Another deep post. Not super uplifting, so be warned.
Just
in another one of my turns downward. I've been riding a high the last
couple weeks while even deflecting some BS in my life. But I've been
proud of myself because I have been handling things well. I've stayed
productive and been there for others who needed me. I felt like that
would be enough but it wasn't. Yesterday I fell hard again into the
depression. The endless roller coaster of up and down. I hate it,
believe me.
When
that happens, I either want to get super vocal and turn it into
something. (Art, podcast, comic, writing, etc.) Or I get very very very
quiet. I want to disconnect. And since one of the major things to lead
me to the depression was the ever enduring battle of the goddamn mother
fucking piece of shit Facebook addiction (Which I thought I had licked
btw), I decided its time to end the bullshit. I put out an announcement
on the platform saying "yes, this is one of those I'M LEAVING FACEBOOK
posts." I figured I owed it to people who do care and look at my online
presence there as a sort of light in their day. I certainly am not
seeking attention by posting something like that. Not in a "poor me,
please console me" kind of way. Just in a "hey, this isn't healthy for
me anymore so if you want to follow me elsewhere, here is where" kind of
way. If they care enough, they will seek me out. I'm not hard to find. I
gotta quit paying attention to the numbers and base my "worth" on those
things.
The reasons are various and I won't go into them. Doesn't matter. Point is, that it is causing me to stumble and it needs to be tossed away. I can already hear my brain say "but what about this or that person, or this group or this band?" I just gotta stop listening to it. I can follow whatever band or person at another site. I can get my news elsewhere. Just gotta disconnect. Gotta stop the anger there. Its like putting your finger in the hole in the dam. It will work for now.
I
got anger. Deep rooted anger. Some of it got messed with this week.
Various sources. I need to feel free to write about it and turn it into
something. That is how I deal with things. I mean, my comic PLEASANT
LIFE started out about my feelings about my mom's death. Its therapy for
me. And I need therapy. I cannot afford it now that my insurance has
changed, I gotta start paying on my college loans now after deferring
them for almost 15 years and soon my child support will be rising. Seems
like for every step I start to get ahead, I get taken back 9 more.
Likely I will never get ahead and have it all fixed. Something always
pulls me back.
But that's okay. That is life. So it goes. "It is what it is and whatever," as the RUSH song says (The Garden). I deal with it.
Things
aren't bad. I am blessed in this life. I just confirmed plans to have
all three of my boys in the same place on Christmas Day! For me, that is
a miracle. I am so looking forward to watching them and my fiancee open
their presents together. Then I get to watch them to eat a big meal I
will cook. My family. My life. Its my treat for getting through the
rough times. It makes it so worth it and it keeps me going.
I'm
seeing new PLEASANT LIFE pages for the first time in many years and it
gets me so excited to see it finished. I'm also dreaming of what
STARSLAM and the DEFENDERS OF EARTH are doing in the meantime. And yes,
ANNA in the apocalypse as well. Other things too. All of it in my brain.
I want to do it. I want to see them finished and rolling.
On
the other hand, I also feel a strong urge when I am depressed to do
NONE OF THE ABOVE. Just sit on the couch and actually open up the video
games, DVDs and books I have acquired recently and just do those things.
Maybe Netflix binge on a show I keep saying I will get to, but never
have time to. Maybe focus more on my day job that I am spending 50 hours
plus a week at. Get better at that. Actually retain things I learn
there instead of daydreaming of what I could be doing if I were at home.
Or sitting there thinking about why I am angry. (sigh)
The mind is a roller coaster. I fucking hate it.
Been
listening to SLAYER and PANTERA a lot more lately. Drown out the
thoughts. Give the anger an outlet. Works sometimes. Its better than
listening to something softer, because the fear that I might cry at my
desk is very real.
Some
days I am a soldier, beating the things that life tosses at me. I'm a
boxer, getting up and going in for another round. Other times I feel
like a raw nerve or a frayed, exposed cord. Just don't mess with me.
Don't talk to me. Leave it alone. Danger! Better yet, toss me in some
water so it finishes itself off.
I go back to the Rocky quote of: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!”
Depression
sucks. We all go through it. We all got shit life is tossing at us.
Sometimes I think my load is unbearable and then I hear about someone
else's and think: "That would break me." But they are still standing.
Its an inspiration like no other to see that shit go down. Sometimes I
get a message or email saying I've inspired someone or they know exactly
how I feel. That means the world to me. Makes me feel like I can keep
pushing through and be okay. Just be okay. That's what I need to do.
I'm trying, folks. I really am trying.
I've got this far!
Thanks
for reading and your love, support. Until next we talk, keep your head
up. I'll do the same. Keep striving onward and upward. I know I always
will too.
--T
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