Back to the Grind and a Confession

Hey friends,

Well, Vacation week is over. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is. I worked very hard for this last week and now its gone. I did a lot, saw a lot of people I never get to see, got comic work done, reading done, went to the movies (saw SNATCHED. Not bad), Had TV marathons, went out to dinner, deep talking with friends, played video games, napped, cleaned, petted kitties, got drunk, jammed on music, drew 5 pages, lounged out in front of air conditioner, ate a shit-ton of crappy food, traveled 600 miles and back and much more.

And now its over. Back to work today. Back to the daily grind.

It really flew by, man. It seems like yesterday. I honestly could do another week of this. I'm not sure I feel rested at all. But I do get some rest coming up. There is the TOOL concert in early June. End of June is the Chicago trip. The summer will bring some fun with the kids and holidays and all that. But my entire vacation time is spent. I gotta make it to January 1st now with not much rest to have.

Honestly, that is okay. I got things planned. Things I have to do (finally). There is so much work ahead. I got probably THREE books to launch before the end of the year. Right now the focus is on my health. This carpal Tunnel thing will continue to be worked with and monitored. And I am focusing on my weight loss. We haven't had sodas in the house for almost two weeks now. I've had them if we go out but the weaning has already begun. I plan to go hardcore on the fruits and veggies until I get below 300.

I'll be brutally honest here. I think its the best way I can be in this life. I find strength in being honest. About two weeks ago, I got on the scale and I crossed a margin. An unthinkable margin. The total I weighed that day?

402 pounds.

Yes, I crossed the 400 pound mark. Severely morbidly obese. I stepped off the scale and I was in shock. I have gained 82 pounds in over a year. I am now officially one foot in the grave. I cried to myself as I wondered how it all happened. But I knew. Of course I knew. The depression led me to eat. I have a sedentary job, I snack. The sodas. The fast food. No exercise... its no mystery as to what I did to myself. I'm scared to go to the doctor. I'm scared to do anything, honestly. I don't feel right. I feel wobbly and full of panic.

But all this means is I am awake and aware of what I have done and what I must do now.

My goal is to drop 100 pounds. Right now. Immediately. So I am going hardcore. I gotta get out of the danger zone.... or die trying. And right now, I feel like living. I got shit to do. So I am going to get this freight train back on the rails and kicking ass at this thing. I'm struggling to survive and its time I woke up and get myself under control.

There are so many other things I want to do beyond just the weight loss. I have to save for many things coming up. I have to find time to get work done. I have to this, I have to that. And it will be easy to do because everything is a choice. What do you choose? What are you more hungry for? Future dreams, to live thinner and happier or what I have been doing so far with a very limited life? I wasn't created to live depressed, defeated, ashamed or condemned and unworthy. I was created to be victorious. And its my turn. I choose life.

So 'scuse me while I take care of some personal business. Stuff I keep saying I have to do but now, HAVE to do it. And I will. Because I can. And if you are in a similar boat as mine, so can you.

Anyway, back to the grind of work and getting my life under control. Meanwhile, here are some pics to entertain:

The kittens got adopted out! Chloe went to her new home and Sebastian went to one as well. The grey one (we named her Luna) was declared the winner and we chose her to stay with us. We're happy with our decision but miss all of them greatly.

Co-worker NES party.

Lots o' gamez being played!

DC represent!

Luna and Sebastian. Last time together.

Sebastian, moments before he was picked up. I'll miss that boy. :(

Here's our Luna... very cute and loving kitten.

Some edited for content and spoiler free new pages from STARSLAM 3. Its really coming along!

Same Ol Same Ol

Here I am. No worries. Well, some were worried. I got messages from folks who were worried because its not like me to not post a blog twice weekly. I think its been about two weeks since the last one. Even longer for a podcast.

Truth is there's a few things going on and ways to explain my absence:

 #1 My major "production at home" days were Sundays. Now I am down to two of those because I keep my kids Sat-Monday morning twice a month so that knocks two of them out. The other two are usually reserved for some business that I don't have time to do during the week. So I get two nights free a month really. It kind of sucks but so it goes. At least I get to see my boys more. But that means that any time at home to do stuff like that usually takes a back seat. And my two Saturdays free a month involve time with D that we don't get during the week or with friends.... or severely drinking til passing out.

#2 Thing going on is that I am back into a major depression swing. I had to leave my therapist for several reasons and I am seeking a new one. I thought I was through some shit but apparently there's plenty more that has bubbled to the surface to help destroy what sanity I've tried to claim for myself. So I have wrote, but its been in private.... and you don't want to read what I wrote. Here on the blog and social media, I try to stay somewhat upbeat and positive. I'm supposed to be entertaining you folks. All my other writings shows a person in constant fear of rejection, inadequacy and emptiness. Its full of fear at every perceived failure and an endless need for acceptance and meaning. Its not fun to read. But it helps on some level. It gets it out of my brain. But it is easy to spiral down into the hole I've created for myself and just get the stone face.

I've really always been this way. Ever since I was a kid. It is hard to find someone who can deal with me when I'm like this and not take it personally. Thank the lords for Kitty D, who totally understands and helps me cope with myself when I am like this. We have a nice special mixture and can take on the drama when it heads our way. I got some doozies I'm dealing with right now. But she's there and helping me where she can. That is a good feeling.

You always try to dwell in the good feelings.

On the production front, you'll be surprised to know that I have been very productive on comics and things. I penciled ten more pages last week and things are rolling right along. I got a big new batch of pages to send to my colorist and I am coloring my own pages for my other projects too. Perhaps I owe you an update:

STARSLAM 3 - I got 45 pages in the can, complete. Another 22 are ready to be scanned and colored. We're getting into the major points of the storyline. So far there are about 6 major sex scenes... and thats SO FAR. So there is lots of nudity and sex this time around. I'm going all out for this last book!

PATREON R.I.P. - What does that mean? Well, I've done a lot of thinking about it, while still working on pages and things for it, but I decided that I cannot do a patreon. I just cannot guarantee my output with the depression issues and the carpal tunnel now limiting my drawing and writing. Its frustrating but I have to be honest with myself. I'm on a time limit with what I can do and how fast I can do it now.

BUT----- I still got these stories, pinups, written sex stories and things Ive sat on for years now. I decided that I will finish them and collect them in a new tradebook to be launched on Kickstarter. Probably before STARSLAM 3 comes out. Maybe end of summer-ish. I have a title and a premise. Its basically a sex anthology. For those that love my stuff, you'll love it! It will be around 120 pages or so and I cannot wait for you guys to see it. It collects everything erotica that I've done beyond STARSLAM. So that is exciting, right? Look for that soon.

PLEASANT LIFE 2 - I'm still working on it sporatically. I'm trying to decide how I want to get it out into the world. Eventually I'll probably try a Kickstarter to grab new fans for the series... but I do expect the numbers to be less considering it has no titties in it. But expect that next year.

WISE INTELLIGENCE - Remember this? This was a 4 issue mini series that writer Ryan McLelland and I did almost a decade ago. Terry Moore (SIP) did a cover for it even! We decided to get EVERYTHING together for this project and release it via kickstarter. I'm likely going to let him handle that, as I have enough on my plate right now. But I will be putting the book together for him and doing new stuff for it most likely. Will be nice to put a button on that book and have a nice collected trade of those comics that very few have seen! More on this later.

NOVELS -- Right now I got two novels (the short story/poem anthology and the tell all of my porn store days) in production. They've taken a back seat to the comics. I think once those are out my way, I'll get these done. Hopefully by Xmas or early next year. Because I have my first original novel (fiction) that I am itching to work on after that. Its something I've been half working on and writing dialog on for a few years now. Its a great idea and I would love to get it done... but all this other stuff has to get out of the way first. But consider this a tease.

So there ya go. Stuff is happening, despite my depression. I'm alive. Sometimes I'm angry about it, but I am alive. I know, that sounds dark. But I'm just being honest. I am determined to grow out of the depression that happens and continue my work. I'm determined to face everything the universe throws at me. Cause I'm not afraid to face it. I'll certainly bitch about it, but I will face it all. Sometimes, you just have to climb the mountain yourself just to show people that it can be done. I know I inspire others by what I'm doing and I am not going to let them down. I'm not doing all of this for me, I'm doing it for you. I hope you know that.

Anyway, here are some pics of things beyond all this depressing shit. KITTIES!!!!!!!!

Cuteness overload.

Sebastian. We picked the right one I think.

We will miss this Grey goober when she goes to her new home though.

Mommy is still protective.

Scott Bot lounges around.

What do a bunch of thirty something guys do when they get away from the girls for a night? Do they hit the strip club and the hooters? Nope. They have a NINTENDO PARTY! A bunch of my co-workers got together a couple weeks ago on my only night off and did this gathering where we played through Ninja Gaiden 2, Punch Out, Excitebike, Kung Fu and many other games. It was a lot of fun and we're already planning NES championship night 2. 

Lastly, a note a screenshot reminding me that there are some out there who care: 

I thank everyone for their messages and care. I'll be okay, no worries. I'm gonna work with this new therapist and get to a good place with the shit plaguing me. But rest assured... THE WORK WILL CONTINUE!

Cheers, T