Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Roller Coaster

Another deep post. Not super uplifting, so be warned. 
Just in another one of my turns downward. I've been riding a high the last couple weeks while even deflecting some BS in my life. But I've been proud of myself because I have been handling things well. I've stayed productive and been there for others who needed me. I felt like that would be enough but it wasn't. Yesterday I fell hard again into the depression. The endless roller coaster of up and down. I hate it, believe me. 
When that happens, I either want to get super vocal and turn it into something. (Art, podcast, comic, writing, etc.) Or I get very very very quiet. I want to disconnect. And since one of the major things to lead me to the depression was the ever enduring battle of the goddamn mother fucking piece of shit Facebook addiction (Which I thought I had licked btw), I decided its time to end the bullshit. I put out an announcement on the platform saying "yes, this is one of those I'M LEAVING FACEBOOK posts." I figured I owed it to people who do care and look at my online presence there as a sort of light in their day. I certainly am not seeking attention by posting something like that. Not in a "poor me, please console me" kind of way. Just in a "hey, this isn't healthy for me anymore so if you want to follow me elsewhere, here is where" kind of way. If they care enough, they will seek me out. I'm not hard to find. I gotta quit paying attention to the numbers and base my "worth" on those things.

The reasons are various and I won't go into them. Doesn't matter. Point is, that it is causing me to stumble and it needs to be tossed away. I can already hear my brain say "but what about this or that person, or this group or this band?" I just gotta stop listening to it. I can follow whatever band or person at another site. I can get my news elsewhere. Just gotta disconnect. Gotta stop the anger there. Its like putting your finger in the hole in the dam. It will work for now. 
I got anger. Deep rooted anger. Some of it got messed with this week. Various sources. I need to feel free to write about it and turn it into something. That is how I deal with things. I mean, my comic PLEASANT LIFE started out about my feelings about my mom's death. Its therapy for me. And I need therapy. I cannot afford it now that my insurance has changed, I gotta start paying on my college loans now after deferring them for almost 15 years and soon my child support will be rising. Seems like for every step I start to get ahead, I get taken back 9 more. Likely I will never get ahead and have it all fixed. Something always pulls me back. 
But that's okay. That is life. So it goes. "It is what it is and whatever," as the RUSH song says (The Garden). I deal with it. 
Things aren't bad. I am blessed in this life. I just confirmed plans to have all three of my boys in the same place on Christmas Day! For me, that is a miracle. I am so looking forward to watching them and my fiancee open their presents together. Then I get to watch them to eat a big meal I will cook. My family. My life. Its my treat for getting through the rough times. It makes it so worth it and it keeps me going. 
I'm seeing new PLEASANT LIFE pages for the first time in many years and it gets me so excited to see it finished. I'm also dreaming of what STARSLAM and the DEFENDERS OF EARTH are doing in the meantime. And yes, ANNA in the apocalypse as well. Other things too. All of it in my brain. I want to do it. I want to see them finished and rolling. 
On the other hand, I also feel a strong urge when I am depressed to do NONE OF THE ABOVE. Just sit on the couch and actually open up the video games, DVDs and books I have acquired recently and just do those things. Maybe Netflix binge on a show I keep saying I will get to, but never have time to. Maybe focus more on my day job that I am spending 50 hours plus a week at. Get better at that. Actually retain things I learn there instead of daydreaming of what I could be doing if I were at home. Or sitting there thinking about why I am angry. (sigh)
The mind is a roller coaster. I fucking hate it. 
Been listening to SLAYER and PANTERA a lot more lately. Drown out the thoughts. Give the anger an outlet. Works sometimes. Its better than listening to something softer, because the fear that I might cry at my desk is very real. 
Some days I am a soldier, beating the things that life tosses at me. I'm a boxer, getting up and going in for another round. Other times I feel like a raw nerve or a frayed, exposed cord. Just don't mess with me. Don't talk to me. Leave it alone. Danger! Better yet, toss me in some water so it finishes itself off.

I go back to the Rocky quote of: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”
Depression sucks. We all go through it. We all got shit life is tossing at us. Sometimes I think my load is unbearable and then I hear about someone else's and think: "That would break me." But they are still standing. Its an inspiration like no other to see that shit go down. Sometimes I get a message or email saying I've inspired someone or they know exactly how I feel. That means the world to me. Makes me feel like I can keep pushing through and be okay. Just be okay. That's what I need to do. 
I'm trying, folks. I really am trying. 
I've got this far! 
Thanks for reading and your love, support. Until next we talk, keep your head up. I'll do the same. Keep striving onward and upward. I know I always will too.

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