pay back the wife's college loans, which is a financial hit on us, considering its a slow quarter for me, Freelance-wise. Then my dad has a heart attack and all sorts of complications and is still in the hospital with possible demensia. The wife has a work irritance that will not subside over something so insignificant but because of a bitch, she's in constant fear of being let go. A couple freelance gigs I thought I'd have that would drastically help me pay for 2014 con travels and printings have fell through, putting a big question mark on all of it. I cannot afford to print anything I want or pre-pay for tables or travels. The kids have been acting out and its gotten insane. My workflow is all off now that the kid monopolizes the computer room and I get no work done during the day. Thus, I am behind on everything. The weather sucks my balls through a coffee straw (one of the coldest winters I can ever remember). And now the kicker: A couple weeks ago we noticed baby James' testes were getting swollen. I thought it was nothing but the doctor said its a sac of fluid collecting in that area. Quite common and easy to fix. Just needle in and drain. But after seeing a specialist we've determined that poor James has a chamber in his body that normally closes as the body grows, but his did not. So its leaking all sorts of stuff into this sack near his sack. Also he has a hernia. So this means hospitalization and operation. Our insurance sucks and we got a $10,000 deductible. So we gotta pay for the whole thing out of pocket, pretty much. We've looked into expanding our coverage, but its waaaaaay too much to do on our income. So we're looking into other options, like the affordable health care. We'll see. All this shit and January isn't even over!

Boy oh boy!

When you start off a new year, you have dreams of what you are going to beat and accomplish. And all this month it seems the torpedos have come at me full spread. Its really gotten to me and I am hanging by a thread at times. I'm snapping a bit and I could use a nice breather.

The good news is this: The wife and I are having a monthly date night once again. We really need it. We need to get away and explore ourselves again. Our relationship sometimes goes on autopilot while dealing with our daily lives. Also, we've both been really good at eating better and exercising. I joined a gym. I'm under calories everyday. That feels damn good. I'm pretty basic work at the moment but its a definate start. No fast food. Making better decisions. Vitamins. Working out. I feel better. My mind is more active. I have more energy. I'm not run down and tired all the time.

Also, I've kept working when I could. I've done some more Starslam strips. I scanned in all new art and done little things around the house and office that needed to be done. I deep cleaned and straighted things around that needed it. Including myself. I finished a card set. I done some commissions. I'm working. I keep at it. I keep punching back.

I am just taking each torpedo that is shot at me and letting it bounce off of me as best I can. Come what may, I know I can take it. Cause like Rocky VI said (and its one of my favorite movie quotes of all time): "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you're hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

Sappy, but true. Call it a personal mantra. Whatever is knocking you down in life, fight back. Never give up the fight. Its what we're here for.

Gotta Fly Now.

T